strange mood

I'm in really weird form and I can't put my finger on it. My teaching isn't going well, it's me rather than the students. I can't get up to speed and I can't get the information across to them in a coherent manner. My heart isn't in it really. And my mood has been all over the place. Up and down like a yoyo. I spent Saturday in bed as I couldn't be bothered getting up, Saturday evening in tears and the rest of the time bumbling along.

I've been considering my life and looking into alternative careers including nursing. I'd get funding for it I think but having bought the flat I can't afford to do it for another couple of years. I just want to do something a bit more worthwhile with my life than sit in an ivory tower and write things that will never be read except by a handful of idiots. I mentioned it to one of my probationary committee and she was shocked that I was thinking of doing something like that.

On other things, the thoughts continue unabated. I find myself stepping away from kerbs as fleeting visions go through my mind of stepping in front of cars. I hate being in the razor aisle in supermarkets or pharmacies as I think of cutting myself: they're horrible thoughts as they are so dark and so threatening.

CBT

I'm still attending the psychologist/CBT therapist. We're winding down now, last time there was 2 weeks between sessions and then this time there are 3 weeks. Today's session was quite amusing, well the last 15 minutes were. She asked my advice on something. I've said elsewhere that I'm a year head this year (and for who knows how many years!) and the advice I asked for was related to that. Apparently a student from my uni has been admitted to the local psychiatric ward and my therapist was asking advice in relation to the role of the year head. I should stress that at no point was confidentiality breached. I have no idea if the student is male or female (in this post I'll probably lapse into referring to them as a female!), what department they are studying in or much else about them. I explained my role as year head and said the student should speak to her head ASAP, backed up with medical certs and so forth. Also that there were a number of options available to them including temporary/permanent withdrawal and the time periods re financial issues. However, there appears to be a problem with uni accommodation which is university accommodation. The uni has said that they don't feel uni accommodation is appropriate for the student because the rest of the students go out an awful lot. I couldn't believe that. To me uni accommodation is imperative: it gives first years an opportunity to meet new people and socialise. Even if this student doesn't go out much is it not better for them to be somewhere with others than potentially living in private accommodation with the attendant problems and stresses of that. Fine, the uni could be within their rights to deny uni accommodation if the student attempted to blow the accommodation up but not because the student has a mental health problem. It's discrimination. So I told the therapist that the Disability Office should be contacted, I suggested to consider asking the uni options about a different type of accommodation: perhaps in designated disability adapted rooms where generally there are less people to a kitchen, or even in PG accommodation. I also said to consider options such as a regular check in with the accommodation warden to make they're coping etc. I mentioned the Student Guidance centre and the counselling service there which could be used in conjunction with her psychiatrist once they are released, and also seeing if their department would perhaps try and organise a buddy in a higher year to provide some support if needed.

It felt so odd giving this advice! I'm getting some leaflets from the various services for the therapist to give to the psychiatrist so that they can see what support is available.

On other things, life goes on. Teaching is OK: things are tough this week workwise because tutorials for the other subject I'm teaching on start this week so I'm struggling to keep my head above water with prep for that as well as my own module.

I'm tolerating the methotrexate so far, no real side effects. Felt a bit queasy this morning and now and I'm wondering if it affects your circulation as I've been freezing in bed at night (even with a heavy duvet, warm blanket and another comforter), so I must google that. I also got my flu jab today and my baseline blood test results back from two weeks ago. I've also had my new bloods taken to make sure that the methotrexate isn't slowly killing me! I'll get those back in a couple of weeks when I see my GP.