Gutted

I've not had the greatest of weeks and it just got worse today.  At the start of the week an abstract on a conference paper got rejected.  The conference is the BIG one in my research area, only held every two years and my abstract got rejected the last time as well.  It means my application for funding won't be accepted as you have to be presenting a paper.  Which in turn is related to my probationary requirements for my current job. 
Today, however, I got an even bigger shock.  In my university people are put into units within their departments according to their research interests.  I'm in unit X.  Strictly speaking I should probably be in unit Y as I don't really fit into X research wise, but truthfully I don't fit into any of the current units in my department, including Y.  Not only that, unit X is the only 'proper' legal unit, the rest are areas and odd "buzz word of the moment" units which are not strictly legal.  My unit, however, in spite of being the only one which contains proper lawyers and who are all involved in teaching the core legal subjects has no clout whatsoever.  We are viewed as peripheral to the department, a unit who largely moans, but our moans are legitimate.  OK, I know I would say that, but an example: 300 students in every year, there were 3 members of staff teaching on the core modules, all from my unit.  Some of the optional modules have less than 40 students in them and there are 3 members of staff teaching them.  It doesn't take a genius to work out which staff have the heaviest marking and feedback load.  Yet we all get the same credit for teaching. 

Anyway, on with the tale: as a probationary member of staff, I have a 4 person committee within my unit who are to help me through.  In January, one of the committee left for one of the other units.  I was a bit concerned but I wasn't that friendly with him so recovered.  Today, however, the Prof who I am really close to, I confide everything in her, told me she has left the unit as well for the same unit as my other committee member.  I was shocked, gobsmacked, gutted, reeling.  She could have told me she was retiring and I wouldn't have felt any worse.  She said she wanted to be in a unit where the head of it has more clout (the head does) and would be better for her.  She advised me to join it as well.  I've gone through a range of emotions: upset, buckets of tears shed.  Anger: if we hadn't had a module review meeting I would have found out by an email from my unit head saying she'd transferred.  Confusion. 

I can't leave my current unit, I enjoy the people in it.  There's just no one left in it who has any appreciation of my work.  Not that there are any in the other units either.  In addition, the unit I would transfer to (the one my two committee members are now in) is where the bully is.  I've been in 2 meetings with this guy this week and we've been at each other's throats.  He is rude, he interrupts me constantly, he talks down to me: I couldn't cope with him being in my unit.

I'm also unclear as to whether the two staff who have departed my unit will still stay on my committee. I think it would be wrong to remove them but who knows? 

I've been considering stopping the methotrexate in the hope my joints may swell and I could get signed off sick.  That's how bad I'm feeling: I'm willing to risk my health.  And the razors are never far from my thoughts either.

Long time

I haven't written in nearly a month, simply because I've been too busy and have been close to tears virtually every evening after work.  I made it through my teaching course and all the marking but it was a close shave.  I was getting up in the morning feeling worse than I felt when I went to bed.  It wasn't helped by the fact that my throat was still bad and I started a cough.  I went back to the doctor who said it was clear and then I went back the following week to the nurse for blood tests and she sent me down to the doctor because I looked so bad and told her I felt so awful.  It wasn't my usual doctor and I came close to breaking down as I told her I was close to tears most of the time.  She gave me decongestants and said to come back if I felt no better.  Two weeks later I was back with my own doctor who listened to my chest, gave me an inhaler and said to come back if no better after using it for 2 weeks.  I've been using it a week now and I notice the difference after using it; however, I have finally made it back to the pool and I can tell from that that my breathing isn't right.  Still another week to go.  I also asked my GP when I was there if it would be crazy if I went skiing.  I've been before when I was 16 on a school trip but I'd really like to try it again, and before I went skiing I want to do one of the day courses you can do at indoor slopes.  She didn't see why not and said she'd check with hubby. 

On other things, exam results are out.  All my students passed, some of them did very well.  Now starts the giving of feedback.  I've already sent out the coursework feedback and said that if any of them want feedback on their exam to let me know.  I'm seeing 2 so far, one tomorrow and one on Monday. 

I'd felt slightly calmer until this week when I've just been inundated with admin and meetings and I'm starting to feel stressed and emotional again.  I feel as if I've done far more than my other probationary colleagues, including those who started a year or more before me.  I did all I said I would do last year, I've contributed to teaching on core modules, I've introduced one new module and hope to introduce another one next year as well as contributing to a new masters course that looks like starting.  Yet that wasn't considered sufficient and I was made head of a year as well meaning I deal with all student problems as well as sit on every committee there is.  And they call that light admin.  The worst thing is that one colleague who started with me didn't get done what she said she'd do for last October until August and she gets no admin.  Another guy doesn't do any marking, gets away with, gets away with being a crap lecturer and he gets no admin because everyone knows he won't do it.  It's clearly a case of being punished with admin because you show you can do what you say.  I have a meeting with the head of department and my probationary committee at the start of March and if I continue feeling as stressed and down as I do now I will be bringing a lot of this up with them.