Festive greetings

Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy new year to all.

Twice in one day: things are bad

The reviews have really knocked my confidence.  We have to monitor a discussion forum on the topics we lecture on and my topic now has a question that I have to answer.  I'm terrified of putting fingers to keypad for fear of getting it all wrong.  But I have to answer it, so it could be a long night on Google and with the textbooks trying to work out answers.  The module convenor has helped out but I don't want to annoy her any more. 
I also have coursework to mark for Thursday morning, so I'll be getting on with that once I finish this post. 

I'm pathetic.

Bad reviews

At the end of every module we have to hand out module review form and tutor evaluation forms.  I'm just back from my last revision lecture in one module (not a module that I research in, but I get on very well with the prof in charge of it and enjoy teaching it).  I had to hand out the module evaluation forms in it and collect them in at the end.  I wasn't mentioned much in them, some people said I was excellent, some said they loved my topic and my handouts were good, but it's the bad ones that stick with you.  One said to get rid of me because I was a crap lecturer and I gave the impression I didn't want to be there, another said I just read out my notes and another said my hand outs were difficult to follow. 

Am I a crap lecturer?  I don't know, I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst: I'm too self conscious to really throw myself into them and be all flamboyant, besides, it's not really me to do that.  My other module reviews were fine, but I was the only one teaching them and there were only 11 students, so it was a different atmosphere. 

Do I just read out my notes?  Possibly: I do write them out in full so as not to forget anything, and I do consider it more important to get all the information across to the students than ad lib and forget most of it.  It's a skill you pick up as you get more experience. 

Were my notes difficult to follow?  I didn't think so: I included all the relevant cases and statutes, quotations from the cases and important points I wanted to emphasise.  The problem is we spend so much time satisfying the students that they always want more.  There are complaints when there is no handout and complaints when there is one that's too long.  What's the happy medium? 

I have to hand these module evaluations to the convenor of it now: I've removed the really nasty ones and, in the interests of fairness, I've removed one that was nasty about her: it was totally uncalled for. 

When you're feeling a bit low, those comments just send you plummeting. When you're questioning your career, those comments just make you question all the more. When you're thinking stuff you don't want to think, those comments just make you think you should do the thoughts.

A possible mistake

I was out for dinner tonight with some old mates from university and at it I told them I had a private blog.  They couldn't ulnderstand why I would have a blog and have strangers read it and not have friends read it.  How can I explain it to them?  I told them that I wrote things on it that wouldn't tell my friends.  Someone asked did people reply to posts and I explained that they did, but I didn't have as many readers as some blogs. One guy (a psychiatrist) said that it was like therapy then.  I explained that yes it was as blogs tended to attract people with similar problems or similar interests, especially at the start.  I'm just hoping that no one finds my blog now.  I don't think I'm identifiable but who knows. 

The meal was nice and it was good seeing everyone.  I'm never sure how things like that will go: the group of friends go out every week and I don't.  I also can't drink really any more (I'm considering the amount of alcohol I've drunk in the last week and a half to be the "very occasional glass of wine" for the next year).  I came home at 8 with a couple who were heading onto a concert.  Still, all in all I'm glad I made the effort and dragged myself out of this chair and went.  It is all about making an effort and distracting yourself from the rather horrible thoughts you can have.

error

I was reading over my last post and realised that I had said that I finished with CBT.  A huge mistake.  The idea of CBT is to change the way you think, so if you have a negative thought you challenge it and try to think through it rationally.  Obviously in that case you never finish with CBT: it's meant to be a skill you learn for life. 

The thing is, and I've said this to my GP, I can identify the bad thought and think up ways of challenging it, but I don't believe the challenges.  If I think I'm not good enough for this job and I rationalise it and say that I am, I was interviewed and successful, I think of that as a fluke, or being good at interviews and not as proof that I'm good enough for the job.  I also found when I was attending a therapist that I was being asked to challenge thoughts that were actually factual.  For example, it's difficult to discuss my research with anyone in my law school as I'm the only one in that particular area.  I was asked how I would challenge that and when I said I couldn't because it was a true fact she wanted to know how she could check it was true!  Luckily I was able to say there was a list of all the interests of people in the law school on the internet and it could be verified there. 

So, I can see the point of CBT to an extent, sometimes we do need to be taught how to "look on the bright side" as I coined it.  But it's not a panacea to end all ills and yet it seems to be virtually the main and only form of therapy that's available. 

Wobble

I'm having a real wobble right now.  I was trying to prepare a tutorial last night for this morning and just thought that I couldn't do it any longer.  I was going to phone and get an appointment with my GP just to speak to someone but I didn't do it.  It was just to speak to someone who knows what's been happening but what was she going to do for me?
I finished CBT 10 days ago.  Apparently there was meant to be a review appointment after a month or so but my therapist was leaving and so it won't happen.  She mentioned me perhaps seeing someone privately even if just to check in once a fortnight or once a month with someone to maintain contact but I'm not sure.  I said I'd see how things went over Christmas.  Part of it is just sheer exhaustion, but there's something more that I'm more that I can't identify and sometimes I just think that this is life, this is what I'll be like and that it's me. 

Busy times

I've been horribly busy for the last 2 weeks and there's no sign of it letting up.  I'm busy doing a book review for a friend that I've had for months.  I've also been asked to review a book manuscript for publication by a publisher.  It's due on Thursday and I haven't even started looking at it yet.  I think I'm going to have to ask for a few days etc.  Then next week I have to start preparing a new set of lectures for the following week.  I'm like a walking zombie these days: last Thursday I sleepwalked home and fell into bed at 4 and woke at 8.  I can't seem to get enough quality sleep and I'm exhausted on a daily basis. 

My blood tests for the methotrexate have been OK so far and I'm now down to monthly tests from fortnightly.  I feel slightly ill the day after I take it and can't eat breakfast and a bit nauseous on other days but nothing too severe.  I chopped my hair off because it was coming out in clumps but wasn't visibly thinning.  It's still shedding like crazy but because the hair isn't as long it doesn't look as bad. 

On the mood front I've been a bit up and down and teary as well.  I think work is getting to me and I'm trying not to let it.  I keep telling myself that there's only another few weeks to go and I can get through them.  But sometimes I think I can't and it scares me.

Calling all readers

Leave me a reply. I just want to know how many of you out there are following these random witterings. Just say hello:)

strange mood

I'm in really weird form and I can't put my finger on it. My teaching isn't going well, it's me rather than the students. I can't get up to speed and I can't get the information across to them in a coherent manner. My heart isn't in it really. And my mood has been all over the place. Up and down like a yoyo. I spent Saturday in bed as I couldn't be bothered getting up, Saturday evening in tears and the rest of the time bumbling along.

I've been considering my life and looking into alternative careers including nursing. I'd get funding for it I think but having bought the flat I can't afford to do it for another couple of years. I just want to do something a bit more worthwhile with my life than sit in an ivory tower and write things that will never be read except by a handful of idiots. I mentioned it to one of my probationary committee and she was shocked that I was thinking of doing something like that.

On other things, the thoughts continue unabated. I find myself stepping away from kerbs as fleeting visions go through my mind of stepping in front of cars. I hate being in the razor aisle in supermarkets or pharmacies as I think of cutting myself: they're horrible thoughts as they are so dark and so threatening.

CBT

I'm still attending the psychologist/CBT therapist. We're winding down now, last time there was 2 weeks between sessions and then this time there are 3 weeks. Today's session was quite amusing, well the last 15 minutes were. She asked my advice on something. I've said elsewhere that I'm a year head this year (and for who knows how many years!) and the advice I asked for was related to that. Apparently a student from my uni has been admitted to the local psychiatric ward and my therapist was asking advice in relation to the role of the year head. I should stress that at no point was confidentiality breached. I have no idea if the student is male or female (in this post I'll probably lapse into referring to them as a female!), what department they are studying in or much else about them. I explained my role as year head and said the student should speak to her head ASAP, backed up with medical certs and so forth. Also that there were a number of options available to them including temporary/permanent withdrawal and the time periods re financial issues. However, there appears to be a problem with uni accommodation which is university accommodation. The uni has said that they don't feel uni accommodation is appropriate for the student because the rest of the students go out an awful lot. I couldn't believe that. To me uni accommodation is imperative: it gives first years an opportunity to meet new people and socialise. Even if this student doesn't go out much is it not better for them to be somewhere with others than potentially living in private accommodation with the attendant problems and stresses of that. Fine, the uni could be within their rights to deny uni accommodation if the student attempted to blow the accommodation up but not because the student has a mental health problem. It's discrimination. So I told the therapist that the Disability Office should be contacted, I suggested to consider asking the uni options about a different type of accommodation: perhaps in designated disability adapted rooms where generally there are less people to a kitchen, or even in PG accommodation. I also said to consider options such as a regular check in with the accommodation warden to make they're coping etc. I mentioned the Student Guidance centre and the counselling service there which could be used in conjunction with her psychiatrist once they are released, and also seeing if their department would perhaps try and organise a buddy in a higher year to provide some support if needed.

It felt so odd giving this advice! I'm getting some leaflets from the various services for the therapist to give to the psychiatrist so that they can see what support is available.

On other things, life goes on. Teaching is OK: things are tough this week workwise because tutorials for the other subject I'm teaching on start this week so I'm struggling to keep my head above water with prep for that as well as my own module.

I'm tolerating the methotrexate so far, no real side effects. Felt a bit queasy this morning and now and I'm wondering if it affects your circulation as I've been freezing in bed at night (even with a heavy duvet, warm blanket and another comforter), so I must google that. I also got my flu jab today and my baseline blood test results back from two weeks ago. I've also had my new bloods taken to make sure that the methotrexate isn't slowly killing me! I'll get those back in a couple of weeks when I see my GP.

Next day

I had my first teaching today: it was terrible. I always find the first one is but after yesterday it was even worse. The powerpoint was ridiculously long, the material was complicated and I hadn't read over it properly. If any of them stay in the class it will be a miracle.

I can't stop thinking about my colleague yesterday, I know I should put it behind me but I'm finding it really difficult to. He came into the post room today when I was there (with others) and we both said hello.

I also had my psychologist appointment today. Apparently I have 4 more so it's down to 1 a fortnight now. I'm not sure if it's working or not. I am trying to rationalise my thoughts but it's incredibly difficult in relation to my colleague. I didn't mention it to her, maybe I should have. I did, however, mention the dark thoughts. Not in so many words that I keep having thoughts as to how I might commit suicide, but that the thoughts were dark. My GP didn't mention it yesterday when I saw her but she was busy with the methotrexate.

I took the methotrexate last night: no side effects as yet, not sure if it needs to build up in my system first, but I'm not complaining! The only thing I noticed is that I went to bed at 6.30 for a lie down and woke at 8.20! Normally if I sleep like that during the day I'd wake an awful lot. If it is an effect of the drug I hope that it works at night when I'm meant to be sleeping!

Awful day

Today was the start of the teaching term. I had a load of things to do ranging from gaining access to my module to writiue ng tomorrow's powerpoint for my first lecture. Naturally lots of things got in the way. The main thing was a colleague reducing me to tears by an email. Two students had emailed me at the start of July and mid August to ask for feedback on their exam. I had been their tutor and they knew me best. Both were very apologetic for disturbing me in the summer and both said September would be fine. In July I emailed the module co-ordinator and asked if he wanted to give feedback or would I do it. Much humming and hahing during which he said he was going on holiday, that we shouldn't jump when the students made a request, that he'd already done a load, and I said I wasn't going on holiday and was happy to do it, he snapped if I couldn't manage to forward it on to him. I did so. The girl who asked in August, I went back to module co-ordinator, stated that I was happy to do this and the secretaries had said they would find the paper for me. He informed me I wouldn't be able to as he still had the papers in his office and wouldn't be back till October (on research leave) and to send on the email and he would get back to the student and see her then. I sent the email to him saying that as he was on research leave till January I didn't mind doing it for him. Today I get an email to the student, copied to me, in which he states that even though he is on research leave he will extraordinarily be available for her next week and stated that she should have contacted him directly as only module co-ordinators could give feedback. First I heard of it: he hadn't said it to me at any point before. I checked to see if this was an unwritten rule and it isn't: we should just always check with the co-ordinator about it. As I had done. I replied to the co-ordinator's email stating that I hadn't known he had this rule about only him giving feedback and that I had given it before. I have to say I was furious that he undermined me to the student in the email to her so was quite curt, I suppose. He replied by stating that it was not his rule and that he would appreciate it if I did not interfere in a module on which I was no longer teaching. I burst into tears. I hadn't been interfering, I had been trying to help him out and relieve some of his work. I wrote back (probably a mistake) saying that, and explaining that the students had contacted me as I was their tutor. I also stated that because of his workload and going on research I had been trying to alleviate his workload but that it clearly hadn't been appreciated and I would not annoy him again.

I am furious. I have had bother with this guy's desire to control everything all last year, I deliberately asked not to be teaching the module again because of him and I quite frankly feel that he is a bully and what he has done is tantamount to bullying. His problem with me is that I won't just kowtow to him and that I do challenge him, as I believe I should when warranted as his colleague (he's been there longer than me but isn't actually much senior than me in that we are both lecturers and not senior lecturers). So that put a downer on the rest of the day and it took me to 7 then to finish the powerpoint.

I went to my GP today with my note from my rheumatologist about the methotrextate. Got the script and have taken my first dose. I've been warned about the alcohol again and that it might make me nauseous so here's hoping I make it to my first lecture tomorrow at 9am!

if I thought last week was busy...

it had nothing on this week. Last week was my teaching course: bloody awful isn't it. A pile of mumbo jumbo and ticking of boxes. I missed a couple of sessions due to meetings which were a blessing in disguise. And I had an appointment with my rheumatologist to have me joints injected. They weren't swollen when I saw him and they had settled slightly when I saw him so he decided not to. All my blood tests were clear from the last time as well and so he wasn't going to start me on the methotrexate. Then he asked what I thought and I told him the truth. I said that I was afraid that it would start up again and that the last episode had gone on from March. I also said that when they were swollen it made me depressed and with work I was constantly tired and fed up with it all. So he decided from that that he would start me on the lowest dose. I'm not to get pregnant (fat chance: I need a boyfriend of some sort for that) and alcohol other than a very occasional glass of wine is off the menu. So when I see my GP on Monday I will getting my prescription filled for that.

This week I've met with my first year students, gone to an admin meeting and on Friday have a student progress meeting. In between I'm trying to write exams, finalise the syllabus for my module and try and find out how many will be in my module as well as wondering when the admin issues will be sorted out. The whole system falls into disarray every registration time and still they don't learn from it.

Nose to the grindstone

Well the conference is over as is my short break and I'm back in my office as if I haven't been away at all. The conference was OK, paper went OK, no real feedback on it but then I never expected any. I'm not a conference person, I tend not to be able to speak to people nor am I really that interested in talking law all the time.
My holiday was lovely, it was only a short break but I did feel revived after the summer, it was just a pity it wasn't for longer. Now I'm back and have my teaching course this week and am going home in a few minutes to write a short lecture to give tomorrow and be video-taped. Sigh. The course is crap, no other word can be used to describe it, a complete waste of time at this time of year when I have so much other stuff to be getting on with. (Un)fortunately I missed part of this afternoon as I had a GP's appointment (more of in a minute) and tomorrow am back with the psychologist after a 3 week break as she was away and I was away then. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting in my capacity as head of year so miss part of the morning session as well. Then at lunchtime today I got a call from my rheumatologist's secretary saying there was a cancellation and could I come and get my joints injected on Thursday so I miss Thursday pm and Friday due to having to rest! All a bit mad. I've no idea whether he will still inject my joints, they haven't been as bad recently, or else I'm getting used to it. But if he doesn't inject them then I don't know where I stand about the methotrexate. Part of me feels that if they're OK leave them alone, the other part of me is sick of the constant flare ups. Anyway, Thursday will tell.

Today I told my GP about thinking about ways of committing suicide but that I wouldn't do it. She wanted to know how I was so sure. I don't know why I'm sure, it's wrong. I'd leave people behind who had no idea that things were bad, there are worse people off than me. The upshot is that I have to go back in 2 weeks and not a month and she said about avoiding situations where I do think of it, alcohol, large amounts of tablets etc. So doubt if I will be given large supplies for a while. The whole head of year thing is still worrying me: I've been going through reams of medical certs and half them seem to be suffering from depression or have taken overdoses or something similar: I just don't know if I can cope with hearing all that for the next year. It's strange: I feel brighter than I have in a long time but my thoughts are darker.

New home

As promised, pictures of my new place! I had no idea posting pictures to a blog could be so difficult, this is my 6th attempt!

My bedroom: favourite room in the house: nice and airy and relaxing: all by the book of how to cure insomnia: no tv or music as your bedroom is for sleeping! Such a shame it's not working right now.



Dining room: I love my table and chairs and you can just about make out part of a huge clock that was a present from brother and sis-in-law.

The living room. Suite and coffee table kindly donated from my big bro and sister-in-law!

This is the kitchen. I'm very proud of my racks and utensils!

Note the slight pink theme in the kitchen!

This is the second bedroom: initially the colours were in my bedroom but then I saw ones I liked more. Rather than put the new ones in the second bedroom I swapped the two around.

And that's it! Home sweet home.

Book

Madsadgirl asked me about my book in the comments in my previous post: I'd forgotten about it with everything else that happened over the summer. As is typical, the proofs arrived right slap bang in the middle of me cleaning, painting and packing. On top of the proofs arriving, they arrived without table of cases/documents and an index. Now the cases/documents weren't a problem as I had it from my PhD and just needed to add a couple of things to it, but the index was. When I enquired I was told that authors do their own and did I really need one. I pointed out that the contract stated they would do it and that the book was over 400 pages long and did need one. I was a bit upset over this as I've never done an index before and no real idea how to do one. I could pay for someone to do it but I resent spending money on that. I asked about the department what the deal was normally but didn't receive much advice (no real surprise there: I sometimes think most of them feel they did everything by themselves and had no advice, therefore everyone should). In the end, I proofread the book and jotted down key words and phrases as I went along, emailed the corrections to the publisher and said that if they wished me to do the index they would have to wait as the earliest I could manage was the end of September due to other commitments. They said that was fine so once I'm back from the conference and the teaching course I have one week before students come back (during which, as year head, I'm involved in student enrolment) to update and organise lecture notes and write the index. I'm hoping that the book will be delayed to January because that will mean that it's published in 2010 and therefore will be newly published for a year, rather than publishing it in December 2009 and in January it's already a year old!

As for the time of this post: I'm not sleeping well still. I've been taking sleeping tablets but my GP is reluctant to prescribe me many more so I'm tring to eek out what I have left. It only takes 3.75mg to help me sleep and more importantly keep me asleep and let me waken without feeling zombi like. I see my GP again on Monday 14th so I'll speak to her then about it. With term starting soon and work piling up, I don't want to end up in a state because of lack of sleep.

Long time no post

I’m sorry I haven’t updated this blog in so long. I’ve still be about, reading people’s blogs and commenting on them, I just haven’t had the energy to write my own. A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve started a new anti-depressant: Effexor and it seems to be doing a bit more than any of the others. Apparently it’s one up on the others and my GP has said if this doesn’t make any effect she wants me to see a psychiatrist, which I’m not at all keen on. I’m back seeing a psychologist, CBT again, which isn’t easy and isn’t pleasant and I’m not really sure it’s helping much. I had started self- harming again, but haven’t in about 6 weeks or so, or at least not in my mind: I have been using a razor blade to scrape off rough skin on my heels (the joys of sandal wearing) and occasionally nicked myself: is it harm? One thing that has been happening though, and I haven’t mentioned it to either my GP or the psychologist and not sure whether to, is that ideas of how I would commit suicide keep popping into my head. I would not attempt suicide but I just have to read about something, or see the number of pills I have in pill drawer for me to think of it.

On other news, my new flat is finally ready and I’m living in it. Mum and dad were great and another friend of the family’s and cleaned and painted it while I did silly little things and fed them as well. But I officially moved in yesterday. I’ll post some photos as soon as I get round to taking some. I’m living alone: my former flatmate has moved in with her dickhead of a boyfriend. When she came back from her holiday she stayed in the flat once and I had to email her to tell her I was giving in notice on the rented flat. She said she would think about things and let me know after the weekend what she had decided. After the weekend she got back to me and asked could she move in with me until the end of the year: 4 months. I said no it didn’t suit me. I didn’t want to squash all my stuff into one room for any longer. So she’s with dickhead. She had to dump a load of stuff when she moved out because he didn’t want her crap. I’m hurt and upset over it, she has never seen my new place and as it’s 2 doors down from where we rented there’s no reason other than she’s not interested. She moved some stuff out when I was in my new place and she knew where I was but she still texted from her car to say she was heading on instead of coming and telling me. So I have hardly seen her. I don’t know what to say to her any more or anything that we have in common.

Work has been work: new people started. One guy seems like a pain in the arse: super confident and everything that I’m not. Far less teaching experience than I have and he already wants to know how he can shorten his probationary period. And he’s only teaching on postgrad stuff. Another of the new people is on a 2 year fixed term post and only has 18 hours teaching over the whole year: I just don’t get that: surely fixed term people should have more teaching as they may not be here when it comes to research exercises and therefore they should be relieving people of teaching. I’m now head of a year so I deal with a group of students problems: sick notes, extensions and so on. Initially I didn’t mind but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get: Me and another girl were chosen to do this when still in our probationary periods because we’re the ones who have performed best of the crowd that started last year. Fine: except our pay stays the same (she’s on more than me as she’s been a lecturer somewhere else for 2 years) and the others we started with have no such duties (remember at least one of them can’t speak English).

I’ve also to do a teaching course: governmental requirement. It’s a week long from the 14th Sept. I chose that week as the first week it runs I’m at a conference for 2 of the days so thought I shouldn’t miss 2 days of it. The guy who can’t speak English is going to the same conference as me but has signed up for the earlier session: where the hell is management to put their foot down, insist he take English classes and attend all of a course? I have to try and not think about all of this because it only makes me angry, which only makes me think and do silly things which depresses me further.

I’ve been given all the student notes from previous years for the year head role. I’ve read through them and now I’m a bit worried about the post. So many of them seem to be depressed or anxious and as a result not able to hand in work or sit exams. Part of me thinks that I can empathise with them, the other part of me just gets depressed and anxious reading about all of it (one girl took an overdose) and makes me think of dark things. Then another part of me thinks I’m managing (sort of), I’m not getting any special dispensation for my depression or self harm, life’s shit, get used to it. I sometimes think that I shouldn’t be doing the post, that it’s too close to the bone for me and if people in charge knew about me they wouldn’t let me do it. But they don’t know about me so I’m doing it and will have to live with any consequences.

My new place is lovely, I’m delighted with it, it’s home and it’s all mine. I’ll take photos tomorrow and post. I’ll also post more often: I may need the support of my online mates in the coming year. It’s not coming from anywhere else.

Friends

I seem to be losing friends these days rather than making them.

The latest is my flatmate. I've blogged a bit about her loser boyfriend: in a nutshell: he had an affair with her years ago while still married - am disgusted at her with that as she knew about his wife - they split up, she met someone else, split up with the new bloke and got back together with this guy three years ago or more now. The marriage was allegedly over when they first went out and he was sleeping on the sofa, yeah right. He's been getting divorced ever since they got back together but it's still not through. Over a year into the relationship he told her that not only did he have a daughter with his wife, who my friend knew about, he also had another 16 year old daughter with another woman he was once engaged to. Her family is disgusted at it, she has totally lost contact with most of her friends, I have lived with her for nearly a year now and have known her well for 10 years and yet I can count on one hand the number of times I have met him. She has embraced his family as her own, he has alienated her from her family and friends and she does all the running in the relationship. He clicks his fingers and she drives half an hour to his place, at all hours, including 1.30am. If they have a row, he kicks her out of his place and she drives home. She told me last week, by email that she was moving in with him. I was furious that she told me by email and I replied, by email, telling her that I didn't know her any more and she didn't know me and I wasn't remotely surprised and that I never saw her any more. She replied saying she found it difficult to talk to me as I was so negative about boyf and various other things and I told her that she was making a commitment in moving in with him but that he wasn't as he's already been married and had children and been engaged etc all before. She was meant to be back last Thursday but she's arrived only tonight and is off on holiday with boyf and his SISTER(!) on Friday and won't be sleeping here again. We're apparently talking on Wednesday evening but I'm not hopeful. I'm not even sure what she wants me to say or what she wants to talk about. It feel as if she wants me to tell her it's wonderful and to go on ahead but I'm not doing that because it's the worst move of her life and I'll be the mug picking up the pieces in the future when he dumps her. I'm tired of doing that when no one is around to pick up the pieces of me when my life goes pear-shaped. She doesn't even know how bad my joints have been nor the fact that I'm looking at going on the methotrextate and the implications of all of that. I know that I'm the one responsible for my body and what I decide to do but sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone else about it and the pros and cons.

Hullo

I'm back again, after a long, unexpected absence. Partly because I was away and then at a conference and partly because I had nothing remotely interesting to say.
The wedding in Portugal was very good. Lovely weather, just marred somewhat by the fact that they seem to have no disabled access whatsoever. My friend is a wheelchair user (paraplegic) and phoned in advance to make sure the hotel was accessible. They said yes but unfortunately their idea of an accessible room is wider doors and no cupboard under the sink. She was still expected to be able to get in and out of a bathtub to shower. The area itself was lovely but kerbs all over the place. And although two of my colleagues were also attending the wedding and staying in the same hotel they weren't interested in helping out or spending time with us other than breakfast. I found that quite hurtful as they made it quite clear my wheelchair friend was my responsibility. Given the fact that I'm not the best jointwise myself I found some of it quite stressful, especially when I had to refuse point blank to go into the nearby city with her as we were told it was completely hilly, old, cobbly and inaccessible. Once again, my oh so friendly colleagues were completely unhelpful. I also discovered that all the rest of my oh so friendly colleagues at the wedding had exchanged mobile numbers again before going, but not me. When I told one of my friends she asked me why I was still working where I am.

After that wedding I was in London for a conference, boring boring boring. Best part of London was the day I went home as before leaving I spent the morning in the Wellcome Museum: loved it loved it loved it!

Once home the marking started: unbelievable how generous the person in charge of the module I teach on wanted me to be. Also completely unbelievable how resistant he is to any change. I am finding him very difficult to work with: he won't have a module review meeting where all the lecturers involved in the module can discuss the module, how well it's working, any improvements we could make etc. Nope, not for him. Working with him is extremely stressful for me and I'm hoping I won't have anything to do with him next year. I hesitate to use the word bully, but sometimes it feels like that.

I was then at home for a week as dad was off on a golfing holiday and mum didn't want to stay alone, so got the exams marked and headed home to look at tiles and various things for the new place (when the bank finally get their finger out). Also had a rheumatology appointment. He wants to inject both my knees and elbows and is thinking of changing my medication to methotrexate. I'm a bit worried: last couple of times I've had ONE joint injected I've not been very well. This time he's going to do all three at once, or at least as many as I can tolerate. He said he'd do it ASAP but I think his ASAP and mine are two different things! I'm also slightly concerned about the methotrexate, it's very toxic but at the same time I'm so sick of all these swollen joints and how shitty they make me feel.

My yearly review is in a couple of weeks. I think I've done an ok year's work: at least as far as I'm aware the students haven't complained about me. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how good a lecturer I am, what matters is the research I do and the money I bring in. It's a sad indictment of the way things work these days.

I have a few more gripes to get off my chest but I'll save those for tomorrow: I'm tired now and need to go to bed.

Book is finished

Nothing else to say!

50th post

It's my 50th post. I seem to post more when I'm feeling crap, obviously I like moaning to you lot out there! All of April it's been a joints and it seems a shame not to write about them again in my 50th post. I bit the bullet and phoned for an appointment with my GP: 2 weeks away: 14th May: I'm in Portugal. I'm debating whether or not to phone and try and speak to her and explain what's up. But with bank holidays and me in London and then away I think it's going to be bloody hard to be fitted in for another injection. And if she chooses to inject the knee joint specifically then I need to rest up and I haven't got the time to do that! ARGH.

Think I'm going to lie down and have a nap.

Joints

They've swollen again on me. ARGH. Both knees had gone by the time I got up from my desk from a couple of hours proof reading. The only thing I had done differently was wear a pair of heels about an inch and a half high and walk to work which is just short of a mile. Now I'm in a quandary about what to do: GP said to go back but she's always booked up for a week in advance as she's only in Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday half day and I don't want to see another one. With the bank holiday next Monday, me in London for the arc interview on Wednesday and me off to Portugal the following Wed 13th May if I do make an appointment to see it will only be to say that the injection worked for 10 days and then stopped. After that it will be after I come back from Portugal (end of May as heading to London for a conference directly from Portugal) that anything will be able to be done. Tired even thinking about it.

One more lecture tomorrow morning at 9am and then only 3 hours left of teaching. Thank God. Then just the exams to mark. And then summer is free, well officially research but as the book will hopefully be off to the publishers on Friday I think I can have a break and rest up for a while.

I'm also going to be busy over the next few months as, wait for it, I'm sale agreed on an apartment 2 doors down from where I am now:) It all happened so quickly so that's why no blogging about it. So I'm looking forward to choosing lots of nice new things and moving into my new home over the summer.

Sigh

I was out tonight at a joint hen and stag night (people out there note: don't do it). I haven't been out in a year(!) and I haven't seen some of the people I would have gone out with in that time. I looked around at them, all friends from uni, and I wondered what I had in common with them. And I wondered was it time to leave the friendships behind: not that we've fallen out but that we've all moved on. And then I thought but what do I move on to. I haven't made more friends in that time and I don't know how to make more friends. I don't know what I like to do any more or how to find out what I like to do. Part of me wants to go out like we used to go out and let loose and really enjoy myself, the other part of me can't be bothered changing my weekends and making that effort. I would love to have a partner, someone to share things with, someone who is always there, who makes me laugh, who is there for me when I fall and cry, when I'm tired and low, but how do you find someone like that if you don't go out, and if you do go out where do you go to find them?

High to low

I was on a bit of a high yesterday as I managed a reasonable day's work and got quite a bit done (hopefully good material!) but today, in spite of having a draft chapter completed my mood has been plummeting. Nothing has happened to cause this, it just seems to be one of those things.

My joints seem to have responded to the steroid which is one good thing. It's only now that I realise how swollen my knees actually were and how bent my elbow was. It's strange the way that you get used to things, I suppose it's good really with health matters!

eek

I have just spent a large amount of money on Boden clothes. I think this is me entering the depths of despair at the thought of having to write lectures and finish a book and I'm shopping to make myself feel better. Does it make difference though that all the clothes are brightly coloured and happy looking?

I think my elbow is straighter than it has been for a while, but my knee is feeling a bit strange as if it's about to swell. But then again I could be hyper sensitive to it all right now.

ya know...

I was just catching up on a few blogs there now and thinking how the NHS is not satisfactory to so many people (for various reasons). Yet I have a saint of a GP of whom I cannot speak highly enough. She gave me my steroid injection today (my butt is just a little bit tender: 2x 3ml of fluid going in gives a pins and needle type sensation and now the area just feels a tad bruised: niggling rather than sore: as if I need a man with strong muscular fingers to knead the area - none about however), having phoned me at home yesterday to see if I was any better (see post below) and then scheduled me in to see her today after her surgery, at 12. She also remembered about the arc user committee that I've been shortlisted for and offered me her medical knowledge if I needed a hand preparing for it. And she's agreed to write me a reference if I get offered the post and if I need one: my other referees can attest to my academic ability but I thought she would be the best to speak on my medical interest etc.

I'm not convinced the injection will help, but we will see, if not Iwill be back to see her and she said she would inject the knee directly. She's also written to my consultant to ask if he will see me again sooner as I am having a flare, which is linked to the fact that she thinks I may be on the wrong DMARD. However, I only saw him in March so not sure when he'll see me again. Having said that he is always telling me to contact him if I am having any problems.

Anyway, after the injection I met a friend for lunch and then went shopping to see if I could find a new dress for the wedding, but nothing. But I did get a rather nice handbag! This one. I was also really bad and bought a very expensive pair of shoes on Tuesday, but if I don't spoil myself, who will???

steorid time

I was meant to phone my GP today about the steroid injection. I rolled over in bed this morning snoozing happily when my phone rang. As it's a new phone I didn't know what it was for a second and then thought it was the alarm and I had somehow set it. Once I realised the phone was actually ringing I lay there momentarily wondering how I answered. Managed to do that before it rang off "urgheluro" in sleepy voice. It was my GP and she knew immediately she had woken me. It was only 9.50am! Anyway, to cut a long story short I'm getting the steroid jab tomorrow. I'm not convinced it will work but we will see and I will ask tomorrow what the next course of action will be should the elbow still refuse to straighten periodically and should the knees and ankle remain swollen.
In the meantime I am attempting to start to write a lecture for after the Easter break as I can't see myself taking up her offer of a sick note. Wish I could though!

steroids

My GP doesn't want to inject my knee joint because my ankle and elbow are swollen as well, so it's looking like a general steroid injection into my butt. She said she would do it for me next Wed or Thursday when the surgery re-opens but she's also wondering whether a change of the disease modifying drug (DMARD) I'm on would be useful. I've been on this DMARD for 14 years so I guess my body could be 'used to it', so to speak. But the DMARD I'm on is one of the least toxic there is so not sure about changing. She also suggested that I go back and see my rheumatologist but he only saw me at the start of March and was happy to leave the joints as long as they weren't causing me problems. And he was happy for my GP to inject it if she and I thought necessary.

I also asked her about changing the anti-depressant I'm on (as per psychologist's suggestion). She said she'd be happy to try a different one and suggested pro-.zac which I've already tried and also wondered about seeing a psychiatrist. I don't want to see a psychiatrist. Anyway we've left that discussion until the joints are settled. She did ask how bad I was feeling and whether I was going to do anything stupid, but I'm not. I did admit that I had been hoping she would inject the knee so I would get time off work to rest it and she was a bit shocked then that I would go through that for time off. So she offered me a note to sign me off if I wanted seeing as my joints were playing up. But I'm reluctant to do that simply because I don't think people understand joint problems. In addition my work is so flexible that I would be getting signed off just to miss something like 5 hours teaching the first week back after Easter. And I've never really used my sporadic joint problems as a reason for not going to work or class or similar.

So a bit further on but not much either. Looks as if it will be steroid injection next week, wait and see if that works and then take it from there.

talking

The psychology appointment wasn't so bad after all. It was simply an assessment to see whether I would be suitable for treatment and I managed to talk and describe things ok to him. He thinks I would benefit from longer term therapy looking at, as he put it "the nuts and bolts" of why I'm feeling like this rather than the coping mechanism strategies. Apparently you only get 6 sessions now rather than 10 so the longer term treatment would look at 15 sessions. Apparently I scored highly on both the depression and anxiety tables (initially I wasn't sure if that was good or bad: it's bad: I'm depressed and anxious), and he suggested I talk to my GP again about the anti-depressants I'm on. So I may try and do that on Thursday when I see her about my (still) swollen joints.

At present I'm back in the office trying to work on THE BOOK and wondering does 5 days to go merit a phone call to former supervisor for a cry on his shoulder.

Weekend fun...

...Not. I was in the (freezing cold) office Saturday and Sunday attempting to work on THE BOOK. As of tonight I have one chapter left to amend, one chapter left to rewrite and the intro and conclusion to rejig and then the proofreading. For Friday. This Friday coming. Isn't going to happen. Hopefully will get to the 1 May for it which is doable if I (can) keep up the pace I'm currently working at. I have a white board on my office opposite my desk and I've written on it "Good enough" which is what I'm trying to achieve rather than the perfection I normally want. Needs must and I think "good enough" is healthier and better for me right now.

Tomorrow is P-day: psychologist day. I'm still not convinced I'm doing the right thing by going. And I'm dreading the question as to whether I've self-harmed or thought of ending my life. I've not thought about ending my life but I have thought, at times, that it would be nice to not wake up. Is that the same thing? Is that as worrying as someone who actually thinks about ending things? One part of me says it is, the other part of me says that it isn't, that everyone thinks that way at times.

I ordered a new mobile last week: had to get it delivered to my parents' address as my cards are registered there. I'm meeting mum on Tuesday to get it. Am I real nerd in looking forward to that or is it another sign that I lead a fairly boring life and need to get out some more?

I'm still feeling crap. I'm back to bussing it everywhere because my joints are sore and I'm breaking out in a sweat at the effort of walking even short distances. I've stopped going to the gym and am now just swimming to see if that helps in anyway. I was also back with my GP today and I'm back on the anti-inflammatories and stomach tablets to see if that helps and go back in a week. She was talking about a short course of oral steroids but I've never really had those before and not sure I want to go down that route. At the same time, I'm off to Portugal in 6 weeks and the thought of having to go like this is too much. I want to stay within 15 mins of my bed right now.

I also have an appointment with a psychologist next week: a male psychologist. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to speak to anyone but I'm not sure if it will be helped or hindered by it being a male. I also haven't told my GP that I have been self-harming so no doubt she'll be getting a phone call after the session, if it I tell it that is. This talking therapy is just not me, I'm not a person who gets on well with people immediately or who is at ease in a crowd, either professionally or personally and I'm definitely not someone who talks about personal things to strangers. I don't even talk about them with my friends! I understand the theory behind CBT and 'talking therapy' but I remain to be convinced as to its efficacy. When talking to someone it is always possible to put a different spin on things and to find something good in anything, but when you're by yourself after 10 weeks of that it's very difficult to do it alone. I don't mean to be doom and gloom, I'm just trying very hard to express how tough I find the whole process of talking to people.

Hate

I don't like my life, I don't like myself and I don't see what other people like in me. I'm a waste of space who is just taking up people's time and not giving anything in return. After speaking to the med students last Monday I have been on a downward spiral and still plummeting. Everything I do is an effort, I get no enjoyment from anything and I don't know if I want company or want to be alone. All I know is that I want to stay in bed and not get up. I don't think anyone would miss me that much, if at all. I got a letter from the Psychology department telling me to ring them if I want to go on their waiting list. I haven't done it yet. I'm just so tired and always seem to be moaning but never really saying anything. I'm not even making any sense to myself any more.

Hurrah!

I got an interview for the arc laymember post. Wednesday 6 May at 1pm in London. So excited, fingers and toes crossed for me everyone!

Early hours

I've been awake since 2am. I went to bed super early as I wanted to get a proper night's sleep, took a couple of tablets and read for a tiny bit (Sophie Kinsella - author of Confessions of a Shopalholic: very light, very funny and easy to read) and then went to sleep immediately. Woke at 2 and been awake since then. Not funny and not nice. I have that heavy head feeling and gritty eyes sensation and I know it's going to be a shit day. I have my personal tutees to see, most of whom have not sent me the material and will not turn up and then a course this afternoon on designing modules.
The more I think about it the more I realise that law students are a bunch of ingrates. For the module I teach on there is a piece of course work to be handed in this Friday. It really could not be any plainer and yet the questions we have been fielding on it: they want their essay written for them. The questions are not even legal but asking the meaning of not very difficult English words (eg catalyst). And these are students who are supposed to be the creme de la creme? I don't think so. we give them no end of feedback and yet our student reviews in the National Students' Survey are pretty bad and the reason for this is that apparently students don't realise they are being given feedback. Hello? There is generally a large FEEDBACK in bold on the piece of paper? And we teach so as to get them to pass their exams rather than instill any learning or understanding in them. I'm not silly enough to think that everything should be about higher thinking but a bit of thought occasionally goes a long way.
As well as all this it's clearly time for "got to get a summer placement" as I've been asked for numerous references. I don't mind giving the reference but sometimes I wonder what a student wants me to write: "He appears well prepared for tutorials but really I can't say for certain as he never opens his mouth." "Exam results are good but I have no idea why he wants to be a barrister as he couldn't argue his way out of a one-sided argument."
I might as well go to work: I may doze off on my desk there

Med students

I talked to the medical students this afternoon. It was excellent, I really enjoyed it and felt more alive than I have done in ages. They examined me as well and fortunately (for them) I have a swollen knee which they were able to look at and feel.
The afternoon did make me realise though that I don't really enjoy my job and that I'm masquerading as a lawyer. I regret so much not doing medicine and wish desperately that I could do it now. My GP even said to me that she thinks I should have some sort of medical related career. So, I left the surgery and went online and have signed up for an Open University course in Molecules, medicine and drugs! I just have to post the registration form (for some reason they wouldn't let me sign up online) and I will do that tomorrow morning. I'm not sure it will do much in the long run but I'm hoping it will help me in the short term.
On other news, I'm back to University city after my week at home: I did relax much more at home and felt a little bit better about things but now that I'm back it's all just the same, exacerbated by the great time I had this afternoon.
I cut myself last night, know idea why or what made me do it but I did. God knows what I'll do tonight.

I'm still feeling really low. Nothing is helping me to snap out of it this time. I even treated myself to a back massage this afternoon but I'm still just on the verge of tears all the time. My head feels so heavy and I'm doing things by rote rather than actually thinking about them. I'm not actually in my University town for the next week as my parents are away and I'm having to go home and cat sit for the week. Unfortunately I have to travel to university town for at least 2 days, one for a lecture and the other for a module review meeting. Both at 9am and 10am each morning! I would just really like a week away from the place entirely. I'm hoping to get some work done on the book but really I just want to keep my head above water and not do anything stupid.

My sleep is still prety bad, I've been awake since about 3am today and the same another night. I was even reading blogs then. I saw my GP again this morning (still haven't managed to confide in her about the self-harming) and she's happy for me to continue on the sleeping tablets so I at least get some sleep. I'm to go back again in another couple of weeks or so.

She also asked me to go in and speak to some medical students that she teaches during their musculoskeletal week. She says it will help them realise that it's not just their grandparents who suffer from problems like this and that it will help them realise how it affects younger peoples' lives. I did it once before and like Madsadgirl really enjoyed it. Apparently when she's talking to me she can tell that I do have a genuine interest (well, I am a wannbe medic). I'm willing to talk about anything to them, including the therapy, but just not the self-harming.

I was telling her that I had applied to be a layperson on the arc research committe. I submitted the application yesterday and the deadline is tomorrow and I really want to get on it. Everything is crossed. It was an odd application to write as in the cover letter I had to explain where my interest comes from, so I had to explain my medical history (very briefly), which is normally something I keep private until I'm offered a post!

I think it's time for a couple of tablets and bed.

down-ness

I'm feeling pretty bad and have been since Saturday evening. It just hit me for some reason right in the middle of the cinema. All of a sudden I started thinking about being 31 and having had a hip replacement and I just started wondering what's going to happen when I'm 60. 70, 80. It's stupid because no one knows what's going to happen but it just really got me down.
Then I was teaching all day on Monday and had a meeting in my lunch hour. The meeting was about a new proposed postgrad programme that is in my area and, other than not actually being a law postgrad, in spite of the name, I discovered that even though I am the only one who is truly in the area, I am the only one who was not consulted in any way until after the proposal was drafted. It's just typical of the law school: all the others who were asked about it were men. Such an old boy's network. And I knew that but this has so annoyed me. And the condescending manner in which I was spoken to didn't help. Then I didn't sleep last night in spite of the sleeping tablets so I've been feeling really groggy, fragile and weepy all day.

Calmer

I'm feeling a bit calmer about everything today: and I didn't go home last night and do anything stupid. I'm not sure if 'calmer' is the way to describe me, numb might be closer to the mark. I went into work today but only stayed a couple of hours and did some administration and then headed home with the intention of going to the gym but I was too tired and couldn't be bothered. So now I'm in front of the TV before going to the shower as I'm heading to a quiz tonight.
One of the other new people was in tears today. She says she's stressed because one of her articles she is working on isn't going well and she's got nothing to say in it. It's a problem most of us have, as well as the fear that we're going to run out of research ideas. She works harder than I do (wouldn't be hard) and I think that might be part of the problem. I've asked her along tonight but I'm not sure she'll come as she has to work.
One of the other new people also described me as incredibly organised and confident? I sometimes think I should have gone on stage with this persona I seem able to project. I just wish I could show the real me, the one who is self-harming, depressed, lonely, terrified, to someone so that I could stop feeling as if I have to keep up this impression of being wonderful.

Completely alone

I've just had a phone call from my publisher: they've gone into liquidation but another company has taken them over and is honouring all the contracts. But now I'm worried: I can't find any info on the new publisher on the internet and have no idea what they publish or the standard. I'm wondering if I should consider refusing the new contract and trying elsewhere, but then in credit crunch time should I just thank my stars I have this (after all I'm not going to make a fortune from it). I have nobody to ask and I was so shocked to hear it that I never asked her more questions and don't have a phone number. I could cry. I probably will cry.

Not right

I'm not right. I'm in tears over the nature programme "Nature's Great Events" at the polar bears whose lives are at risk as a result of global warming. This sort of thing doesn't normally upset me this much but I burst into tears and sobbed tonight. I'm about to have a bite to eat and then go to bed but I'd love to go to bed and just stay there. The sleeping tablets are helping me sleep but tend to knock me out for the morning as well. I can lie in bed quite happily and doze to my heart's content. My GP is happy for me to take them while we try and get my sleep back on track but part of me wants to go to sleep and stay asleep.

Teaching

I started teaching yesterday, it went OK but I'm not looking forward to this semster's subject as much as last semester. I find the lecturer in charge to be a real control freak. I suppose the two of us clash to an extent.
Last week I found an advertisement on the arc website for lay members of a group that helps decide where arc's research funding. I'm applying for it and I have never wanted to take part in something as much as this. I think it would be extremely interesting, rewarding and a great way to balance my desire to do something medical related, albeit for one year only. I'm actually going to ask my GP would she be willing to write a reference for me if I actually got the post. I thought she would be the person who could best attest to how committed I am to it and how interested I am in general in the area. If she feels she can't write it I'll just use my normal referees.
In other news, my "flatmate" is in Barcelona for a few days with the boyf and his daughter. Apparently his divorce is going to be sorted in March, yeah like I haven't heard something similar for the last 14 months. As for going on holiday with his daughter, I was gobsmacked. She didn't tell me that, I guessed as it is half term and asked her outright. She looked like a rat caught in headlights when I asked. So, I'm alone until Thursday, allegedly, but I don't expect her to bother coming back to the flat until Friday at the earliest.
I'm still struggling with a book review. It's due on the 15th and I just want rid of it. At present I'm trying to scan parts of it rather than read the whole thing!

Why is it...

... that things seem alright and then something happens, not even that important or life changing or threatening a thing, that switches on (or off) something and makes you feel like crap again? I'd had an ok-ish morning, been back to my GP, decided not to change the anti-depressant I'm currently taking, got told off for wearing heels in the snow(!), referred to the psychology department and made another appointment for 3 weeks time. I finally made it into work (if I hadn't had the appointment with my GP I wouldn't have left the flat) I was wet and cold but still feeling OK-ish and managed to send off a few emails: a proposal for a conference paper (to tick a box for my probationary requirements rather than actually wanting to present), my publisher to tell her THE BOOK wouldn't be done for 1 March and I found this and actually laughed out loud: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html.

I then went out to lunch and had a fair enough time. Got back to the office to get a text message from my so-called flat mate telling me she wouldn't be home as she was going back to boyf's place again this evening. I haven't seen her since Tuesday. I had texted yesterday to see if she fancied dinner somewhere as I had just got a copy of a book in which I have a chapter published and thought it would be nice to celebrate. But she was with him again.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's so difficult to put into words but he just seems to have pushed everyone out of her life and she just puts him first. I often wonder what she would think if she read this blog. If she knew (if anyone knew) how I feel and what I'm doing.

It's going to be tough going home tonight and not cutting myself.

GPs

I saw my GP today. I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining how I'm feeling. Because I haven't been sleeping very well she gave me some sleeping tablets to try and get me a proper night's sleep and I'm going back to see her next week to see if some sleep has helped to lift my mood. I didn't tell her that I've cut myself again but I'm going to do that next week: she's referring me back to the psychologist so if I don't tell her they will once I see them.

My appointment with my GP about the self-harming and some sort of counselling is tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or how to explain how I'm feeling to her. It's a problem I have: I cannot open up to people completely. I want to tell her that I don't like myself, that I don't like my life, that I feel like a complete fraud and shouldn't have got the job that I have, that I'm terrified of dying and my parents dying and that I feel completely useless and a failure. I am completely lacking in self confidence and I have no idea how to improve that. I should just give her the link to this page and then I wouldn't have to verbalise any of it.

Thoughts

I was at a course today on how to supervise PhD students (I don't expect to get the chance to do this for many years as I am the only one in my university researching in my area and it's not exactly known in the area, but it's a requirement of my probationary period). It was one of those courses I thought would be terrible but was pleasantly surprised at it. One thing really stuck with me though. Apparently under new disability legislation aimed specifically at educational establishments, if a student tells us they are thinking of self-harming we have to tell someone in order not to be considered negligent should they then self harm. The ins and outs of the legislation is the subject of another course (which I have since signed up for) so the course facilitators weren't sure to whom we had to report this but they thought the occupational health person in the university. It shocked me as it made me think what any colleagues would do if they found out that I self harm. An appointment has been made with my GP to discuss doing something about it.

I cut myself last night. After it I thought "That's it, I'm making an appointment with my GP about counselling or the Beating the Blues therapy online. But now, in the cold light of day, I can't bring myself to make the appointment.

Happy New Year

My first post of 2009! Nothing really to report on any front. Christmas passed fairly well other than a bad cold which I have since kindly passed on to the parents. I ate, drank and slept! A bit like most people in that way though.

I was at a friend's house warming on Saturday night: one of those evenings that I didn't want to go to, which then turned out surprisingly well. The first hour was hell as various members of the law school came in (my friend is a PhD student there so staff present was very surprising!). Then things got better. One of my law colleagues asked me where all the new people went after the Christmas lunch. I said back to the law school. She told me they were all in Bar X and were wondering why we didn't join them. I said we didn't know about it. She apologised and said that she had told Sally, one of the other new people. Now Sally is super confident and makes me feel really inadequate and wonder how I got the job, which is silly of me as she was way down the list of candidates and only got the job because other candidates never took up the job offer. But Sally never told any of the rest of us. I think it was deliberate. Sally seems to have been the one of all the new people who has settled in the most and is invited to the most nights out and things and now it could be that we're all invited but Sally isn't passing on messages? I really can't be bothered with such crap.

Today was meant to be my first day back in the office but when I got back on Sat night my flatmate told me she thought the freezer needed to be made colder. At the time I did nothing about it, but yesterday I made a huge chicken curry and froze three portions for again. Got up this morning, curry still not frozen solid. Looked out the freezer book and discovered that if a red light is on then it's not cold enough. Yes, you've got it, the red light was on. Defrosted the freezer in case that was the problem, threw out a load of food that was thawing nicely. wrapped some in a blanket to try and keep it. Chunks of ice that could have sunk a liner were removed, freezer switched on again, waited a few hours and the light was still on. So phoned the estate agent and a new freezer is being delivered tomorrow (such a shock: no engineer is calling to try and fix it!). In the meantime, my sister and brother in law have been provided with their dinners for the week!