Long time no post

I’m sorry I haven’t updated this blog in so long. I’ve still be about, reading people’s blogs and commenting on them, I just haven’t had the energy to write my own. A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve started a new anti-depressant: Effexor and it seems to be doing a bit more than any of the others. Apparently it’s one up on the others and my GP has said if this doesn’t make any effect she wants me to see a psychiatrist, which I’m not at all keen on. I’m back seeing a psychologist, CBT again, which isn’t easy and isn’t pleasant and I’m not really sure it’s helping much. I had started self- harming again, but haven’t in about 6 weeks or so, or at least not in my mind: I have been using a razor blade to scrape off rough skin on my heels (the joys of sandal wearing) and occasionally nicked myself: is it harm? One thing that has been happening though, and I haven’t mentioned it to either my GP or the psychologist and not sure whether to, is that ideas of how I would commit suicide keep popping into my head. I would not attempt suicide but I just have to read about something, or see the number of pills I have in pill drawer for me to think of it.

On other news, my new flat is finally ready and I’m living in it. Mum and dad were great and another friend of the family’s and cleaned and painted it while I did silly little things and fed them as well. But I officially moved in yesterday. I’ll post some photos as soon as I get round to taking some. I’m living alone: my former flatmate has moved in with her dickhead of a boyfriend. When she came back from her holiday she stayed in the flat once and I had to email her to tell her I was giving in notice on the rented flat. She said she would think about things and let me know after the weekend what she had decided. After the weekend she got back to me and asked could she move in with me until the end of the year: 4 months. I said no it didn’t suit me. I didn’t want to squash all my stuff into one room for any longer. So she’s with dickhead. She had to dump a load of stuff when she moved out because he didn’t want her crap. I’m hurt and upset over it, she has never seen my new place and as it’s 2 doors down from where we rented there’s no reason other than she’s not interested. She moved some stuff out when I was in my new place and she knew where I was but she still texted from her car to say she was heading on instead of coming and telling me. So I have hardly seen her. I don’t know what to say to her any more or anything that we have in common.

Work has been work: new people started. One guy seems like a pain in the arse: super confident and everything that I’m not. Far less teaching experience than I have and he already wants to know how he can shorten his probationary period. And he’s only teaching on postgrad stuff. Another of the new people is on a 2 year fixed term post and only has 18 hours teaching over the whole year: I just don’t get that: surely fixed term people should have more teaching as they may not be here when it comes to research exercises and therefore they should be relieving people of teaching. I’m now head of a year so I deal with a group of students problems: sick notes, extensions and so on. Initially I didn’t mind but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get: Me and another girl were chosen to do this when still in our probationary periods because we’re the ones who have performed best of the crowd that started last year. Fine: except our pay stays the same (she’s on more than me as she’s been a lecturer somewhere else for 2 years) and the others we started with have no such duties (remember at least one of them can’t speak English).

I’ve also to do a teaching course: governmental requirement. It’s a week long from the 14th Sept. I chose that week as the first week it runs I’m at a conference for 2 of the days so thought I shouldn’t miss 2 days of it. The guy who can’t speak English is going to the same conference as me but has signed up for the earlier session: where the hell is management to put their foot down, insist he take English classes and attend all of a course? I have to try and not think about all of this because it only makes me angry, which only makes me think and do silly things which depresses me further.

I’ve been given all the student notes from previous years for the year head role. I’ve read through them and now I’m a bit worried about the post. So many of them seem to be depressed or anxious and as a result not able to hand in work or sit exams. Part of me thinks that I can empathise with them, the other part of me just gets depressed and anxious reading about all of it (one girl took an overdose) and makes me think of dark things. Then another part of me thinks I’m managing (sort of), I’m not getting any special dispensation for my depression or self harm, life’s shit, get used to it. I sometimes think that I shouldn’t be doing the post, that it’s too close to the bone for me and if people in charge knew about me they wouldn’t let me do it. But they don’t know about me so I’m doing it and will have to live with any consequences.

My new place is lovely, I’m delighted with it, it’s home and it’s all mine. I’ll take photos tomorrow and post. I’ll also post more often: I may need the support of my online mates in the coming year. It’s not coming from anywhere else.