50th post

It's my 50th post. I seem to post more when I'm feeling crap, obviously I like moaning to you lot out there! All of April it's been a joints and it seems a shame not to write about them again in my 50th post. I bit the bullet and phoned for an appointment with my GP: 2 weeks away: 14th May: I'm in Portugal. I'm debating whether or not to phone and try and speak to her and explain what's up. But with bank holidays and me in London and then away I think it's going to be bloody hard to be fitted in for another injection. And if she chooses to inject the knee joint specifically then I need to rest up and I haven't got the time to do that! ARGH.

Think I'm going to lie down and have a nap.

Joints

They've swollen again on me. ARGH. Both knees had gone by the time I got up from my desk from a couple of hours proof reading. The only thing I had done differently was wear a pair of heels about an inch and a half high and walk to work which is just short of a mile. Now I'm in a quandary about what to do: GP said to go back but she's always booked up for a week in advance as she's only in Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday half day and I don't want to see another one. With the bank holiday next Monday, me in London for the arc interview on Wednesday and me off to Portugal the following Wed 13th May if I do make an appointment to see it will only be to say that the injection worked for 10 days and then stopped. After that it will be after I come back from Portugal (end of May as heading to London for a conference directly from Portugal) that anything will be able to be done. Tired even thinking about it.

One more lecture tomorrow morning at 9am and then only 3 hours left of teaching. Thank God. Then just the exams to mark. And then summer is free, well officially research but as the book will hopefully be off to the publishers on Friday I think I can have a break and rest up for a while.

I'm also going to be busy over the next few months as, wait for it, I'm sale agreed on an apartment 2 doors down from where I am now:) It all happened so quickly so that's why no blogging about it. So I'm looking forward to choosing lots of nice new things and moving into my new home over the summer.

Sigh

I was out tonight at a joint hen and stag night (people out there note: don't do it). I haven't been out in a year(!) and I haven't seen some of the people I would have gone out with in that time. I looked around at them, all friends from uni, and I wondered what I had in common with them. And I wondered was it time to leave the friendships behind: not that we've fallen out but that we've all moved on. And then I thought but what do I move on to. I haven't made more friends in that time and I don't know how to make more friends. I don't know what I like to do any more or how to find out what I like to do. Part of me wants to go out like we used to go out and let loose and really enjoy myself, the other part of me can't be bothered changing my weekends and making that effort. I would love to have a partner, someone to share things with, someone who is always there, who makes me laugh, who is there for me when I fall and cry, when I'm tired and low, but how do you find someone like that if you don't go out, and if you do go out where do you go to find them?

High to low

I was on a bit of a high yesterday as I managed a reasonable day's work and got quite a bit done (hopefully good material!) but today, in spite of having a draft chapter completed my mood has been plummeting. Nothing has happened to cause this, it just seems to be one of those things.

My joints seem to have responded to the steroid which is one good thing. It's only now that I realise how swollen my knees actually were and how bent my elbow was. It's strange the way that you get used to things, I suppose it's good really with health matters!

eek

I have just spent a large amount of money on Boden clothes. I think this is me entering the depths of despair at the thought of having to write lectures and finish a book and I'm shopping to make myself feel better. Does it make difference though that all the clothes are brightly coloured and happy looking?

I think my elbow is straighter than it has been for a while, but my knee is feeling a bit strange as if it's about to swell. But then again I could be hyper sensitive to it all right now.

ya know...

I was just catching up on a few blogs there now and thinking how the NHS is not satisfactory to so many people (for various reasons). Yet I have a saint of a GP of whom I cannot speak highly enough. She gave me my steroid injection today (my butt is just a little bit tender: 2x 3ml of fluid going in gives a pins and needle type sensation and now the area just feels a tad bruised: niggling rather than sore: as if I need a man with strong muscular fingers to knead the area - none about however), having phoned me at home yesterday to see if I was any better (see post below) and then scheduled me in to see her today after her surgery, at 12. She also remembered about the arc user committee that I've been shortlisted for and offered me her medical knowledge if I needed a hand preparing for it. And she's agreed to write me a reference if I get offered the post and if I need one: my other referees can attest to my academic ability but I thought she would be the best to speak on my medical interest etc.

I'm not convinced the injection will help, but we will see, if not Iwill be back to see her and she said she would inject the knee directly. She's also written to my consultant to ask if he will see me again sooner as I am having a flare, which is linked to the fact that she thinks I may be on the wrong DMARD. However, I only saw him in March so not sure when he'll see me again. Having said that he is always telling me to contact him if I am having any problems.

Anyway, after the injection I met a friend for lunch and then went shopping to see if I could find a new dress for the wedding, but nothing. But I did get a rather nice handbag! This one. I was also really bad and bought a very expensive pair of shoes on Tuesday, but if I don't spoil myself, who will???

steorid time

I was meant to phone my GP today about the steroid injection. I rolled over in bed this morning snoozing happily when my phone rang. As it's a new phone I didn't know what it was for a second and then thought it was the alarm and I had somehow set it. Once I realised the phone was actually ringing I lay there momentarily wondering how I answered. Managed to do that before it rang off "urgheluro" in sleepy voice. It was my GP and she knew immediately she had woken me. It was only 9.50am! Anyway, to cut a long story short I'm getting the steroid jab tomorrow. I'm not convinced it will work but we will see and I will ask tomorrow what the next course of action will be should the elbow still refuse to straighten periodically and should the knees and ankle remain swollen.
In the meantime I am attempting to start to write a lecture for after the Easter break as I can't see myself taking up her offer of a sick note. Wish I could though!

steroids

My GP doesn't want to inject my knee joint because my ankle and elbow are swollen as well, so it's looking like a general steroid injection into my butt. She said she would do it for me next Wed or Thursday when the surgery re-opens but she's also wondering whether a change of the disease modifying drug (DMARD) I'm on would be useful. I've been on this DMARD for 14 years so I guess my body could be 'used to it', so to speak. But the DMARD I'm on is one of the least toxic there is so not sure about changing. She also suggested that I go back and see my rheumatologist but he only saw me at the start of March and was happy to leave the joints as long as they weren't causing me problems. And he was happy for my GP to inject it if she and I thought necessary.

I also asked her about changing the anti-depressant I'm on (as per psychologist's suggestion). She said she'd be happy to try a different one and suggested pro-.zac which I've already tried and also wondered about seeing a psychiatrist. I don't want to see a psychiatrist. Anyway we've left that discussion until the joints are settled. She did ask how bad I was feeling and whether I was going to do anything stupid, but I'm not. I did admit that I had been hoping she would inject the knee so I would get time off work to rest it and she was a bit shocked then that I would go through that for time off. So she offered me a note to sign me off if I wanted seeing as my joints were playing up. But I'm reluctant to do that simply because I don't think people understand joint problems. In addition my work is so flexible that I would be getting signed off just to miss something like 5 hours teaching the first week back after Easter. And I've never really used my sporadic joint problems as a reason for not going to work or class or similar.

So a bit further on but not much either. Looks as if it will be steroid injection next week, wait and see if that works and then take it from there.

talking

The psychology appointment wasn't so bad after all. It was simply an assessment to see whether I would be suitable for treatment and I managed to talk and describe things ok to him. He thinks I would benefit from longer term therapy looking at, as he put it "the nuts and bolts" of why I'm feeling like this rather than the coping mechanism strategies. Apparently you only get 6 sessions now rather than 10 so the longer term treatment would look at 15 sessions. Apparently I scored highly on both the depression and anxiety tables (initially I wasn't sure if that was good or bad: it's bad: I'm depressed and anxious), and he suggested I talk to my GP again about the anti-depressants I'm on. So I may try and do that on Thursday when I see her about my (still) swollen joints.

At present I'm back in the office trying to work on THE BOOK and wondering does 5 days to go merit a phone call to former supervisor for a cry on his shoulder.

Weekend fun...

...Not. I was in the (freezing cold) office Saturday and Sunday attempting to work on THE BOOK. As of tonight I have one chapter left to amend, one chapter left to rewrite and the intro and conclusion to rejig and then the proofreading. For Friday. This Friday coming. Isn't going to happen. Hopefully will get to the 1 May for it which is doable if I (can) keep up the pace I'm currently working at. I have a white board on my office opposite my desk and I've written on it "Good enough" which is what I'm trying to achieve rather than the perfection I normally want. Needs must and I think "good enough" is healthier and better for me right now.

Tomorrow is P-day: psychologist day. I'm still not convinced I'm doing the right thing by going. And I'm dreading the question as to whether I've self-harmed or thought of ending my life. I've not thought about ending my life but I have thought, at times, that it would be nice to not wake up. Is that the same thing? Is that as worrying as someone who actually thinks about ending things? One part of me says it is, the other part of me says that it isn't, that everyone thinks that way at times.

I ordered a new mobile last week: had to get it delivered to my parents' address as my cards are registered there. I'm meeting mum on Tuesday to get it. Am I real nerd in looking forward to that or is it another sign that I lead a fairly boring life and need to get out some more?

I'm still feeling crap. I'm back to bussing it everywhere because my joints are sore and I'm breaking out in a sweat at the effort of walking even short distances. I've stopped going to the gym and am now just swimming to see if that helps in anyway. I was also back with my GP today and I'm back on the anti-inflammatories and stomach tablets to see if that helps and go back in a week. She was talking about a short course of oral steroids but I've never really had those before and not sure I want to go down that route. At the same time, I'm off to Portugal in 6 weeks and the thought of having to go like this is too much. I want to stay within 15 mins of my bed right now.

I also have an appointment with a psychologist next week: a male psychologist. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to speak to anyone but I'm not sure if it will be helped or hindered by it being a male. I also haven't told my GP that I have been self-harming so no doubt she'll be getting a phone call after the session, if it I tell it that is. This talking therapy is just not me, I'm not a person who gets on well with people immediately or who is at ease in a crowd, either professionally or personally and I'm definitely not someone who talks about personal things to strangers. I don't even talk about them with my friends! I understand the theory behind CBT and 'talking therapy' but I remain to be convinced as to its efficacy. When talking to someone it is always possible to put a different spin on things and to find something good in anything, but when you're by yourself after 10 weeks of that it's very difficult to do it alone. I don't mean to be doom and gloom, I'm just trying very hard to express how tough I find the whole process of talking to people.