R.A.E results were released. We did well. So lots of smug faces, pats on the back and champagne: while people were dying from lack of clean water. So now we get lots more funding to carry out more research that will be read by a very small minority of people. It really does make me wonder why I'm in this business.
Christmas lunch was today: I won't be going back next year. When the school is altogether I do not feel a member of it at all. I feel like an observer. I look around and I have nothing in common with the majority of the people and don't even really want to get to know them. I'm not unhappy there but I'm not sure that's a good way to be. I just get so tired of so much shit in the place and people thinking it's great and the double standards and the 'in crowd' and the fact that I don't feel particularly welcome by the majority of people: I don't feel as if anyone has got to know me, asked about me or made any real effort with me. But then again I don't believe I'm good enough to be there (not that I think the school is as good as the results seem to imply), I think I'm a fraud and not worthwhile enough to be bothered with.
I've also been thinking about the CBT; with my mood plummeting and the urge to cut myself stronger than ever I think I am going to go back to my GP in January and talk to her properly about it. I feel as if my life has changed but that it's stayed in the same place. I know that doesn't make sense and I'm not sure how to make sense of it but my hip has been replaced and the pain is largely gone, I can lead a different life. Yet nothing has changed. I still get upset over the hip, I still think about the operation and get scared as to what will happen in the future and I am so angry and upset that it had to happen to me.
1 comment:
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It's a bad time of year this.
I read some research (goodness only knows where or what!) about how life can actually be more difficult and frightening after a disability is successfully 'cured'. I can understand that as if I were suddenly to be 'normal' now in my early 30's, having had my career destroyed by disability etc I just don't know what I'd do. For me that isn't a concern, but I can well imagine just how bewildering everything would seem.
I doubt you can see it now, but you've achieved so much, so well and in such a short space of time you really should be incredibly proud of yourself.
Hope you have a decent christmas break. hugs BG x
PS the smoking thing makes alot of sense to me. Sure it's harmful, but I'd think its psychologically far better to smoke than to cut?
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