Saturday, 13 November 2010

What do you do, who do you turn to?

Having had a weigh in and lost no weight I started a downward spiral. I've drunk a lot of wine, I've not slept, I'm thinking if cutting myself and I don't know who to turn to. I came down if the initial high of seeing dd and all the gym stuff but I seem to have plummeted big time. I don't know who to talk to, who to see, who to confide in or who to attempt to tell how I'm feeling. I don't think I even know how I'm feeling myself right now. The urge to cut is so strong yet I know it's so wrong and would be taking a step back but the difference in my mood between a fortnight ago and now has scared me more than anything. I was doing so well I was prepared to come off the venlafaxine but now I just don't know. The sheer high from dd almost seems like mania compared to how I feel now. In 2 hours time I'm meant to be doing a fast walk but I don't know how as I've do many prescription drugs flowing through me! I'm feeling really desperate.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

The Shame - Part1

One of the things DD banned me from last week was alcohol: he also showed me the weight loss record of another client from July 2010.  Banning alcohol doesn't really have that much effect on me because as methotrexate is toxic to organs, I'm not meant to drink at all, or certainly only small amounts occasionally.  And the majority of the time I don't drink. 

On Friday my research group went out for an Indian.  We met in a pub beforehand and I was excellent, only having a sparkling water and lime.  Journied on to the Indian where I ordered lamb garlic chilli and boiled rice (breaking red meat ban and carbs ban) and tucked into poppadums.  I accepted one glass of wine.  I was telling one of my colleagues about the diet sheet a personal trainer had given me (not mentioning that he was my personal trainer) and explaining 5 small meals a day, no carbs etc.  I went on to say how he was built like a tank and drop dead gorgeous.  Conversation continued on until someone got up from the table directly opposite me and I heard this voice: "Alhi, well hello!"  Gulp, it was DD.  I glanced at wine glass and looking like a rabbit caught in headlights said Hello as silence fell around my table and everyone stared at him.  He said "I hope you have a packed lunch with you!"  At which stage I mouthed "F*** off" and he disappeared to the toilet.  I was mortified and could feel the colour rushing to my face.  However, worse was to come.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010


And so, to prove that this blog will share the good and bad of the personal training and weight loss programme, I was seriously told off at today's session by DD.  I lost no weight.  He started by saying that he wasn't just about training that it was about major lifestyle changes.  He even told me to look at him when he was talking as I was looking at the ground.  I felt like a recalcitrant school girl who had been caught smoking or drinking on school grounds.  He said that in the first six weeks the weight should be dropping off me.  So, he's set a weight loss target of 4lb between today and next Tuesday.  GULP.  And if I thought he was mad today I'll see 4 times worse next week if I haven't lost the weight.  And then the session started.  It was back to the legs and it was longer and tougher than the first time.  He did, however, admit that I was extremely strong and a lot fitter than he had thought and it was the swimming. 

I have one day off between now and seeing him next Tuesday.  On Saturday.  But I'm going to have to swap the Sunday stuff for Sunday as I'm at home for my mum's birthday.  And a strict diet between now and Tuesday.  I'm exhausted.  I was hoping for tomorrow as a rest day and I was going to rest and not even go for a swim. 

Thursday, 21 October 2010


And so, today it was the stomach and arms.  First though it was the weigh in - I lost 2lb!  I couldn't believe it: since the first weigh in I have eaten 4 cupcakes, 2 caramel squares and a caramel muffin: not good: far more than I normally eat of sweet stuff.  So clearly the FBD is working.  As of tomorrow though, it's working on the diet and exercise.  DD gave me his diet sheet: I would definitely lose weight following it: 5 small meals a day with some of the meals comprising nuts, seeds, yoghurts: not stuff that I can like and actually stuff that makes me want to puke.  So I'm going to essentially be cutting out the crap and eating sensibly.  I'm to lose another 2lb by next Wednesday but I'd love to lose more.  Tomorrow is rest day so I'm going to have a swim instead.  Unfortunately I have to go Saturday and Sunday though:(

As for the stomach and arms, it was fairly tough.  I made the mistake of saying that only my thighs were sore after last week and I could manage everything and then said I have a high pain threshold - well after having hip pain for so long, various other joints aching on a regular basis and a hip replacement, if I couldn't tolerate pain then I'd be pretty pathetic!  Anyway, I think it is now his mission to make me feel serious pain (from my muscles being used!).  I can feel my shoulders have been used but that's it.  I love the weights work, could do without the treadmill.  Sometimes though, I think that my arms bulk up fairly quickly, but I'm sure DD won't have me looking like a sumo wrestler. 

He could only take me next Wednesday at 11.30 so I'm being naughty and cancelling my blood tests and asthma review.  I'll make them for again though once I look at my diary and schedule in my appointments with DD.  They're more important right now! 

On other stuff, things continue as normal.  Work is rubbish, the cuts are hitting higher education and we were told yesterday that the biggest expenditure in our department is salaries.  So with the end of probation approaching I'm not holding out many hopes for actually being confirmed and progressing on.  I also didn't get shortlisted for a job somewhere else that a friend did get shortlisted for, who hasn't yet got their PhD.  I've asked for feedback but got some rubbish back so I asked for more, but no reply yet.  I'm not letting it go and I told them I knew someone without a PhD had been shortlisted.  It just really annoyed and upset me.  I think it's lucky that I have DD and the gym to get rid of my frustration otherwise I'd be using other more harmful ways.

Monday, 18 October 2010


Following on from Saturday's FBD and the disaster with the treadmill being in mph and not kph I went to my own gym today to do the FBD (and tomorrow and Wednesday).  I'm meant to do 30 mins leading to 3km of varying inclines and distances.  I followed DD's notes to the letter ... and ended up with 33 mins and 2.94km.  I have no idea where I'm going wrong.  I also skipped the stretches again.  I know, I know, it's bad of me, but I hate doing them.  I'll try and do most of them before bed tonight to make up for it.  I think the FBD got slightly easier today from when I first did it: I could only manage 20 lengths after the first time but managed 40 lengths today.  On the other hand that could be because I didn't do the stretches.  Sigh. 

I don't know if I mentioned I have a new admin role in my dpeartment.  It's running a new personal tutor scheme essentially, but as all other schemes have slowly petered out (actually fairly quickly) it was a role that no one else would want.  Anyway, so far it seems to be going ok (it involved designing a new framework) and tonight I got an email from a member staff saying I was doing a great job.  It really is things like that that make all the difference. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow's FBD and hopefully it will be 30mins this time!

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Round 2

So, round 2 with dishy Dave (DD) was on Friday.  Hurting slightly more after that one.  It was time to work on bum, thighs and shoulders.  Apparently I am strong as well as flexible.  Strange the things you learn:)

It was all about lunges and step-ups onto benches.  I actually thought I couldn't do lunges or step ups but he has a rope type thing that helps stablise you.  I still felt pretty unsafe doing the step ups!  He warned me I would be sore on the Saturday but I was nowhere near as bad as I expected to be.  My thighs were, and still are, the most painful, but my bum and shoulders are fine (must be the swimming).  I had 'homework' to do yesterday: the dreaded treadmill workout.  I was at home at my parents so had to go to the public gym there (actually state of the art).  It was hilarious: first off, the treadmill was programmed to miles so I was working out the equivalent of 6km/hour in miles/hour and so on, for 30 mins!  I walked for 1.8 miles which I think is equivalent to 3km?  It was only when I finished did I work out you could change the programming to km/hour!  Talk about feeling foolish.  I will admit to not doing the stretches: I was slightly worried that if I lay down on the mat that I wouldn't be able to get up again! 

Today then was rest day and then the next 3 days is the treadmill routine until I see him on Thursday.  Treadmill routine is known as fat burning day (FBD).  I have no idea if it's working as I've eaten like a pig for the last few days so not sure if I will meet my target of 3lb off by Thursday.  Will keep plugging away though.

On Friday when I arrived home to do a quick clean before heading to the parental home.  I had a leak in my en suite from the flat above.  I had had a minor dripping leak when the shower was on in the flat above a few weeks ago but I reported it to the management company and it was fixed, or so I thought.  It turns out that the owner of the flat refused to allow the janitor to fix the leak saying he would do it himself.  Well, it's backfired on him as now there's a hole in my ceiling which will need fixed and he's going to be billed for it.  As I put in a new en suite last year I want it back to looking perfect. 

Thursday, 14 October 2010


One painful set of abdominal muscles.  Reward for anyone who can remove them.