On and on

I made the appointment to see my GP.  It got fairly clear that my mood was getting worse rather than better.  I can't see her until next week as she's on holiday but I wanted to wait rather than try and explain to someone else.  And I was glad I made the appointment last week as this weekend everything hit lower than ever before.  My friend (the one I was bridesmaid for) was staying the weekend with me and we got talking about a lot of things, including the behaviour of The Bully towards me.  He is also a very good friend of hers and had been talking to her a bit about what happened between us in September when the emails passed back and forth between us (I had not mentioned that exchange to her).  She appeared to largely side with him: I had been rude, stepped on his toes in alot of things, he had taken offence etc. etc.  I broke down and cried and told her how he made my life a misery last year and that I hated him for doing that to me.  She sensed that it was more than him and there was something wrong and so, for the first time ever, I told her about the counselling and also the effexor.  She was shocked and it made me realise that I'm not alright and that I need to do something about it.  The thing is I don't know what and I don't know what my GP can do.  I've been to CBT twice, I've been on anti-depressants since October 2005, I'm not sure what else there is I can do and I'm beginning to wonder if it's just the way I am.

A job has been advertised in another university that I'm keen on applying to.  I love the city it's in and know it well, but not sure what to do.  It's at the other end of the country so to speak and I'm a bit uncertain about moving that far away.  I guess I'm a bit of a home bird but it's also because my dad turned 70 the other week and it hit me that my parents are getting older.  I'm not an only child but my brother and sister are both married.  At the same time part of me feels that if I don't apply or if I don't move away soon then I may never do it.  Ultimately I want to settle back in the area where I am because it's home with family and everything.  So, I've a lot on my mind.  Probably not the best time to be making any sort of decision either.