I've not had the greatest of weeks and it just got worse today. At the start of the week an abstract on a conference paper got rejected. The conference is the BIG one in my research area, only held every two years and my abstract got rejected the last time as well. It means my application for funding won't be accepted as you have to be presenting a paper. Which in turn is related to my probationary requirements for my current job.
Today, however, I got an even bigger shock. In my university people are put into units within their departments according to their research interests. I'm in unit X. Strictly speaking I should probably be in unit Y as I don't really fit into X research wise, but truthfully I don't fit into any of the current units in my department, including Y. Not only that, unit X is the only 'proper' legal unit, the rest are areas and odd "buzz word of the moment" units which are not strictly legal. My unit, however, in spite of being the only one which contains proper lawyers and who are all involved in teaching the core legal subjects has no clout whatsoever. We are viewed as peripheral to the department, a unit who largely moans, but our moans are legitimate. OK, I know I would say that, but an example: 300 students in every year, there were 3 members of staff teaching on the core modules, all from my unit. Some of the optional modules have less than 40 students in them and there are 3 members of staff teaching them. It doesn't take a genius to work out which staff have the heaviest marking and feedback load. Yet we all get the same credit for teaching.
Anyway, on with the tale: as a probationary member of staff, I have a 4 person committee within my unit who are to help me through. In January, one of the committee left for one of the other units. I was a bit concerned but I wasn't that friendly with him so recovered. Today, however, the Prof who I am really close to, I confide everything in her, told me she has left the unit as well for the same unit as my other committee member. I was shocked, gobsmacked, gutted, reeling. She could have told me she was retiring and I wouldn't have felt any worse. She said she wanted to be in a unit where the head of it has more clout (the head does) and would be better for her. She advised me to join it as well. I've gone through a range of emotions: upset, buckets of tears shed. Anger: if we hadn't had a module review meeting I would have found out by an email from my unit head saying she'd transferred. Confusion.
I can't leave my current unit, I enjoy the people in it. There's just no one left in it who has any appreciation of my work. Not that there are any in the other units either. In addition, the unit I would transfer to (the one my two committee members are now in) is where the bully is. I've been in 2 meetings with this guy this week and we've been at each other's throats. He is rude, he interrupts me constantly, he talks down to me: I couldn't cope with him being in my unit.
I'm also unclear as to whether the two staff who have departed my unit will still stay on my committee. I think it would be wrong to remove them but who knows?
I've been considering stopping the methotrexate in the hope my joints may swell and I could get signed off sick. That's how bad I'm feeling: I'm willing to risk my health. And the razors are never far from my thoughts either.
1 comment:
Hi! I saw your post on Dr Crippen's comments about wishing you'd done a medical degree but thinking you were too old.
If it helps, I qualify in this, my 36th year. I wasted (or rather was wasted) my teens and early twenties before deciding a proper job was in order. At the time I was loathed to leave my cushy position of fork-lift truck operator but something (my mother and girlfriend) told me it was a bit of a waste of potential...
I did another degree (not even thinking about medicine - that's what clever people did) while training as an 'allied health professional'. Worked for a bit once I'd qualified, but was nagged by the suspicion I could do just as good a job as the doctors with whom I worked closely.
I'd got a good degree, so I applied for some graduate entry medicine courses. These are 4 years as opposed to 5 and I didn't want to do any more than I had to! Most of them told me to bugger off (my A-level results were TERRIBLE!) but one university gave me an interview before offering me a place.
Financially, I sold a flat to pay off a car loan and first year's tuition, accomodation, living expenses etc. From the 2nd year onwards the graduate entry people get a bursary of around £450 pcm and the NHS pays the tuition fees. It'll probably be 2-3 years before I'm earning what I was when I left my proper job. That's not to mention the cost of being off the property ladder (I've been lucky with my timing of that!), the fact my salary would have increased steadily in my old job and the 4 years I'll have been without a proper wage. But you know what? I've had more fun in these 4 years than you would think could be had on so little money! The politics of medical education and the NHS are bullshit, but meeting patients every day has been great. I even know what's wrong with some of them now!
I've taken out maximum student loans (about £2.5k/yr) and a 'career development loan' of £10k from one of the high street banks which I don't have to start paying back for 2yrs after I qualify, but the interest rate stinks and I'll be getting rid of that as soon as possible. I didn't need it, but decided at my time of life an extra £10k over the last 3 years of the course would make life a bit more comfotable!
I'm not the oldest in my year - there is somebody in his 40s doing the 5 year course. I've also met an FY2 in his late 50s who decided one day to give up his comfotable job, study medicine, qualify and then live out his days in Africa providing medical services for free. I was impressed by his conviction.
Excuse my ramblings! I hope I've given you some food for thought.
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