Next day

I had my first teaching today: it was terrible. I always find the first one is but after yesterday it was even worse. The powerpoint was ridiculously long, the material was complicated and I hadn't read over it properly. If any of them stay in the class it will be a miracle.

I can't stop thinking about my colleague yesterday, I know I should put it behind me but I'm finding it really difficult to. He came into the post room today when I was there (with others) and we both said hello.

I also had my psychologist appointment today. Apparently I have 4 more so it's down to 1 a fortnight now. I'm not sure if it's working or not. I am trying to rationalise my thoughts but it's incredibly difficult in relation to my colleague. I didn't mention it to her, maybe I should have. I did, however, mention the dark thoughts. Not in so many words that I keep having thoughts as to how I might commit suicide, but that the thoughts were dark. My GP didn't mention it yesterday when I saw her but she was busy with the methotrexate.

I took the methotrexate last night: no side effects as yet, not sure if it needs to build up in my system first, but I'm not complaining! The only thing I noticed is that I went to bed at 6.30 for a lie down and woke at 8.20! Normally if I sleep like that during the day I'd wake an awful lot. If it is an effect of the drug I hope that it works at night when I'm meant to be sleeping!

Awful day

Today was the start of the teaching term. I had a load of things to do ranging from gaining access to my module to writiue ng tomorrow's powerpoint for my first lecture. Naturally lots of things got in the way. The main thing was a colleague reducing me to tears by an email. Two students had emailed me at the start of July and mid August to ask for feedback on their exam. I had been their tutor and they knew me best. Both were very apologetic for disturbing me in the summer and both said September would be fine. In July I emailed the module co-ordinator and asked if he wanted to give feedback or would I do it. Much humming and hahing during which he said he was going on holiday, that we shouldn't jump when the students made a request, that he'd already done a load, and I said I wasn't going on holiday and was happy to do it, he snapped if I couldn't manage to forward it on to him. I did so. The girl who asked in August, I went back to module co-ordinator, stated that I was happy to do this and the secretaries had said they would find the paper for me. He informed me I wouldn't be able to as he still had the papers in his office and wouldn't be back till October (on research leave) and to send on the email and he would get back to the student and see her then. I sent the email to him saying that as he was on research leave till January I didn't mind doing it for him. Today I get an email to the student, copied to me, in which he states that even though he is on research leave he will extraordinarily be available for her next week and stated that she should have contacted him directly as only module co-ordinators could give feedback. First I heard of it: he hadn't said it to me at any point before. I checked to see if this was an unwritten rule and it isn't: we should just always check with the co-ordinator about it. As I had done. I replied to the co-ordinator's email stating that I hadn't known he had this rule about only him giving feedback and that I had given it before. I have to say I was furious that he undermined me to the student in the email to her so was quite curt, I suppose. He replied by stating that it was not his rule and that he would appreciate it if I did not interfere in a module on which I was no longer teaching. I burst into tears. I hadn't been interfering, I had been trying to help him out and relieve some of his work. I wrote back (probably a mistake) saying that, and explaining that the students had contacted me as I was their tutor. I also stated that because of his workload and going on research I had been trying to alleviate his workload but that it clearly hadn't been appreciated and I would not annoy him again.

I am furious. I have had bother with this guy's desire to control everything all last year, I deliberately asked not to be teaching the module again because of him and I quite frankly feel that he is a bully and what he has done is tantamount to bullying. His problem with me is that I won't just kowtow to him and that I do challenge him, as I believe I should when warranted as his colleague (he's been there longer than me but isn't actually much senior than me in that we are both lecturers and not senior lecturers). So that put a downer on the rest of the day and it took me to 7 then to finish the powerpoint.

I went to my GP today with my note from my rheumatologist about the methotrextate. Got the script and have taken my first dose. I've been warned about the alcohol again and that it might make me nauseous so here's hoping I make it to my first lecture tomorrow at 9am!

if I thought last week was busy...

it had nothing on this week. Last week was my teaching course: bloody awful isn't it. A pile of mumbo jumbo and ticking of boxes. I missed a couple of sessions due to meetings which were a blessing in disguise. And I had an appointment with my rheumatologist to have me joints injected. They weren't swollen when I saw him and they had settled slightly when I saw him so he decided not to. All my blood tests were clear from the last time as well and so he wasn't going to start me on the methotrexate. Then he asked what I thought and I told him the truth. I said that I was afraid that it would start up again and that the last episode had gone on from March. I also said that when they were swollen it made me depressed and with work I was constantly tired and fed up with it all. So he decided from that that he would start me on the lowest dose. I'm not to get pregnant (fat chance: I need a boyfriend of some sort for that) and alcohol other than a very occasional glass of wine is off the menu. So when I see my GP on Monday I will getting my prescription filled for that.

This week I've met with my first year students, gone to an admin meeting and on Friday have a student progress meeting. In between I'm trying to write exams, finalise the syllabus for my module and try and find out how many will be in my module as well as wondering when the admin issues will be sorted out. The whole system falls into disarray every registration time and still they don't learn from it.

Nose to the grindstone

Well the conference is over as is my short break and I'm back in my office as if I haven't been away at all. The conference was OK, paper went OK, no real feedback on it but then I never expected any. I'm not a conference person, I tend not to be able to speak to people nor am I really that interested in talking law all the time.
My holiday was lovely, it was only a short break but I did feel revived after the summer, it was just a pity it wasn't for longer. Now I'm back and have my teaching course this week and am going home in a few minutes to write a short lecture to give tomorrow and be video-taped. Sigh. The course is crap, no other word can be used to describe it, a complete waste of time at this time of year when I have so much other stuff to be getting on with. (Un)fortunately I missed part of this afternoon as I had a GP's appointment (more of in a minute) and tomorrow am back with the psychologist after a 3 week break as she was away and I was away then. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting in my capacity as head of year so miss part of the morning session as well. Then at lunchtime today I got a call from my rheumatologist's secretary saying there was a cancellation and could I come and get my joints injected on Thursday so I miss Thursday pm and Friday due to having to rest! All a bit mad. I've no idea whether he will still inject my joints, they haven't been as bad recently, or else I'm getting used to it. But if he doesn't inject them then I don't know where I stand about the methotrexate. Part of me feels that if they're OK leave them alone, the other part of me is sick of the constant flare ups. Anyway, Thursday will tell.

Today I told my GP about thinking about ways of committing suicide but that I wouldn't do it. She wanted to know how I was so sure. I don't know why I'm sure, it's wrong. I'd leave people behind who had no idea that things were bad, there are worse people off than me. The upshot is that I have to go back in 2 weeks and not a month and she said about avoiding situations where I do think of it, alcohol, large amounts of tablets etc. So doubt if I will be given large supplies for a while. The whole head of year thing is still worrying me: I've been going through reams of medical certs and half them seem to be suffering from depression or have taken overdoses or something similar: I just don't know if I can cope with hearing all that for the next year. It's strange: I feel brighter than I have in a long time but my thoughts are darker.

New home

As promised, pictures of my new place! I had no idea posting pictures to a blog could be so difficult, this is my 6th attempt!

My bedroom: favourite room in the house: nice and airy and relaxing: all by the book of how to cure insomnia: no tv or music as your bedroom is for sleeping! Such a shame it's not working right now.



Dining room: I love my table and chairs and you can just about make out part of a huge clock that was a present from brother and sis-in-law.

The living room. Suite and coffee table kindly donated from my big bro and sister-in-law!

This is the kitchen. I'm very proud of my racks and utensils!

Note the slight pink theme in the kitchen!

This is the second bedroom: initially the colours were in my bedroom but then I saw ones I liked more. Rather than put the new ones in the second bedroom I swapped the two around.

And that's it! Home sweet home.

Book

Madsadgirl asked me about my book in the comments in my previous post: I'd forgotten about it with everything else that happened over the summer. As is typical, the proofs arrived right slap bang in the middle of me cleaning, painting and packing. On top of the proofs arriving, they arrived without table of cases/documents and an index. Now the cases/documents weren't a problem as I had it from my PhD and just needed to add a couple of things to it, but the index was. When I enquired I was told that authors do their own and did I really need one. I pointed out that the contract stated they would do it and that the book was over 400 pages long and did need one. I was a bit upset over this as I've never done an index before and no real idea how to do one. I could pay for someone to do it but I resent spending money on that. I asked about the department what the deal was normally but didn't receive much advice (no real surprise there: I sometimes think most of them feel they did everything by themselves and had no advice, therefore everyone should). In the end, I proofread the book and jotted down key words and phrases as I went along, emailed the corrections to the publisher and said that if they wished me to do the index they would have to wait as the earliest I could manage was the end of September due to other commitments. They said that was fine so once I'm back from the conference and the teaching course I have one week before students come back (during which, as year head, I'm involved in student enrolment) to update and organise lecture notes and write the index. I'm hoping that the book will be delayed to January because that will mean that it's published in 2010 and therefore will be newly published for a year, rather than publishing it in December 2009 and in January it's already a year old!

As for the time of this post: I'm not sleeping well still. I've been taking sleeping tablets but my GP is reluctant to prescribe me many more so I'm tring to eek out what I have left. It only takes 3.75mg to help me sleep and more importantly keep me asleep and let me waken without feeling zombi like. I see my GP again on Monday 14th so I'll speak to her then about it. With term starting soon and work piling up, I don't want to end up in a state because of lack of sleep.

Long time no post

I’m sorry I haven’t updated this blog in so long. I’ve still be about, reading people’s blogs and commenting on them, I just haven’t had the energy to write my own. A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve started a new anti-depressant: Effexor and it seems to be doing a bit more than any of the others. Apparently it’s one up on the others and my GP has said if this doesn’t make any effect she wants me to see a psychiatrist, which I’m not at all keen on. I’m back seeing a psychologist, CBT again, which isn’t easy and isn’t pleasant and I’m not really sure it’s helping much. I had started self- harming again, but haven’t in about 6 weeks or so, or at least not in my mind: I have been using a razor blade to scrape off rough skin on my heels (the joys of sandal wearing) and occasionally nicked myself: is it harm? One thing that has been happening though, and I haven’t mentioned it to either my GP or the psychologist and not sure whether to, is that ideas of how I would commit suicide keep popping into my head. I would not attempt suicide but I just have to read about something, or see the number of pills I have in pill drawer for me to think of it.

On other news, my new flat is finally ready and I’m living in it. Mum and dad were great and another friend of the family’s and cleaned and painted it while I did silly little things and fed them as well. But I officially moved in yesterday. I’ll post some photos as soon as I get round to taking some. I’m living alone: my former flatmate has moved in with her dickhead of a boyfriend. When she came back from her holiday she stayed in the flat once and I had to email her to tell her I was giving in notice on the rented flat. She said she would think about things and let me know after the weekend what she had decided. After the weekend she got back to me and asked could she move in with me until the end of the year: 4 months. I said no it didn’t suit me. I didn’t want to squash all my stuff into one room for any longer. So she’s with dickhead. She had to dump a load of stuff when she moved out because he didn’t want her crap. I’m hurt and upset over it, she has never seen my new place and as it’s 2 doors down from where we rented there’s no reason other than she’s not interested. She moved some stuff out when I was in my new place and she knew where I was but she still texted from her car to say she was heading on instead of coming and telling me. So I have hardly seen her. I don’t know what to say to her any more or anything that we have in common.

Work has been work: new people started. One guy seems like a pain in the arse: super confident and everything that I’m not. Far less teaching experience than I have and he already wants to know how he can shorten his probationary period. And he’s only teaching on postgrad stuff. Another of the new people is on a 2 year fixed term post and only has 18 hours teaching over the whole year: I just don’t get that: surely fixed term people should have more teaching as they may not be here when it comes to research exercises and therefore they should be relieving people of teaching. I’m now head of a year so I deal with a group of students problems: sick notes, extensions and so on. Initially I didn’t mind but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get: Me and another girl were chosen to do this when still in our probationary periods because we’re the ones who have performed best of the crowd that started last year. Fine: except our pay stays the same (she’s on more than me as she’s been a lecturer somewhere else for 2 years) and the others we started with have no such duties (remember at least one of them can’t speak English).

I’ve also to do a teaching course: governmental requirement. It’s a week long from the 14th Sept. I chose that week as the first week it runs I’m at a conference for 2 of the days so thought I shouldn’t miss 2 days of it. The guy who can’t speak English is going to the same conference as me but has signed up for the earlier session: where the hell is management to put their foot down, insist he take English classes and attend all of a course? I have to try and not think about all of this because it only makes me angry, which only makes me think and do silly things which depresses me further.

I’ve been given all the student notes from previous years for the year head role. I’ve read through them and now I’m a bit worried about the post. So many of them seem to be depressed or anxious and as a result not able to hand in work or sit exams. Part of me thinks that I can empathise with them, the other part of me just gets depressed and anxious reading about all of it (one girl took an overdose) and makes me think of dark things. Then another part of me thinks I’m managing (sort of), I’m not getting any special dispensation for my depression or self harm, life’s shit, get used to it. I sometimes think that I shouldn’t be doing the post, that it’s too close to the bone for me and if people in charge knew about me they wouldn’t let me do it. But they don’t know about me so I’m doing it and will have to live with any consequences.

My new place is lovely, I’m delighted with it, it’s home and it’s all mine. I’ll take photos tomorrow and post. I’ll also post more often: I may need the support of my online mates in the coming year. It’s not coming from anywhere else.