Well, the first week is over, the second about to begin. It was strange and I'm very glad that the week is over. I'm hoping to go in tomorrow and maybe actually get some work done on a review article I'm trying to write before the end of September.
I found the constant socialising with people to be quite difficult. By nature I am a bit of a loner and don't find making small talk that easy. It's actually completely stressful for me as my mind works overtime trying to think of the next thing to say so that the conversation flows, which of course means that it doesn't flow at all. So I'm having to fight a constant desire to run from the room to the safety of my own office where I can be alone. That always makes me feel so crap especially when I see everyone else chatting away and looking as if they have always belonged.
I've also stayed on the antidepressants for the time being. My GP said I would know when the time was right to stop them. She was delighted to see me walking so well and without my crutch: it's the first time she's ever seen me without it! It's strange though, I know the hip replacement was definitely the right thing to do, but every now again sheer panic hits me as I think of what I've done at my age and how's there's no going back to it. I've had a panic attack in the middle of the night because of it and only calmed down by practicing the deep breathing techniques from the CBT. I had started a diary when tlhe CBT ended but this blog seems to have taken over from it!
The one thing I didn't admit to my GP was the fact that I can't get thoughts of cutting myself out of my mind right now. So far I haven't acted on them and hope I won't ever again but because I never confided in anyone other than her and my therapist it means that I can't go to a friend and talk to them through it. I just never knew how to tell my friends and how to admit that I was having a bad time of it.
1 comment:
It has to be a very special friend to whom you confide that sort of information. You have to be sure that they won't judge you, and that they are willing to give you the kind of support that you need at difficult times. If you are having real problems with thoughts of self-harm then you should tell your GP.
Looking on the brighter side of things, you have made it through your first week without too much trouble, so it can only get easier as your find your feet and gain in confidence. Keep it up.
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