I'm in really weird form and I can't put my finger on it. My teaching isn't going well, it's me rather than the students. I can't get up to speed and I can't get the information across to them in a coherent manner. My heart isn't in it really. And my mood has been all over the place. Up and down like a yoyo. I spent Saturday in bed as I couldn't be bothered getting up, Saturday evening in tears and the rest of the time bumbling along.
I've been considering my life and looking into alternative careers including nursing. I'd get funding for it I think but having bought the flat I can't afford to do it for another couple of years. I just want to do something a bit more worthwhile with my life than sit in an ivory tower and write things that will never be read except by a handful of idiots. I mentioned it to one of my probationary committee and she was shocked that I was thinking of doing something like that.
On other things, the thoughts continue unabated. I find myself stepping away from kerbs as fleeting visions go through my mind of stepping in front of cars. I hate being in the razor aisle in supermarkets or pharmacies as I think of cutting myself: they're horrible thoughts as they are so dark and so threatening.
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