Well the conference is over as is my short break and I'm back in my office as if I haven't been away at all. The conference was OK, paper went OK, no real feedback on it but then I never expected any. I'm not a conference person, I tend not to be able to speak to people nor am I really that interested in talking law all the time.
My holiday was lovely, it was only a short break but I did feel revived after the summer, it was just a pity it wasn't for longer. Now I'm back and have my teaching course this week and am going home in a few minutes to write a short lecture to give tomorrow and be video-taped. Sigh. The course is crap, no other word can be used to describe it, a complete waste of time at this time of year when I have so much other stuff to be getting on with. (Un)fortunately I missed part of this afternoon as I had a GP's appointment (more of in a minute) and tomorrow am back with the psychologist after a 3 week break as she was away and I was away then. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting in my capacity as head of year so miss part of the morning session as well. Then at lunchtime today I got a call from my rheumatologist's secretary saying there was a cancellation and could I come and get my joints injected on Thursday so I miss Thursday pm and Friday due to having to rest! All a bit mad. I've no idea whether he will still inject my joints, they haven't been as bad recently, or else I'm getting used to it. But if he doesn't inject them then I don't know where I stand about the methotrexate. Part of me feels that if they're OK leave them alone, the other part of me is sick of the constant flare ups. Anyway, Thursday will tell.
Today I told my GP about thinking about ways of committing suicide but that I wouldn't do it. She wanted to know how I was so sure. I don't know why I'm sure, it's wrong. I'd leave people behind who had no idea that things were bad, there are worse people off than me. The upshot is that I have to go back in 2 weeks and not a month and she said about avoiding situations where I do think of it, alcohol, large amounts of tablets etc. So doubt if I will be given large supplies for a while. The whole head of year thing is still worrying me: I've been going through reams of medical certs and half them seem to be suffering from depression or have taken overdoses or something similar: I just don't know if I can cope with hearing all that for the next year. It's strange: I feel brighter than I have in a long time but my thoughts are darker.
1 comment:
Glad you talked to your GP about your thoughts. I've been there myself so I know what it is like to have the thoughts even though you are convinced that you won't do anything about them. It sounds as though you are going to have a busy week, so take care of yourself.
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