Bad times

It's been a long time since the last blog post. Things have been up and down the last couple of weeks, more down than up if yesterday's events were anything to go by.

I don't know what started it all exactly. Teaching went OK: too many turned up so the room was bunged and someone asked could they transfer int my tutorial group but that's not my decision to make so I had to refer her to the module co-ordinator. I had taught her before so I can't help wondering if she wants to transfer because of me (it does happen!) but I don't good think I'm enough for anyone to change for that reason.

I then had an appointment with my GP in the afternoon: she asked if I had tried easing off on the anti-depressants but I haven't. I'm scared to stop them given the thoughts I have of self-harming and how up and down my moods have been. I also had to get a slip signed for my gym saying that I could exercise (the same gym that I've belonged to for the last 4 years) which she did just saying on it that I should be careful because of the hip replacement. She thinks my gait is marvellous and you couldn't tell that I've had the op, which is great but is going to check and see if I can take up boxercise. At the end of the appointment I plucked up the courage to tell her about my thoughts of self-harming. She was pleased that I had told her and saw that as a positive sign, asked me if I wanted to go back and see the psychologist. But I'm reluctant to do that. She did give me advice like distracting myself when I feel like self harming so I don't actually do anything, or use a red pen to mark where I would cut myself. It all makes sense but it's as if there's a barrier between me hearing this advice and using it.

I thought having told someone out loud may have helped dispel the thoughts but I went home and used a razor to cut myself.

Teaching

First tutorials went OK, could have been better but could have been far worse! I was expecting far worse.
This week is full of meetings; tomorrow a coffee in the morning with the chair of my probationary committee followed by a meeting with my entire probationary committee in the afternoon followed by the research group's reading group. Oh and I want to fit a swim in before all of that! I had also scheduled for tomorrow to start reading my thesis in order to get it into my head what I needed to do to convert it to the book but it looks as if it will have to wait as I am still struggling with the damned book review. If I haven't said it before I'm saying it now: never again.
Meantime, all staff have had to meet with their personal tutees. Except they are not our personal tutees, they are our Personal Development Plan Tutees, or is that meant to be Professional? I think this is government mandated and I think the idea is to ensure that students identify their skills as they develop them in their degrees and see how they are transferrable. It's also to bridge the gap between school where they are spoon fed to university where the are not (apparently). The problem is that they are not to come to us with personal problems, but if a student knows a lecturer then that's who students go to and not to some stranger just because that's who the rules say they should go to. It's everyone's nature to do that. So I'm hoping that none of my students do that, and I have explained that there are student counsellors and careers' advisors and all sorts of people who can help more than I can with such matters, but oftentimes it's the sight of a friendly face that is needed.

I feel odd as well talking about seeing counsellors if they have problems as right now I'm being haunted with images of cutting myself to the extent I went looking for my old razor blades but when I couldn't find them I realised I had thrown them out before my hip replacement. I'm not sure why the thoughts have got more vivid recently, I think I was reflecting on the first month at work and realised that I don't seem to be as settled as other people. I sometimes feel that as it is the institution where I studied and tutored for a number of years that people aren't as friendly and welcoming to me as to the others simply because they think I'm all settled and it's nothing new. I'm not unhappy but I'm not sure the extent to which I'm happy and I think I'm rolling in self doubt right now, wondering why they employed me, what use I am and how to stay as small and as invisible as possible.

As for the cutting I still remember the sheer relief from it and I don't want to remember it. It's hard not having confided in any of my friends and right now the TV programmes seem to have a lot of it so I'm surrounded. I think this time I may have to mention it to my GP next time I get a repeat prescription, I just don't know what I expect to gain from it.

Feeling grotty.

I'm just back from a conference that my friend organised in Oxford. I wasn't speaking at it: not good enough! I only managed to go to the first day as I had no voice the second day and am feeling pretty grotty still. My voice is sort of back but not great really still. I didn't go in today as I wanted to try and get rid of it and ended up spending most of the day in bed. Even now I'm looking forward to getting back to it. I have to go in tomorrow as someone from occupational health is coming to make sure my office is safe for me and then there's the school board meeting in the afternoon.
Most of the day I received reports for the board meeting: all the research groups submitted a report on what they'd been up to. I wasn't mentioned in ours other than as a welcome note. I went cold when I saw what people were up to and what they had been doing and what they had published and actually thought, and still am thinking, what the hell am I doing here. As much as anything it's having been in Oxford surrounded by people who are at the top of their fields whereas I'm not good enough to even be considered for weeding that field.
My friend has been in Oxford for over a year now and has coped brilliantly with the pressure to produce but not as well as she had thought or as well as she wants to. She now thinks that she's a failure as she's thinking of looking elsewhere. It's strange, my friends talk to me about such things but I can't open up to them. I told her it would be a bigger failure if she carried on until she made herself ill, especially as she recognises that other people seem to manage better than her. I also said that if she was a failure what did that make me seeing as I wouldn't even dare to go near Oxford or cambridge because of the pressure cooker type life that people seem to lead.
I even quoted the psychologist at her and said it was about being good enough and not about being the best; again she doesn't even know that I've had a stint of CBT.
I have to go and prepare a few tutorials: I can't believe they start next week.