Hate

I don't like my life, I don't like myself and I don't see what other people like in me. I'm a waste of space who is just taking up people's time and not giving anything in return. After speaking to the med students last Monday I have been on a downward spiral and still plummeting. Everything I do is an effort, I get no enjoyment from anything and I don't know if I want company or want to be alone. All I know is that I want to stay in bed and not get up. I don't think anyone would miss me that much, if at all. I got a letter from the Psychology department telling me to ring them if I want to go on their waiting list. I haven't done it yet. I'm just so tired and always seem to be moaning but never really saying anything. I'm not even making any sense to myself any more.

Hurrah!

I got an interview for the arc laymember post. Wednesday 6 May at 1pm in London. So excited, fingers and toes crossed for me everyone!

Early hours

I've been awake since 2am. I went to bed super early as I wanted to get a proper night's sleep, took a couple of tablets and read for a tiny bit (Sophie Kinsella - author of Confessions of a Shopalholic: very light, very funny and easy to read) and then went to sleep immediately. Woke at 2 and been awake since then. Not funny and not nice. I have that heavy head feeling and gritty eyes sensation and I know it's going to be a shit day. I have my personal tutees to see, most of whom have not sent me the material and will not turn up and then a course this afternoon on designing modules.
The more I think about it the more I realise that law students are a bunch of ingrates. For the module I teach on there is a piece of course work to be handed in this Friday. It really could not be any plainer and yet the questions we have been fielding on it: they want their essay written for them. The questions are not even legal but asking the meaning of not very difficult English words (eg catalyst). And these are students who are supposed to be the creme de la creme? I don't think so. we give them no end of feedback and yet our student reviews in the National Students' Survey are pretty bad and the reason for this is that apparently students don't realise they are being given feedback. Hello? There is generally a large FEEDBACK in bold on the piece of paper? And we teach so as to get them to pass their exams rather than instill any learning or understanding in them. I'm not silly enough to think that everything should be about higher thinking but a bit of thought occasionally goes a long way.
As well as all this it's clearly time for "got to get a summer placement" as I've been asked for numerous references. I don't mind giving the reference but sometimes I wonder what a student wants me to write: "He appears well prepared for tutorials but really I can't say for certain as he never opens his mouth." "Exam results are good but I have no idea why he wants to be a barrister as he couldn't argue his way out of a one-sided argument."
I might as well go to work: I may doze off on my desk there

Med students

I talked to the medical students this afternoon. It was excellent, I really enjoyed it and felt more alive than I have done in ages. They examined me as well and fortunately (for them) I have a swollen knee which they were able to look at and feel.
The afternoon did make me realise though that I don't really enjoy my job and that I'm masquerading as a lawyer. I regret so much not doing medicine and wish desperately that I could do it now. My GP even said to me that she thinks I should have some sort of medical related career. So, I left the surgery and went online and have signed up for an Open University course in Molecules, medicine and drugs! I just have to post the registration form (for some reason they wouldn't let me sign up online) and I will do that tomorrow morning. I'm not sure it will do much in the long run but I'm hoping it will help me in the short term.
On other news, I'm back to University city after my week at home: I did relax much more at home and felt a little bit better about things but now that I'm back it's all just the same, exacerbated by the great time I had this afternoon.
I cut myself last night, know idea why or what made me do it but I did. God knows what I'll do tonight.