I don't know what to do. I was back with my GP getting repeat prescriptions and she asked me again about CBT. Apparently there is a new online programme called Beat the Blues which she can refer me to that I will do by myself or else go back to the psychologist in the flesh. I'm a bit reluctant to do either right now and yet part of me does realise that I do need to start tackling how I'm feeling before I sink further. I have cut myself again and in an attempt to stop myself I'm contemplating starting smoking again, which, even to my irrational way of thinking, seems bloody stupid. I suppose I should see how Christmas goes and maybe bite the bullet then: a new year, a time to become a new me?
On other things, I've finished teaching: I rescheduled this week's tutorials for last week so that both me and the student would finish the module up early. The students didn't mind as they have two pieces of coursework due at the end of the week. My research group also had a Christmas lunch last week which was really nice. And then we have the school lunch this Friday.
This week is actually a huge week in universities: the RAE results come out. The RAE is the Research Assessment Exercise and it's run every so many years and essentially it assesses the research outputs of every department in every university. The results determine how much money each university will get from the government. I think people are running round thinking about this but to be honest, and terrible as this may sound, I couldn't care less what my department scores. I wasn't part of the RAE because I only started in September so my work isn't being judged. And, to be really honest, and to utter something that would probably get me sacked(!), I'm not convinced any research should take place other than medically-related research. I look at my own work, which is purely doctrinal and I think what use is that to anyone. It won't save lives, it won't change the lives of anyone and it won't be read by very many people other than a handful of other equally useless researchers.
2 comments:
Any therapy is difficult but in the end worth doing because it does help you to break the habit of falling into periods of depression at the hint of anything difficult. Anything that can help to stop you from self-harming has to be worth trying.
On a slightly different tack, congratulations on getting through your first term. All of those new things that you have done must make you feel proud of yourself, and you should give yourself a special treat for Christmas as a reward.
Take care.
We all did the Beat The Blues programme as part of our mental health block. We found some of it helpful, but some of it a bit touchy feely. They made it clear that it is not as good as having proper CBT but it's free and so to be tried!
Hope you feel better soon
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