Last few days

R.A.E results were released. We did well. So lots of smug faces, pats on the back and champagne: while people were dying from lack of clean water. So now we get lots more funding to carry out more research that will be read by a very small minority of people. It really does make me wonder why I'm in this business.

Christmas lunch was today: I won't be going back next year. When the school is altogether I do not feel a member of it at all. I feel like an observer. I look around and I have nothing in common with the majority of the people and don't even really want to get to know them. I'm not unhappy there but I'm not sure that's a good way to be. I just get so tired of so much shit in the place and people thinking it's great and the double standards and the 'in crowd' and the fact that I don't feel particularly welcome by the majority of people: I don't feel as if anyone has got to know me, asked about me or made any real effort with me. But then again I don't believe I'm good enough to be there (not that I think the school is as good as the results seem to imply), I think I'm a fraud and not worthwhile enough to be bothered with.

I've also been thinking about the CBT; with my mood plummeting and the urge to cut myself stronger than ever I think I am going to go back to my GP in January and talk to her properly about it. I feel as if my life has changed but that it's stayed in the same place. I know that doesn't make sense and I'm not sure how to make sense of it but my hip has been replaced and the pain is largely gone, I can lead a different life. Yet nothing has changed. I still get upset over the hip, I still think about the operation and get scared as to what will happen in the future and I am so angry and upset that it had to happen to me.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I was back with my GP getting repeat prescriptions and she asked me again about CBT. Apparently there is a new online programme called Beat the Blues which she can refer me to that I will do by myself or else go back to the psychologist in the flesh. I'm a bit reluctant to do either right now and yet part of me does realise that I do need to start tackling how I'm feeling before I sink further. I have cut myself again and in an attempt to stop myself I'm contemplating starting smoking again, which, even to my irrational way of thinking, seems bloody stupid. I suppose I should see how Christmas goes and maybe bite the bullet then: a new year, a time to become a new me?

On other things, I've finished teaching: I rescheduled this week's tutorials for last week so that both me and the student would finish the module up early. The students didn't mind as they have two pieces of coursework due at the end of the week. My research group also had a Christmas lunch last week which was really nice. And then we have the school lunch this Friday.

This week is actually a huge week in universities: the RAE results come out. The RAE is the Research Assessment Exercise and it's run every so many years and essentially it assesses the research outputs of every department in every university. The results determine how much money each university will get from the government. I think people are running round thinking about this but to be honest, and terrible as this may sound, I couldn't care less what my department scores. I wasn't part of the RAE because I only started in September so my work isn't being judged. And, to be really honest, and to utter something that would probably get me sacked(!), I'm not convinced any research should take place other than medically-related research. I look at my own work, which is purely doctrinal and I think what use is that to anyone. It won't save lives, it won't change the lives of anyone and it won't be read by very many people other than a handful of other equally useless researchers.

Pissed off

I have yet another cold. My immune system must be shot to pieces. That's not what's annoying me though. In a way it's silly, but in September a friend moved in with me after I'd been living alone for over a year. I live in a city centre apartment and the car parking space is £90 extra a month so as she has a car and would take me places I pay £45 towards it. She has a boyfriend though who lives about 20 miles away and she would stay with him quite a lot. It never really bothered me but recently she's been spending more and more time in his company. He would only stay over for one night and she would spend the rest of the time in his place. Since last Thursday they have not been apart for one night. She's off down to his now as she's going to do an hour in the gym. And the gym has only started since I've been going to boxercise. I don't know why she doesn't just move in with him. And yet I don't want her to move in with him. Her parents are completely against the relationship, as am I. He's separated from his wife, is not interested in getting divorced from her and has 2 children, one of whom he didn't tell my friend about until they'd been going out for over a year. And he's 13 years older than her. She has a very uneasy truce with her parents over him (they just don't discuss him) and I think she's on a road to nowhere with him. If she moves in with him then he will never get divorced and her certainly will never marry her. I don't believe that he wants anymore children and I think she's just blinded by him. Quite frankly I couldn't see him far enough. And I'm tired of telling her that and watching her throw her life away on a loser.

On other things, my lectures went well, hurrah. Haven't heard any complaints so far about them and one of my friends (student) from sign language turned up and signed at me at the start and finish of them. I could have killled him, but it was good feedback as well as he was able to tell me that his mates thought I was grand, that I didn't speak too fast and that my handouts were good. All good.

I'm really down and a bit weepy right now. Fell asleep last night thinking about cutting myself and now I'm alone all evening. I'm hoping the fact that I'm tired will kick in and I'll go to bed early and fall asleep without too much sniffling and coughing.