Tomorrow I start my first permanent, full time job. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Resigned I guess. There are 6 of us starting so at least I'm not the only one. There is an induction programme planned as well which is good. I'm still worried that my appointment will end up being a disappointment to the school as a whole and terrified that the research I want/need to get done for Hallowe'en won't happen. The insecurities are still there and while I am trying to practice the CBT that I had at the start of the year it is sometimes very difficult. I haven't cut myself since my hip replacement but it's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. I'm also seeing my GP this week: I've been on anti-depressants for 3 years now. I found the fact that I needed a hip replacement extremely difficult to cope with, combined with the chronic pain and attempting to finish a PhD. My GP suggested I try them and wanted to refer me to a psychologist but I refused the psychologist referral. 9 months later, no change for the better and simply sinking deeper into depression, I allowed her to refer me and changed my anti-depressant. I think I have gradually improved: the psychology appointment came through and I was accepted for a course of CBT and I had my hip replacement which changed my life. Last time I saw my GP she said I would soon be off the anti-depressants but the thought of this terrifies me: I feel safer and more secure on them. It's a bit of a shock to feel like this as I was dead set against taking them in the first place. It's also strange, part of me isn't accepting of the fact that I have been/am depressed and I have told no one about the medication of the CBT. I sometimes wonder if to be "cured" you have to be accepting of the condition.
Anyway, tomorrow is approaching, so I think it's off to bed for me. My clothes are set out, my bag ready and all the documents I need are set out.
3 comments:
Good luck on your first day.
I hope it all went really well today! I read something recently about how it can be more frightening to deal with being healthy after a long period of illness or disability than it is to deal with the condition. If that makes any sense?
Good luck, BG x
BG, that does make sense. It is very odd to leave my flat for the day without my crutch and to be able to use an umbrella and carry a handbag! I think my main problems lie though in dealing with my insecurities and actually feel worthwhile and stop feeling inferior to everyone else as well as stop feeling that I've fluked everything in my life so far, from exam results to getting my first job. And so far that has passed me by.
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