Bad times

It's been a long time since the last blog post. Things have been up and down the last couple of weeks, more down than up if yesterday's events were anything to go by.

I don't know what started it all exactly. Teaching went OK: too many turned up so the room was bunged and someone asked could they transfer int my tutorial group but that's not my decision to make so I had to refer her to the module co-ordinator. I had taught her before so I can't help wondering if she wants to transfer because of me (it does happen!) but I don't good think I'm enough for anyone to change for that reason.

I then had an appointment with my GP in the afternoon: she asked if I had tried easing off on the anti-depressants but I haven't. I'm scared to stop them given the thoughts I have of self-harming and how up and down my moods have been. I also had to get a slip signed for my gym saying that I could exercise (the same gym that I've belonged to for the last 4 years) which she did just saying on it that I should be careful because of the hip replacement. She thinks my gait is marvellous and you couldn't tell that I've had the op, which is great but is going to check and see if I can take up boxercise. At the end of the appointment I plucked up the courage to tell her about my thoughts of self-harming. She was pleased that I had told her and saw that as a positive sign, asked me if I wanted to go back and see the psychologist. But I'm reluctant to do that. She did give me advice like distracting myself when I feel like self harming so I don't actually do anything, or use a red pen to mark where I would cut myself. It all makes sense but it's as if there's a barrier between me hearing this advice and using it.

I thought having told someone out loud may have helped dispel the thoughts but I went home and used a razor to cut myself.