Teaching

I started teaching yesterday, it went OK but I'm not looking forward to this semster's subject as much as last semester. I find the lecturer in charge to be a real control freak. I suppose the two of us clash to an extent.
Last week I found an advertisement on the arc website for lay members of a group that helps decide where arc's research funding. I'm applying for it and I have never wanted to take part in something as much as this. I think it would be extremely interesting, rewarding and a great way to balance my desire to do something medical related, albeit for one year only. I'm actually going to ask my GP would she be willing to write a reference for me if I actually got the post. I thought she would be the person who could best attest to how committed I am to it and how interested I am in general in the area. If she feels she can't write it I'll just use my normal referees.
In other news, my "flatmate" is in Barcelona for a few days with the boyf and his daughter. Apparently his divorce is going to be sorted in March, yeah like I haven't heard something similar for the last 14 months. As for going on holiday with his daughter, I was gobsmacked. She didn't tell me that, I guessed as it is half term and asked her outright. She looked like a rat caught in headlights when I asked. So, I'm alone until Thursday, allegedly, but I don't expect her to bother coming back to the flat until Friday at the earliest.
I'm still struggling with a book review. It's due on the 15th and I just want rid of it. At present I'm trying to scan parts of it rather than read the whole thing!

Why is it...

... that things seem alright and then something happens, not even that important or life changing or threatening a thing, that switches on (or off) something and makes you feel like crap again? I'd had an ok-ish morning, been back to my GP, decided not to change the anti-depressant I'm currently taking, got told off for wearing heels in the snow(!), referred to the psychology department and made another appointment for 3 weeks time. I finally made it into work (if I hadn't had the appointment with my GP I wouldn't have left the flat) I was wet and cold but still feeling OK-ish and managed to send off a few emails: a proposal for a conference paper (to tick a box for my probationary requirements rather than actually wanting to present), my publisher to tell her THE BOOK wouldn't be done for 1 March and I found this and actually laughed out loud: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html.

I then went out to lunch and had a fair enough time. Got back to the office to get a text message from my so-called flat mate telling me she wouldn't be home as she was going back to boyf's place again this evening. I haven't seen her since Tuesday. I had texted yesterday to see if she fancied dinner somewhere as I had just got a copy of a book in which I have a chapter published and thought it would be nice to celebrate. But she was with him again.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's so difficult to put into words but he just seems to have pushed everyone out of her life and she just puts him first. I often wonder what she would think if she read this blog. If she knew (if anyone knew) how I feel and what I'm doing.

It's going to be tough going home tonight and not cutting myself.

GPs

I saw my GP today. I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining how I'm feeling. Because I haven't been sleeping very well she gave me some sleeping tablets to try and get me a proper night's sleep and I'm going back to see her next week to see if some sleep has helped to lift my mood. I didn't tell her that I've cut myself again but I'm going to do that next week: she's referring me back to the psychologist so if I don't tell her they will once I see them.

My appointment with my GP about the self-harming and some sort of counselling is tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or how to explain how I'm feeling to her. It's a problem I have: I cannot open up to people completely. I want to tell her that I don't like myself, that I don't like my life, that I feel like a complete fraud and shouldn't have got the job that I have, that I'm terrified of dying and my parents dying and that I feel completely useless and a failure. I am completely lacking in self confidence and I have no idea how to improve that. I should just give her the link to this page and then I wouldn't have to verbalise any of it.

Thoughts

I was at a course today on how to supervise PhD students (I don't expect to get the chance to do this for many years as I am the only one in my university researching in my area and it's not exactly known in the area, but it's a requirement of my probationary period). It was one of those courses I thought would be terrible but was pleasantly surprised at it. One thing really stuck with me though. Apparently under new disability legislation aimed specifically at educational establishments, if a student tells us they are thinking of self-harming we have to tell someone in order not to be considered negligent should they then self harm. The ins and outs of the legislation is the subject of another course (which I have since signed up for) so the course facilitators weren't sure to whom we had to report this but they thought the occupational health person in the university. It shocked me as it made me think what any colleagues would do if they found out that I self harm. An appointment has been made with my GP to discuss doing something about it.

I cut myself last night. After it I thought "That's it, I'm making an appointment with my GP about counselling or the Beating the Blues therapy online. But now, in the cold light of day, I can't bring myself to make the appointment.

Happy New Year

My first post of 2009! Nothing really to report on any front. Christmas passed fairly well other than a bad cold which I have since kindly passed on to the parents. I ate, drank and slept! A bit like most people in that way though.

I was at a friend's house warming on Saturday night: one of those evenings that I didn't want to go to, which then turned out surprisingly well. The first hour was hell as various members of the law school came in (my friend is a PhD student there so staff present was very surprising!). Then things got better. One of my law colleagues asked me where all the new people went after the Christmas lunch. I said back to the law school. She told me they were all in Bar X and were wondering why we didn't join them. I said we didn't know about it. She apologised and said that she had told Sally, one of the other new people. Now Sally is super confident and makes me feel really inadequate and wonder how I got the job, which is silly of me as she was way down the list of candidates and only got the job because other candidates never took up the job offer. But Sally never told any of the rest of us. I think it was deliberate. Sally seems to have been the one of all the new people who has settled in the most and is invited to the most nights out and things and now it could be that we're all invited but Sally isn't passing on messages? I really can't be bothered with such crap.

Today was meant to be my first day back in the office but when I got back on Sat night my flatmate told me she thought the freezer needed to be made colder. At the time I did nothing about it, but yesterday I made a huge chicken curry and froze three portions for again. Got up this morning, curry still not frozen solid. Looked out the freezer book and discovered that if a red light is on then it's not cold enough. Yes, you've got it, the red light was on. Defrosted the freezer in case that was the problem, threw out a load of food that was thawing nicely. wrapped some in a blanket to try and keep it. Chunks of ice that could have sunk a liner were removed, freezer switched on again, waited a few hours and the light was still on. So phoned the estate agent and a new freezer is being delivered tomorrow (such a shock: no engineer is calling to try and fix it!). In the meantime, my sister and brother in law have been provided with their dinners for the week!