I initially started another blog but that failed miserably. Instead, this is going to be a diary of my first job as a lecturer in a UK university while wishing I had done medicine and was a fully fledged doctor rather than a PhD one. Expect some angst, hair pulling and musings of what should have been as well as what is.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
My appointment with my GP about the self-harming and some sort of counselling is tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or how to explain how I'm feeling to her. It's a problem I have: I cannot open up to people completely. I want to tell her that I don't like myself, that I don't like my life, that I feel like a complete fraud and shouldn't have got the job that I have, that I'm terrified of dying and my parents dying and that I feel completely useless and a failure. I am completely lacking in self confidence and I have no idea how to improve that. I should just give her the link to this page and then I wouldn't have to verbalise any of it.
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If you really think that you won't be able to talk to your GP, then print off a few of the things that you have written here to show her. I find it difficult to talk to people too, but I know that if I am not completely honest about how I am feeling and the thoughts that I have when I am talking to my GP and psychiatrist/psychotherapist then I am never going to get the help and support that I need. It may be difficult, but you have to make that effort.
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