Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Crying on the inside

I found out on Friday that a publisher has accepted my book proposal - I am converting my PhD thesis into a book. The completed manuscript is to be with them for the 1 March 2009. It will be tight but hopefully my teaching load at university won't be too bad. I also got another chapter accepted for publication in an edited volume. And a book arrived that I agreed to review for a journal. So it's all go. Yet, why do I feel so absolutely useless inside as if the publisher will realise that my work is shit and that it won't sell any copies (not that it will ever be a bestseller!). I am just so insecure about it all. Not helped by the fact that my former PhD supervisor's other PhD student is super confident and a real whiz kid with numerous publications already while I've always been the slower, dumber bumbling one. She got offered the first 2 jobs she interviewed for, it took me 50 applications before getting a job. Then I saw the list of the new people starting at the university with me and it included one girl who was unsuccessful but was clearly a reserve candidate as she is now on the list. I was told I was extremely high on the list of first choice candidates but I just feel now that they will suddenly realise that the other girl is much better than me and will get so much more help and support and go further than me.

1 comment:

madsadgirl said...

I've just found your blog in a rather round about way (which is going to be the subject of my next post and in which you will get a mention) and I would like to encourage you to continue with your blogging.

We have lots of medical blogs to read, but I am sure that you can provide us with a thoughtful, and I am sure at times humorous, blog about the law.

I also suffer from horrendous problems as a result of lacking confidence. No matter how much I tell myself that something is within my capabilities, I suffer a real crisis of confidence whenever I have to go anywhere new, talk to people that I don't know, and even such stupid things as going to see my GP. I am sure that you will get better as you settle into your new job, and I am sure that your book will be fine, after all the publishers wouldn't have agreed to publish it if they didn't think there was something in if for them.

Adding you to my bloglist today.