I'm still feeling really low. Nothing is helping me to snap out of it this time. I even treated myself to a back massage this afternoon but I'm still just on the verge of tears all the time. My head feels so heavy and I'm doing things by rote rather than actually thinking about them. I'm not actually in my University town for the next week as my parents are away and I'm having to go home and cat sit for the week. Unfortunately I have to travel to university town for at least 2 days, one for a lecture and the other for a module review meeting. Both at 9am and 10am each morning! I would just really like a week away from the place entirely. I'm hoping to get some work done on the book but really I just want to keep my head above water and not do anything stupid.

My sleep is still prety bad, I've been awake since about 3am today and the same another night. I was even reading blogs then. I saw my GP again this morning (still haven't managed to confide in her about the self-harming) and she's happy for me to continue on the sleeping tablets so I at least get some sleep. I'm to go back again in another couple of weeks or so.

She also asked me to go in and speak to some medical students that she teaches during their musculoskeletal week. She says it will help them realise that it's not just their grandparents who suffer from problems like this and that it will help them realise how it affects younger peoples' lives. I did it once before and like Madsadgirl really enjoyed it. Apparently when she's talking to me she can tell that I do have a genuine interest (well, I am a wannbe medic). I'm willing to talk about anything to them, including the therapy, but just not the self-harming.

I was telling her that I had applied to be a layperson on the arc research committe. I submitted the application yesterday and the deadline is tomorrow and I really want to get on it. Everything is crossed. It was an odd application to write as in the cover letter I had to explain where my interest comes from, so I had to explain my medical history (very briefly), which is normally something I keep private until I'm offered a post!

I think it's time for a couple of tablets and bed.

down-ness

I'm feeling pretty bad and have been since Saturday evening. It just hit me for some reason right in the middle of the cinema. All of a sudden I started thinking about being 31 and having had a hip replacement and I just started wondering what's going to happen when I'm 60. 70, 80. It's stupid because no one knows what's going to happen but it just really got me down.
Then I was teaching all day on Monday and had a meeting in my lunch hour. The meeting was about a new proposed postgrad programme that is in my area and, other than not actually being a law postgrad, in spite of the name, I discovered that even though I am the only one who is truly in the area, I am the only one who was not consulted in any way until after the proposal was drafted. It's just typical of the law school: all the others who were asked about it were men. Such an old boy's network. And I knew that but this has so annoyed me. And the condescending manner in which I was spoken to didn't help. Then I didn't sleep last night in spite of the sleeping tablets so I've been feeling really groggy, fragile and weepy all day.

Calmer

I'm feeling a bit calmer about everything today: and I didn't go home last night and do anything stupid. I'm not sure if 'calmer' is the way to describe me, numb might be closer to the mark. I went into work today but only stayed a couple of hours and did some administration and then headed home with the intention of going to the gym but I was too tired and couldn't be bothered. So now I'm in front of the TV before going to the shower as I'm heading to a quiz tonight.
One of the other new people was in tears today. She says she's stressed because one of her articles she is working on isn't going well and she's got nothing to say in it. It's a problem most of us have, as well as the fear that we're going to run out of research ideas. She works harder than I do (wouldn't be hard) and I think that might be part of the problem. I've asked her along tonight but I'm not sure she'll come as she has to work.
One of the other new people also described me as incredibly organised and confident? I sometimes think I should have gone on stage with this persona I seem able to project. I just wish I could show the real me, the one who is self-harming, depressed, lonely, terrified, to someone so that I could stop feeling as if I have to keep up this impression of being wonderful.

Completely alone

I've just had a phone call from my publisher: they've gone into liquidation but another company has taken them over and is honouring all the contracts. But now I'm worried: I can't find any info on the new publisher on the internet and have no idea what they publish or the standard. I'm wondering if I should consider refusing the new contract and trying elsewhere, but then in credit crunch time should I just thank my stars I have this (after all I'm not going to make a fortune from it). I have nobody to ask and I was so shocked to hear it that I never asked her more questions and don't have a phone number. I could cry. I probably will cry.

Not right

I'm not right. I'm in tears over the nature programme "Nature's Great Events" at the polar bears whose lives are at risk as a result of global warming. This sort of thing doesn't normally upset me this much but I burst into tears and sobbed tonight. I'm about to have a bite to eat and then go to bed but I'd love to go to bed and just stay there. The sleeping tablets are helping me sleep but tend to knock me out for the morning as well. I can lie in bed quite happily and doze to my heart's content. My GP is happy for me to take them while we try and get my sleep back on track but part of me wants to go to sleep and stay asleep.

Teaching

I started teaching yesterday, it went OK but I'm not looking forward to this semster's subject as much as last semester. I find the lecturer in charge to be a real control freak. I suppose the two of us clash to an extent.
Last week I found an advertisement on the arc website for lay members of a group that helps decide where arc's research funding. I'm applying for it and I have never wanted to take part in something as much as this. I think it would be extremely interesting, rewarding and a great way to balance my desire to do something medical related, albeit for one year only. I'm actually going to ask my GP would she be willing to write a reference for me if I actually got the post. I thought she would be the person who could best attest to how committed I am to it and how interested I am in general in the area. If she feels she can't write it I'll just use my normal referees.
In other news, my "flatmate" is in Barcelona for a few days with the boyf and his daughter. Apparently his divorce is going to be sorted in March, yeah like I haven't heard something similar for the last 14 months. As for going on holiday with his daughter, I was gobsmacked. She didn't tell me that, I guessed as it is half term and asked her outright. She looked like a rat caught in headlights when I asked. So, I'm alone until Thursday, allegedly, but I don't expect her to bother coming back to the flat until Friday at the earliest.
I'm still struggling with a book review. It's due on the 15th and I just want rid of it. At present I'm trying to scan parts of it rather than read the whole thing!

Why is it...

... that things seem alright and then something happens, not even that important or life changing or threatening a thing, that switches on (or off) something and makes you feel like crap again? I'd had an ok-ish morning, been back to my GP, decided not to change the anti-depressant I'm currently taking, got told off for wearing heels in the snow(!), referred to the psychology department and made another appointment for 3 weeks time. I finally made it into work (if I hadn't had the appointment with my GP I wouldn't have left the flat) I was wet and cold but still feeling OK-ish and managed to send off a few emails: a proposal for a conference paper (to tick a box for my probationary requirements rather than actually wanting to present), my publisher to tell her THE BOOK wouldn't be done for 1 March and I found this and actually laughed out loud: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html.

I then went out to lunch and had a fair enough time. Got back to the office to get a text message from my so-called flat mate telling me she wouldn't be home as she was going back to boyf's place again this evening. I haven't seen her since Tuesday. I had texted yesterday to see if she fancied dinner somewhere as I had just got a copy of a book in which I have a chapter published and thought it would be nice to celebrate. But she was with him again.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's so difficult to put into words but he just seems to have pushed everyone out of her life and she just puts him first. I often wonder what she would think if she read this blog. If she knew (if anyone knew) how I feel and what I'm doing.

It's going to be tough going home tonight and not cutting myself.