Last few days

R.A.E results were released. We did well. So lots of smug faces, pats on the back and champagne: while people were dying from lack of clean water. So now we get lots more funding to carry out more research that will be read by a very small minority of people. It really does make me wonder why I'm in this business.

Christmas lunch was today: I won't be going back next year. When the school is altogether I do not feel a member of it at all. I feel like an observer. I look around and I have nothing in common with the majority of the people and don't even really want to get to know them. I'm not unhappy there but I'm not sure that's a good way to be. I just get so tired of so much shit in the place and people thinking it's great and the double standards and the 'in crowd' and the fact that I don't feel particularly welcome by the majority of people: I don't feel as if anyone has got to know me, asked about me or made any real effort with me. But then again I don't believe I'm good enough to be there (not that I think the school is as good as the results seem to imply), I think I'm a fraud and not worthwhile enough to be bothered with.

I've also been thinking about the CBT; with my mood plummeting and the urge to cut myself stronger than ever I think I am going to go back to my GP in January and talk to her properly about it. I feel as if my life has changed but that it's stayed in the same place. I know that doesn't make sense and I'm not sure how to make sense of it but my hip has been replaced and the pain is largely gone, I can lead a different life. Yet nothing has changed. I still get upset over the hip, I still think about the operation and get scared as to what will happen in the future and I am so angry and upset that it had to happen to me.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I was back with my GP getting repeat prescriptions and she asked me again about CBT. Apparently there is a new online programme called Beat the Blues which she can refer me to that I will do by myself or else go back to the psychologist in the flesh. I'm a bit reluctant to do either right now and yet part of me does realise that I do need to start tackling how I'm feeling before I sink further. I have cut myself again and in an attempt to stop myself I'm contemplating starting smoking again, which, even to my irrational way of thinking, seems bloody stupid. I suppose I should see how Christmas goes and maybe bite the bullet then: a new year, a time to become a new me?

On other things, I've finished teaching: I rescheduled this week's tutorials for last week so that both me and the student would finish the module up early. The students didn't mind as they have two pieces of coursework due at the end of the week. My research group also had a Christmas lunch last week which was really nice. And then we have the school lunch this Friday.

This week is actually a huge week in universities: the RAE results come out. The RAE is the Research Assessment Exercise and it's run every so many years and essentially it assesses the research outputs of every department in every university. The results determine how much money each university will get from the government. I think people are running round thinking about this but to be honest, and terrible as this may sound, I couldn't care less what my department scores. I wasn't part of the RAE because I only started in September so my work isn't being judged. And, to be really honest, and to utter something that would probably get me sacked(!), I'm not convinced any research should take place other than medically-related research. I look at my own work, which is purely doctrinal and I think what use is that to anyone. It won't save lives, it won't change the lives of anyone and it won't be read by very many people other than a handful of other equally useless researchers.

Pissed off

I have yet another cold. My immune system must be shot to pieces. That's not what's annoying me though. In a way it's silly, but in September a friend moved in with me after I'd been living alone for over a year. I live in a city centre apartment and the car parking space is £90 extra a month so as she has a car and would take me places I pay £45 towards it. She has a boyfriend though who lives about 20 miles away and she would stay with him quite a lot. It never really bothered me but recently she's been spending more and more time in his company. He would only stay over for one night and she would spend the rest of the time in his place. Since last Thursday they have not been apart for one night. She's off down to his now as she's going to do an hour in the gym. And the gym has only started since I've been going to boxercise. I don't know why she doesn't just move in with him. And yet I don't want her to move in with him. Her parents are completely against the relationship, as am I. He's separated from his wife, is not interested in getting divorced from her and has 2 children, one of whom he didn't tell my friend about until they'd been going out for over a year. And he's 13 years older than her. She has a very uneasy truce with her parents over him (they just don't discuss him) and I think she's on a road to nowhere with him. If she moves in with him then he will never get divorced and her certainly will never marry her. I don't believe that he wants anymore children and I think she's just blinded by him. Quite frankly I couldn't see him far enough. And I'm tired of telling her that and watching her throw her life away on a loser.

On other things, my lectures went well, hurrah. Haven't heard any complaints so far about them and one of my friends (student) from sign language turned up and signed at me at the start and finish of them. I could have killled him, but it was good feedback as well as he was able to tell me that his mates thought I was grand, that I didn't speak too fast and that my handouts were good. All good.

I'm really down and a bit weepy right now. Fell asleep last night thinking about cutting myself and now I'm alone all evening. I'm hoping the fact that I'm tired will kick in and I'll go to bed early and fall asleep without too much sniffling and coughing.

As expected

As expected, the tutorials were bloody awful. One of the students apologised to me before saying that she couldn't understand a word the lecturer said and another said the only notes he had were the extra ones on the topic that the subject leader had put online. I spent the tutorials going through the topic rather than actually discussing the topic. It's my turn to lecture in just over a week and I'm going to be asking the subject leader to tell me if there are complaints about the lectures (there were loads about the last lecturer). I want to know so that I can actually build on them and improve upon them. Needless to say comments like she's crap without actually telling me why I'm crap is not enough. And I know it will be discouraging but hopefully I will get past that.

Tomorrow I will be going to a dinner dance with my parents: I'm hoping that my dress still fits from last year as I've put on a bit of weight since then, unfortunately given my hip replacement. I've been trying to lose it but to no avail and all in all I'm really discouraged by it as I want to and need to lose the weight to help the replacement last as long as possible. For the dance I've been St Tropezed fake baked: the turkey in the oven belief in that it always looks more appetising when golden brown! I've just noticed though that the tan appears to have brought up all the places I've cut myself including those cuts that are months old and gone to the naked eye.

I went to boxercise last night: good fun so hopefully I'll go once a week to it now as well as swimming and salsa and pilates: I should be a size 8! Some of it I did sit out off because of the hip: there's always some reminder that I'm not quite the same as anyone else in these classes.

hectic

Things have been hectic this week: the tutorial topic for next week is confusing to say the least and the guy who gave the lectures hasn't appeared to have conveyed the knowledge that well to the students. So I spent most of the week attempting to get to grips with it so that I can do the job of the lecturer on Monday and explain the material from scratch to the students rather than guide discussion on it.
I've also had more meeting about various things, mostly induction things still! As well as a meeting to open a savings account. I had no idea it would be so difficult. I want to save nearly a third of my salary each month, quite simple I thought, but no I had an hour long meeting on Tuesday with a financial advisor and still don't have the account open. A meeting next Tuesday with someone different but this time I'm telling her at the outset that if she can't open me an account then and there then to forget about it and I'm going somewhere different.
I've also been keeping active on the exercise front and went to Pilates on Monday for the first time ever. I enjoyed it, but he had us doing sit up type things to use or stomach muscles. I had none! Or so I thought until the gradual ache developed in that area on Tuesday and Wednesday! Clearly muscles reacting to having been used for the first time in 31 years! Went for a swim after pilates and also on Tuesday. On Monday evening I headed to my second salsa class, great fun! Am so crap it would be embarrassing except for the fact I'm doing it for fun and nothing else. After the class though, things went downhill. There's a travelling amusement park in town right now and we went to go on one ride after salsa. paid my money, walked up the gangway to discover that I would somehow have to hoist myself into a seat sitting at waist height with sticky out thing that sits between your legs. Couldn't manage it because of the hip. My friend ended up going alone and I had to get my money back. It was just another reminder that the hip is never going to be like my friends' hips. Of course the first thing I thought of doing was going home and cutting myself but so far I haven't done that. It still upsets me though when I think about it. And then I look at where I cut myself the last time and that upsets me too. And then you read about what other people have to cope with in their lives and that makes me feel so much worse as well as they are so much worse off than me and yet aren't sinking like I am at times.

Bad times

It's been a long time since the last blog post. Things have been up and down the last couple of weeks, more down than up if yesterday's events were anything to go by.

I don't know what started it all exactly. Teaching went OK: too many turned up so the room was bunged and someone asked could they transfer int my tutorial group but that's not my decision to make so I had to refer her to the module co-ordinator. I had taught her before so I can't help wondering if she wants to transfer because of me (it does happen!) but I don't good think I'm enough for anyone to change for that reason.

I then had an appointment with my GP in the afternoon: she asked if I had tried easing off on the anti-depressants but I haven't. I'm scared to stop them given the thoughts I have of self-harming and how up and down my moods have been. I also had to get a slip signed for my gym saying that I could exercise (the same gym that I've belonged to for the last 4 years) which she did just saying on it that I should be careful because of the hip replacement. She thinks my gait is marvellous and you couldn't tell that I've had the op, which is great but is going to check and see if I can take up boxercise. At the end of the appointment I plucked up the courage to tell her about my thoughts of self-harming. She was pleased that I had told her and saw that as a positive sign, asked me if I wanted to go back and see the psychologist. But I'm reluctant to do that. She did give me advice like distracting myself when I feel like self harming so I don't actually do anything, or use a red pen to mark where I would cut myself. It all makes sense but it's as if there's a barrier between me hearing this advice and using it.

I thought having told someone out loud may have helped dispel the thoughts but I went home and used a razor to cut myself.

Teaching

First tutorials went OK, could have been better but could have been far worse! I was expecting far worse.
This week is full of meetings; tomorrow a coffee in the morning with the chair of my probationary committee followed by a meeting with my entire probationary committee in the afternoon followed by the research group's reading group. Oh and I want to fit a swim in before all of that! I had also scheduled for tomorrow to start reading my thesis in order to get it into my head what I needed to do to convert it to the book but it looks as if it will have to wait as I am still struggling with the damned book review. If I haven't said it before I'm saying it now: never again.
Meantime, all staff have had to meet with their personal tutees. Except they are not our personal tutees, they are our Personal Development Plan Tutees, or is that meant to be Professional? I think this is government mandated and I think the idea is to ensure that students identify their skills as they develop them in their degrees and see how they are transferrable. It's also to bridge the gap between school where they are spoon fed to university where the are not (apparently). The problem is that they are not to come to us with personal problems, but if a student knows a lecturer then that's who students go to and not to some stranger just because that's who the rules say they should go to. It's everyone's nature to do that. So I'm hoping that none of my students do that, and I have explained that there are student counsellors and careers' advisors and all sorts of people who can help more than I can with such matters, but oftentimes it's the sight of a friendly face that is needed.

I feel odd as well talking about seeing counsellors if they have problems as right now I'm being haunted with images of cutting myself to the extent I went looking for my old razor blades but when I couldn't find them I realised I had thrown them out before my hip replacement. I'm not sure why the thoughts have got more vivid recently, I think I was reflecting on the first month at work and realised that I don't seem to be as settled as other people. I sometimes feel that as it is the institution where I studied and tutored for a number of years that people aren't as friendly and welcoming to me as to the others simply because they think I'm all settled and it's nothing new. I'm not unhappy but I'm not sure the extent to which I'm happy and I think I'm rolling in self doubt right now, wondering why they employed me, what use I am and how to stay as small and as invisible as possible.

As for the cutting I still remember the sheer relief from it and I don't want to remember it. It's hard not having confided in any of my friends and right now the TV programmes seem to have a lot of it so I'm surrounded. I think this time I may have to mention it to my GP next time I get a repeat prescription, I just don't know what I expect to gain from it.

Feeling grotty.

I'm just back from a conference that my friend organised in Oxford. I wasn't speaking at it: not good enough! I only managed to go to the first day as I had no voice the second day and am feeling pretty grotty still. My voice is sort of back but not great really still. I didn't go in today as I wanted to try and get rid of it and ended up spending most of the day in bed. Even now I'm looking forward to getting back to it. I have to go in tomorrow as someone from occupational health is coming to make sure my office is safe for me and then there's the school board meeting in the afternoon.
Most of the day I received reports for the board meeting: all the research groups submitted a report on what they'd been up to. I wasn't mentioned in ours other than as a welcome note. I went cold when I saw what people were up to and what they had been doing and what they had published and actually thought, and still am thinking, what the hell am I doing here. As much as anything it's having been in Oxford surrounded by people who are at the top of their fields whereas I'm not good enough to even be considered for weeding that field.
My friend has been in Oxford for over a year now and has coped brilliantly with the pressure to produce but not as well as she had thought or as well as she wants to. She now thinks that she's a failure as she's thinking of looking elsewhere. It's strange, my friends talk to me about such things but I can't open up to them. I told her it would be a bigger failure if she carried on until she made herself ill, especially as she recognises that other people seem to manage better than her. I also said that if she was a failure what did that make me seeing as I wouldn't even dare to go near Oxford or cambridge because of the pressure cooker type life that people seem to lead.
I even quoted the psychologist at her and said it was about being good enough and not about being the best; again she doesn't even know that I've had a stint of CBT.
I have to go and prepare a few tutorials: I can't believe they start next week.

Well, after flagging the salary issue (and the lack of PhD but everyone thinking he has one) last week, on Friday his website went live. And he was Dr. This pisses me off big time. I know it may sound silly but people with PhDs work long and hard to get them and it's a huge honour to finally be able to call yourself Dr. After all, we don't like it when complementary therapists use the title Dr when they have no medical training whatsoever, or when architectural technicians call themselves architects (my dad was an architect so I feel that only someone who has undertaken 6 years study and then the requisite training should be able to call themselves architect) it should be the same for PhDs.
Anyway, in the course of today his title was changed to Mr! Hurrah, success. Someone has realised and someone has acted. Wouldn't it be great now if I got shoved up an extra point in the salary scale now!
On the work and other fronts, things aren't so good. The prepping isn't going well at all and my mood isn't that great. My joints (not the artificial one) have been playing up with my knee swelling really badly and my wrists and elbows being sore. The knee will swell now every 8 days for 2/3 days and it will go on like this until it's injected with steroids. No real point in going to my GP with it as no one will want to inject it as it was only done in May before the hip replacement. I'm meant to rest when it's bad, but it's a bit hard to do when I'm working now and because it's so often and so regular I can't really be off or working from home on that regular a basis! I guess it's just something I'll have to factor in.

Prep time

Well, I had my meeting with the head of school. And I brought up the salaries. I told him I had agonised over whether or not to ask him about it but essentially I wanted to know for my own reference purposes. I phrased it along the lines of "how are salaries determined, as I discovered through the conversations of one of the other new people that I was getting the same salary as he was yet he had no PhD." Initially it was said that this guy had his viva very soon but I said no, he had yet to submit his PhD and hadn't the experience of teaching undergrads and postgrads that I had. The head of school realised who it was and said his name and I confirmed yes, but from that I assume that he too was under the assumption that the guy had his PhD. Essentially, I was told that HR decide the salaries and any new person starting out would start on the same salary unless the interview panel thought there were strong reasons for having a higher starting salary. All well and good but if the panel were misled as to someone's qualifications, how then are they to base a decision on whether to start someone higher up the salary scale? Anyway, it's said and done and I think I did it in a nice way so as not to get the head's back up.

One of the reasons I was adamant I wanted to say something is that I applied unsuccessfully for more than 50 jobs before getting one and got no job offers without my PhD so it does grate that this person appears to have lied and have got a job as the result of the lie. At the time of accepting the job I wasn't in a fit a state to bargain with them over salary as I was less than 2 weeks after my hip replacement and doped to the eyeballs on painkillers. I will know in future to ask for that little bit more if and when I change jobs!

Today I started looking at the textbooks of one of the subjects I'm teaching. I've never taught it before or even studied it, but I'm not unduly worried about it. I've decided most of this week will be given over to the teaching prep and getting to grips with the basics of it. Next Monday or Tuesday I will have another look at this damned book review and try and amend it as to their suggestions. Then I will finally get a look at my thesis and start preparing it as the book for next March! Things have started to get busy for me.

Absent

I've been absent again. Not really sure what I've been doing: not much I suppose, certainly not anything to blog about. It was my birthday last week so I went for cake and coffee with a couple of the other new people. I then met my mentor on Thursday to discuss my research plans for my 3 year probationary period. I get an amount of money in addition to my salary to spend on research purposes (books, travel, attendance at conferences, joining legal societies etc.) and in order to access it I have to fill in a form, get it approved by my mentor and the head of school and then it should be all systems go. Needless to say my mentor has only recently taken over so she didn't know about the form so I had to ask one of the other newbies who had already met with their mentor. I'm now having another meeting this week about the form. Already there's going to be a problem with speaking at conferences as my area of law is such where there aren't many calls for paper and instead you have to be invited to speak at them! Anyway, a proper discussion will be had this week.

On the book review topic, I finally got it finished and it was fairly crap; checked my email tonight and they want me to be a bit more critical in it so it's back to the drawing board with it, ARGH.

However, I do have a slight dilemma. I discovered, through one of the other newbie's instigation, that I am on the same salary as he is when he doesn't have a PhD and I do. Incidentally, he appears to have misled the law school as everyone is referring to him as Dr. I also have far more teaching experience than he has and have taught and led modules at undergrad and postgrad level. I mentioned it to the chair of my probationary committee who was on the interview panel and she couldn't believe it and suggested I bring it up with the head of school. She also thought, from the interview, that he had already got his PhD. Tomorrow I have a follow up meeting with the head of school to make sure that I have settled in OK and that everything is fine. I have settled, far better than I thought I would, and everyone has been helpful and very kind. However, I am disappointed over this salary business and a bit confused as to how it could have happened. I want to say to the head that everyone has been great but I was disappointed to discover that I had been started on the same salary as someone who had not yet submitted their PhD and who did not have the teaching experience that I had. Some people are saying I should leave it and not create hassle but my intention is not to create hassle just to understand the pay schemes!

Any suggestions or advice out there?

Wrong side of bed

All the newbies were having their photograph taken for the school website today so I washed my hair this morning in readiness. My hair is naturally wavy and if I try hard it can actually be curly although only for the one day. For some unfathomable reason, I decided to straighten it this morning. Disaster! I ended up putting it up with its usual clasp. However, it was not until I tried to put on my new shoes that I lost my temper. Because of the hip replacement it can be difficult for me to get buckles done or laces tied. I have no idea how long I sat before I managed it. This ended up upsetting me and so I arrived at the university in foul form, which continued throughout the final induction meeting, exacerbated because the chair was prone to ramble on far more than was necessary! I left as soon as it was over and the chair then arrived down at my office to ask me for a coffee tomorrow afternoon!

My mood has picked up now: the photo session went better than expected and we were able to choose the best of 4 photos and then had a nice lunch. Tonight's TV is reasonable (the Restaurant on BBC 2!) and I have got slightly further with my own work in that I have printed off a sample book review from the Journal website! Tiny steps and all that....

And again

Another day wasted. This is totally ridiculous. I'm feeling crap about myself because I've done nothing, yet I know I'll feel better about myself if I could do something but I can't be bothered to do anything! ARGH.
Tomorrow I have to be up at the university as it's another of the induction days: something to do with being introduced to undergrad and postgrad advisors. Then we get our mug shots taken for the school website and notice board. The embarrassment. Like most people I hate getting my photo taken!
To bed, for tomorrow is another day and hopefully a productive one!

Lazing around

I couldn't get motivated today at all. I decided to join the gym this morning and go for a swim and then go into the university at lunch time. Lunch time changed to after lunch and by the time I got up I browsed the net and turned and came home again! Apparently these next few weeks are when I should be getting on with my research so as not to fail my probationary period, but, in spite of having a couple of deadlines, I just cannot muster the interest.

Even joining the gym wasn't easy: I've been a student member of the same gym for the last 4 years. When I joined as a "proper" member I filled in another health questionnaire. The result of that is that I have to now go back to my GP and get her to sign and say I can exercise as I diclosed my hip replacement to them. Having only seen her last week I can't face going back again so soon. It sometimes gets embarrassing as I seem to go so often.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a bit more productive!

First week.

Well, the first week is over, the second about to begin. It was strange and I'm very glad that the week is over. I'm hoping to go in tomorrow and maybe actually get some work done on a review article I'm trying to write before the end of September.

I found the constant socialising with people to be quite difficult. By nature I am a bit of a loner and don't find making small talk that easy. It's actually completely stressful for me as my mind works overtime trying to think of the next thing to say so that the conversation flows, which of course means that it doesn't flow at all. So I'm having to fight a constant desire to run from the room to the safety of my own office where I can be alone. That always makes me feel so crap especially when I see everyone else chatting away and looking as if they have always belonged.

I've also stayed on the antidepressants for the time being. My GP said I would know when the time was right to stop them. She was delighted to see me walking so well and without my crutch: it's the first time she's ever seen me without it! It's strange though, I know the hip replacement was definitely the right thing to do, but every now again sheer panic hits me as I think of what I've done at my age and how's there's no going back to it. I've had a panic attack in the middle of the night because of it and only calmed down by practicing the deep breathing techniques from the CBT. I had started a diary when tlhe CBT ended but this blog seems to have taken over from it!

The one thing I didn't admit to my GP was the fact that I can't get thoughts of cutting myself out of my mind right now. So far I haven't acted on them and hope I won't ever again but because I never confided in anyone other than her and my therapist it means that I can't go to a friend and talk to them through it. I just never knew how to tell my friends and how to admit that I was having a bad time of it.

Second day

I got my staff card today: with the requisite hideous picture. It will never see the light of day hopefully.
And, happily for me, I am not in the research group A with all the idiots I can't be bothered with; instead I am in the group I want to be with my favourite person in the law school as chair of my probation committee.
One of the other girls who started with me is extremely confident: the complete opposite of me. She's the one who got the job as one of the reserve candidates. She makes me feel even more silly and stupid. But, I just have to keep reminding myself that I was a first choice candidate and she was not. I will make friends and settle in well but I do not need to be best buddies with everyone as she seems to want to be.

First day over!

Well, the first day is over and I'm sitting with a £1000 laptop on my knee, but I'll get to that!

It went OK. All the new people met with the Head of School and heard from him how wonderful we all are and how wonderful the university is. He told us about the areas of research and how there are 4 research groups and we would be a member of one. There's where my first dilemma lies. We have already been placed in a group and I suspect I am in group A where all the people are who I wish to avoid. Not only because I don't trust them (it's likely they would be my mentors and supervisory/probationary team) but I don't trust myself to go to them if I was having problems as I don't believe they would be very helpful. We can ask to change groups if we feel we are in the wrong group but how do I explain my reasons for this?
We then met the computer officer where we were asked did we want a laptop; 3 of us took her up on the offer and when we got these great laptops the other 2 wished that they had too! If I knew how to link to one on the internet I would!
My office is small but has everything I need: lots of shelves, which is the important thing. I just need a proper chair before I can do any work in it as I had this old wooden one and my back is already aching from sitting on it.
I had lots of coffee with the other new people and got a time tomorrow for my staff card to be printed out with my mug shot on. I also have to write a blurb about myself and I can't put forthcoming publications on it so it means I have none, which is pretty weak and embarrassing as everyone else does. I'll have to put in my blurb that I have a book contract for my thesis.
Later in the week we meet the directors of the research group and am worried about that: a bit scared they'll look at me as one of their students seeing as most of them will have taught me.
Off to bed now, thankfully the staff card is being done at 11am so not as early a rise as this morning.

The end of life as I know it!

Tomorrow I start my first permanent, full time job. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Resigned I guess. There are 6 of us starting so at least I'm not the only one. There is an induction programme planned as well which is good. I'm still worried that my appointment will end up being a disappointment to the school as a whole and terrified that the research I want/need to get done for Hallowe'en won't happen. The insecurities are still there and while I am trying to practice the CBT that I had at the start of the year it is sometimes very difficult. I haven't cut myself since my hip replacement but it's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. I'm also seeing my GP this week: I've been on anti-depressants for 3 years now. I found the fact that I needed a hip replacement extremely difficult to cope with, combined with the chronic pain and attempting to finish a PhD. My GP suggested I try them and wanted to refer me to a psychologist but I refused the psychologist referral. 9 months later, no change for the better and simply sinking deeper into depression, I allowed her to refer me and changed my anti-depressant. I think I have gradually improved: the psychology appointment came through and I was accepted for a course of CBT and I had my hip replacement which changed my life. Last time I saw my GP she said I would soon be off the anti-depressants but the thought of this terrifies me: I feel safer and more secure on them. It's a bit of a shock to feel like this as I was dead set against taking them in the first place. It's also strange, part of me isn't accepting of the fact that I have been/am depressed and I have told no one about the medication of the CBT. I sometimes wonder if to be "cured" you have to be accepting of the condition.

Anyway, tomorrow is approaching, so I think it's off to bed for me. My clothes are set out, my bag ready and all the documents I need are set out.

Apologies for the absence,,,

... I have been on holiday from the 14 August and things were hectic before going!
I went on a Baltic Capitals cruise with my parents and it was wonderful! Mum and Dad had said that after the hip replacement they wanted to take me on a holiday and we thought a cruise would combine relaxing with places of interest. In August the Mediterranean is ridculously hot for my fair skin so we hit on the Baltic. We called in Stockholm, Tallinn, St Petersburg (2 days) and Helsinki. All the places we visited are worth going to again. We joined at Copenhagan and drove through the city to get to the ship. We could have gone on a river cruise that night in Copenhagan but were absolutely shattered so went to bed immediately after dinner. Copenhagan looked lovely from what we saw of it so would like to see it again. The second day was spent at sea: talk about relaxing. And we got our first taste of the food: I am refusing to get on the scales as we had a buffet breakfast, great lunch and cream tea then dinner nearly every day. Diet has started officially. The third day was Stockholm where we did a tour of the old town and then wandered round the shops for an hour or so. It seemed nice but was a bit disappointing in comparison to the rest of the cities. Still, if I get the chance I'd like to go back as we never went to the Vasa Museum where there is a preserved warship that looked amazing on postcards.After Stockholm was Tallinn, a lovely city, not sure what I was expecting but I really enjoyed it there. In the afternoon we went to an open air museum which was OK, but we have one in NI that probably is better. We reached St Petersburg the next day: WOW. I can understand why there was a revolution now. Talk about gold everywhere in places at every turn of the head: really quite disgusting when you consider how poor the rest of the country was and still is. The Church of the Spilled Blood was incredible: 8000 miles of mosaic tiles were used to decorate it, interior and exterior (I have photos which I may try and post some time!). The afternoon we spent on the ship being ever so tired. The next day in St P, we went to Peterhoff Palace and the Hermitage museum, again WOW WOW WOW. And again all so decadent. Helsinki was lovely as well and would like to go back: did a city highlights bus tour as only really had a morning there. After that another day at sea to relax before Warnemund in the former East Germany. It was a lovely little sea side town, did not expect it to be that nice at all. In the afternoon took a trip to what is known as the Molli and the Minster: a train ride and a church: really enjoyed that too and then had traditional German dessert (like we needed it!). The final day we went through the Kiel Canal and now I'm back at home. Loved every minute of it, will definitely do a cruise again, most likely with my parents as can't see any of my friends wanting to spend over a grand on one holiday. Either that or alone.
So now it's back to porridge: the job starts next Monday 9.30am and I can't say I'm looking forward to it and I can't say that I'm not looking forward to it. I have a lot to do in the first year research wise and a subject to teach that I haven't studied in a Law School where some of the senior members of staff already appear to dislike me. It's a long story but essentially I had started my PhD at the university, received funding from them and was within a year of finishing when my supervisor got a new job. I tried for an entire summer to find out what was going to happen with my supervision when he left. I got nowhere: I was made to feel guilty when I asked about it, when I went to meetings with my supervisor so eventually I decided it was time for me to move on too so I went with him. Unfortunately the people who were in charge then are still within the management committee. On the plus side, however, the knob who was head of school then is no longer head of school and the new head of school seems slightly better. He couldn't be much worse!
There still is no one on staff who researches in my area so it will be pretty lonely that way. Ideally I would like someone else more senior than me who could advise and support me but it's not possible, this year anyway. I sometimes think I need more support than other people at the same stage of their career and I know I have absolutely no self-confidence in my work, even after getting my PhD and the book contract for it but it's not something that grows on trees. An awful lot of it stems back to when my supervisor was leaving and nothing was done until I left with him, as it seemed to me that the law school was implicitly (explicitly?) saying to me that my research was crap and not worth bothering about. So an awful lot of my new job will feel like proving myself over and over again.

Crying on the inside

I found out on Friday that a publisher has accepted my book proposal - I am converting my PhD thesis into a book. The completed manuscript is to be with them for the 1 March 2009. It will be tight but hopefully my teaching load at university won't be too bad. I also got another chapter accepted for publication in an edited volume. And a book arrived that I agreed to review for a journal. So it's all go. Yet, why do I feel so absolutely useless inside as if the publisher will realise that my work is shit and that it won't sell any copies (not that it will ever be a bestseller!). I am just so insecure about it all. Not helped by the fact that my former PhD supervisor's other PhD student is super confident and a real whiz kid with numerous publications already while I've always been the slower, dumber bumbling one. She got offered the first 2 jobs she interviewed for, it took me 50 applications before getting a job. Then I saw the list of the new people starting at the university with me and it included one girl who was unsuccessful but was clearly a reserve candidate as she is now on the list. I was told I was extremely high on the list of first choice candidates but I just feel now that they will suddenly realise that the other girl is much better than me and will get so much more help and support and go further than me.

Coffee

I met one of my soon-to-be colleagues for a coffee this morning: she also interviewed me for my job (starting 1 September). She was giving me some insider information on the law school, nothing I didn't know already but good to hear that what I thought was true. I had to see the occupational health doctor before I start and I saw him last week, a complete idiot if ever there was one! He really does not have a clue. I got lectures on the difference between full and part time, lectures on why my laptop really slowed down when I used voice recognition software and what I should do when I have a flare up of the arthritic condition. Completely condescending towards me. The best of it is that I have never heard a good word from anyone about him!
Anyway I'm to speak to my line manager about an office with lift access (um, there is no lift in the law school!), voice recognition software and sitting if necessary during lectures. Also going to make sure I have a proper chair, with armrests and a super light laptop so I can work at home and also carry it with me if I head off to research elsewhere: after all no point in giving me a laptop that weighs a ton!

Bad news

I've been reading the medical blogs today and see that GPs have been in the news again. And again it's not complimentary. Actually it's been a long time since I've read anything in the papers that is complimentary doctors in general. But that's the news in general.
I mentioned in my first post that I've just had a hip replacement. I cannot speak highly enough of my surgeon who has given me back some semblance of a normal life. Already I can walk and shop for longer than I could before without that awful grinding pain, I can wear flat ballet pumps and dresses without my pelvis tilting so much that my bum sticks out even more than it does normally. I will never be perfect but my new hip is better than the original was. Perhaps I'll blog more about my hip, limitations as a result of it and how life has improved tenfold since I got my metal and ceramic one. My point here is that my surgeon has changed my life and the hip is only part of it. The other part was his time and his explanations. I read somewhere recently that orthopaedic surgeons have the worst bed manner: bollocks. My surgeon is getting a thank you card next week.
As for GPs, again, my GP has been instrumental in helping me over the last few years to cope with chronic pain, self-harming and depression. Words aren't enough in this situation but I hope that mentioning her in my PhD thesis acknowledgements (and showing her it) is indicative of how grateful I am.

First post: an introduction

I'm hoping this blog will survive for longer than the first one, or at least have more than the solitary post that I managed for that one!
Where to start? I've recently been appointed to my first post as lecturer in law in a UK university (start in September). By chance, it is also the university I attended for my undergraduate degree and part of my PhD. I've mixed feelings about that, which I may go into in future posts: it wasn't what I intended but it is what is right for me at this stage in my life as I have just had a hip replacement (at the tender age of 30). The university is in the same city where I had the operation and friends and family are all within close proximity should I need them. The 'new' hip is 9 weeks old today and I've been in love with it since day one. No regrets whatsoever and I would advise any 30 year old who needs one and whose life is constrained by a dodgy hip to go for it. My surgeon has joined my list of "People I would do anything for".
Who knows if I will attract any readers: expect ramblings on my job, my desire to have done medicine, my hip and how it's going (and also how the other one is!), the occasional rants, ahem, and the trials and tribulations that have made up my life so far and how I should deal with them (not always how I do actually deal with them!). I hope any readers get as much out of it as I get out of the blogs I love to read.