Thursday 24 December 2009
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Twice in one day: things are bad
The reviews have really knocked my confidence. We have to monitor a discussion forum on the topics we lecture on and my topic now has a question that I have to answer. I'm terrified of putting fingers to keypad for fear of getting it all wrong. But I have to answer it, so it could be a long night on Google and with the textbooks trying to work out answers. The module convenor has helped out but I don't want to annoy her any more.
I also have coursework to mark for Thursday morning, so I'll be getting on with that once I finish this post.
I'm pathetic.
I also have coursework to mark for Thursday morning, so I'll be getting on with that once I finish this post.
I'm pathetic.
Bad reviews
At the end of every module we have to hand out module review form and tutor evaluation forms. I'm just back from my last revision lecture in one module (not a module that I research in, but I get on very well with the prof in charge of it and enjoy teaching it). I had to hand out the module evaluation forms in it and collect them in at the end. I wasn't mentioned much in them, some people said I was excellent, some said they loved my topic and my handouts were good, but it's the bad ones that stick with you. One said to get rid of me because I was a crap lecturer and I gave the impression I didn't want to be there, another said I just read out my notes and another said my hand outs were difficult to follow.
Am I a crap lecturer? I don't know, I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst: I'm too self conscious to really throw myself into them and be all flamboyant, besides, it's not really me to do that. My other module reviews were fine, but I was the only one teaching them and there were only 11 students, so it was a different atmosphere.
Do I just read out my notes? Possibly: I do write them out in full so as not to forget anything, and I do consider it more important to get all the information across to the students than ad lib and forget most of it. It's a skill you pick up as you get more experience.
Were my notes difficult to follow? I didn't think so: I included all the relevant cases and statutes, quotations from the cases and important points I wanted to emphasise. The problem is we spend so much time satisfying the students that they always want more. There are complaints when there is no handout and complaints when there is one that's too long. What's the happy medium?
I have to hand these module evaluations to the convenor of it now: I've removed the really nasty ones and, in the interests of fairness, I've removed one that was nasty about her: it was totally uncalled for.
When you're feeling a bit low, those comments just send you plummeting. When you're questioning your career, those comments just make you question all the more. When you're thinking stuff you don't want to think, those comments just make you think you should do the thoughts.
Am I a crap lecturer? I don't know, I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst: I'm too self conscious to really throw myself into them and be all flamboyant, besides, it's not really me to do that. My other module reviews were fine, but I was the only one teaching them and there were only 11 students, so it was a different atmosphere.
Do I just read out my notes? Possibly: I do write them out in full so as not to forget anything, and I do consider it more important to get all the information across to the students than ad lib and forget most of it. It's a skill you pick up as you get more experience.
Were my notes difficult to follow? I didn't think so: I included all the relevant cases and statutes, quotations from the cases and important points I wanted to emphasise. The problem is we spend so much time satisfying the students that they always want more. There are complaints when there is no handout and complaints when there is one that's too long. What's the happy medium?
I have to hand these module evaluations to the convenor of it now: I've removed the really nasty ones and, in the interests of fairness, I've removed one that was nasty about her: it was totally uncalled for.
When you're feeling a bit low, those comments just send you plummeting. When you're questioning your career, those comments just make you question all the more. When you're thinking stuff you don't want to think, those comments just make you think you should do the thoughts.
Saturday 12 December 2009
A possible mistake
I was out for dinner tonight with some old mates from university and at it I told them I had a private blog. They couldn't ulnderstand why I would have a blog and have strangers read it and not have friends read it. How can I explain it to them? I told them that I wrote things on it that wouldn't tell my friends. Someone asked did people reply to posts and I explained that they did, but I didn't have as many readers as some blogs. One guy (a psychiatrist) said that it was like therapy then. I explained that yes it was as blogs tended to attract people with similar problems or similar interests, especially at the start. I'm just hoping that no one finds my blog now. I don't think I'm identifiable but who knows.
The meal was nice and it was good seeing everyone. I'm never sure how things like that will go: the group of friends go out every week and I don't. I also can't drink really any more (I'm considering the amount of alcohol I've drunk in the last week and a half to be the "very occasional glass of wine" for the next year). I came home at 8 with a couple who were heading onto a concert. Still, all in all I'm glad I made the effort and dragged myself out of this chair and went. It is all about making an effort and distracting yourself from the rather horrible thoughts you can have.
The meal was nice and it was good seeing everyone. I'm never sure how things like that will go: the group of friends go out every week and I don't. I also can't drink really any more (I'm considering the amount of alcohol I've drunk in the last week and a half to be the "very occasional glass of wine" for the next year). I came home at 8 with a couple who were heading onto a concert. Still, all in all I'm glad I made the effort and dragged myself out of this chair and went. It is all about making an effort and distracting yourself from the rather horrible thoughts you can have.
Tuesday 1 December 2009
error
I was reading over my last post and realised that I had said that I finished with CBT. A huge mistake. The idea of CBT is to change the way you think, so if you have a negative thought you challenge it and try to think through it rationally. Obviously in that case you never finish with CBT: it's meant to be a skill you learn for life.
The thing is, and I've said this to my GP, I can identify the bad thought and think up ways of challenging it, but I don't believe the challenges. If I think I'm not good enough for this job and I rationalise it and say that I am, I was interviewed and successful, I think of that as a fluke, or being good at interviews and not as proof that I'm good enough for the job. I also found when I was attending a therapist that I was being asked to challenge thoughts that were actually factual. For example, it's difficult to discuss my research with anyone in my law school as I'm the only one in that particular area. I was asked how I would challenge that and when I said I couldn't because it was a true fact she wanted to know how she could check it was true! Luckily I was able to say there was a list of all the interests of people in the law school on the internet and it could be verified there.
So, I can see the point of CBT to an extent, sometimes we do need to be taught how to "look on the bright side" as I coined it. But it's not a panacea to end all ills and yet it seems to be virtually the main and only form of therapy that's available.
The thing is, and I've said this to my GP, I can identify the bad thought and think up ways of challenging it, but I don't believe the challenges. If I think I'm not good enough for this job and I rationalise it and say that I am, I was interviewed and successful, I think of that as a fluke, or being good at interviews and not as proof that I'm good enough for the job. I also found when I was attending a therapist that I was being asked to challenge thoughts that were actually factual. For example, it's difficult to discuss my research with anyone in my law school as I'm the only one in that particular area. I was asked how I would challenge that and when I said I couldn't because it was a true fact she wanted to know how she could check it was true! Luckily I was able to say there was a list of all the interests of people in the law school on the internet and it could be verified there.
So, I can see the point of CBT to an extent, sometimes we do need to be taught how to "look on the bright side" as I coined it. But it's not a panacea to end all ills and yet it seems to be virtually the main and only form of therapy that's available.
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