strange mood

I'm in really weird form and I can't put my finger on it. My teaching isn't going well, it's me rather than the students. I can't get up to speed and I can't get the information across to them in a coherent manner. My heart isn't in it really. And my mood has been all over the place. Up and down like a yoyo. I spent Saturday in bed as I couldn't be bothered getting up, Saturday evening in tears and the rest of the time bumbling along.

I've been considering my life and looking into alternative careers including nursing. I'd get funding for it I think but having bought the flat I can't afford to do it for another couple of years. I just want to do something a bit more worthwhile with my life than sit in an ivory tower and write things that will never be read except by a handful of idiots. I mentioned it to one of my probationary committee and she was shocked that I was thinking of doing something like that.

On other things, the thoughts continue unabated. I find myself stepping away from kerbs as fleeting visions go through my mind of stepping in front of cars. I hate being in the razor aisle in supermarkets or pharmacies as I think of cutting myself: they're horrible thoughts as they are so dark and so threatening.

CBT

I'm still attending the psychologist/CBT therapist. We're winding down now, last time there was 2 weeks between sessions and then this time there are 3 weeks. Today's session was quite amusing, well the last 15 minutes were. She asked my advice on something. I've said elsewhere that I'm a year head this year (and for who knows how many years!) and the advice I asked for was related to that. Apparently a student from my uni has been admitted to the local psychiatric ward and my therapist was asking advice in relation to the role of the year head. I should stress that at no point was confidentiality breached. I have no idea if the student is male or female (in this post I'll probably lapse into referring to them as a female!), what department they are studying in or much else about them. I explained my role as year head and said the student should speak to her head ASAP, backed up with medical certs and so forth. Also that there were a number of options available to them including temporary/permanent withdrawal and the time periods re financial issues. However, there appears to be a problem with uni accommodation which is university accommodation. The uni has said that they don't feel uni accommodation is appropriate for the student because the rest of the students go out an awful lot. I couldn't believe that. To me uni accommodation is imperative: it gives first years an opportunity to meet new people and socialise. Even if this student doesn't go out much is it not better for them to be somewhere with others than potentially living in private accommodation with the attendant problems and stresses of that. Fine, the uni could be within their rights to deny uni accommodation if the student attempted to blow the accommodation up but not because the student has a mental health problem. It's discrimination. So I told the therapist that the Disability Office should be contacted, I suggested to consider asking the uni options about a different type of accommodation: perhaps in designated disability adapted rooms where generally there are less people to a kitchen, or even in PG accommodation. I also said to consider options such as a regular check in with the accommodation warden to make they're coping etc. I mentioned the Student Guidance centre and the counselling service there which could be used in conjunction with her psychiatrist once they are released, and also seeing if their department would perhaps try and organise a buddy in a higher year to provide some support if needed.

It felt so odd giving this advice! I'm getting some leaflets from the various services for the therapist to give to the psychiatrist so that they can see what support is available.

On other things, life goes on. Teaching is OK: things are tough this week workwise because tutorials for the other subject I'm teaching on start this week so I'm struggling to keep my head above water with prep for that as well as my own module.

I'm tolerating the methotrexate so far, no real side effects. Felt a bit queasy this morning and now and I'm wondering if it affects your circulation as I've been freezing in bed at night (even with a heavy duvet, warm blanket and another comforter), so I must google that. I also got my flu jab today and my baseline blood test results back from two weeks ago. I've also had my new bloods taken to make sure that the methotrexate isn't slowly killing me! I'll get those back in a couple of weeks when I see my GP.

Next day

I had my first teaching today: it was terrible. I always find the first one is but after yesterday it was even worse. The powerpoint was ridiculously long, the material was complicated and I hadn't read over it properly. If any of them stay in the class it will be a miracle.

I can't stop thinking about my colleague yesterday, I know I should put it behind me but I'm finding it really difficult to. He came into the post room today when I was there (with others) and we both said hello.

I also had my psychologist appointment today. Apparently I have 4 more so it's down to 1 a fortnight now. I'm not sure if it's working or not. I am trying to rationalise my thoughts but it's incredibly difficult in relation to my colleague. I didn't mention it to her, maybe I should have. I did, however, mention the dark thoughts. Not in so many words that I keep having thoughts as to how I might commit suicide, but that the thoughts were dark. My GP didn't mention it yesterday when I saw her but she was busy with the methotrexate.

I took the methotrexate last night: no side effects as yet, not sure if it needs to build up in my system first, but I'm not complaining! The only thing I noticed is that I went to bed at 6.30 for a lie down and woke at 8.20! Normally if I sleep like that during the day I'd wake an awful lot. If it is an effect of the drug I hope that it works at night when I'm meant to be sleeping!

Awful day

Today was the start of the teaching term. I had a load of things to do ranging from gaining access to my module to writiue ng tomorrow's powerpoint for my first lecture. Naturally lots of things got in the way. The main thing was a colleague reducing me to tears by an email. Two students had emailed me at the start of July and mid August to ask for feedback on their exam. I had been their tutor and they knew me best. Both were very apologetic for disturbing me in the summer and both said September would be fine. In July I emailed the module co-ordinator and asked if he wanted to give feedback or would I do it. Much humming and hahing during which he said he was going on holiday, that we shouldn't jump when the students made a request, that he'd already done a load, and I said I wasn't going on holiday and was happy to do it, he snapped if I couldn't manage to forward it on to him. I did so. The girl who asked in August, I went back to module co-ordinator, stated that I was happy to do this and the secretaries had said they would find the paper for me. He informed me I wouldn't be able to as he still had the papers in his office and wouldn't be back till October (on research leave) and to send on the email and he would get back to the student and see her then. I sent the email to him saying that as he was on research leave till January I didn't mind doing it for him. Today I get an email to the student, copied to me, in which he states that even though he is on research leave he will extraordinarily be available for her next week and stated that she should have contacted him directly as only module co-ordinators could give feedback. First I heard of it: he hadn't said it to me at any point before. I checked to see if this was an unwritten rule and it isn't: we should just always check with the co-ordinator about it. As I had done. I replied to the co-ordinator's email stating that I hadn't known he had this rule about only him giving feedback and that I had given it before. I have to say I was furious that he undermined me to the student in the email to her so was quite curt, I suppose. He replied by stating that it was not his rule and that he would appreciate it if I did not interfere in a module on which I was no longer teaching. I burst into tears. I hadn't been interfering, I had been trying to help him out and relieve some of his work. I wrote back (probably a mistake) saying that, and explaining that the students had contacted me as I was their tutor. I also stated that because of his workload and going on research I had been trying to alleviate his workload but that it clearly hadn't been appreciated and I would not annoy him again.

I am furious. I have had bother with this guy's desire to control everything all last year, I deliberately asked not to be teaching the module again because of him and I quite frankly feel that he is a bully and what he has done is tantamount to bullying. His problem with me is that I won't just kowtow to him and that I do challenge him, as I believe I should when warranted as his colleague (he's been there longer than me but isn't actually much senior than me in that we are both lecturers and not senior lecturers). So that put a downer on the rest of the day and it took me to 7 then to finish the powerpoint.

I went to my GP today with my note from my rheumatologist about the methotrextate. Got the script and have taken my first dose. I've been warned about the alcohol again and that it might make me nauseous so here's hoping I make it to my first lecture tomorrow at 9am!

if I thought last week was busy...

it had nothing on this week. Last week was my teaching course: bloody awful isn't it. A pile of mumbo jumbo and ticking of boxes. I missed a couple of sessions due to meetings which were a blessing in disguise. And I had an appointment with my rheumatologist to have me joints injected. They weren't swollen when I saw him and they had settled slightly when I saw him so he decided not to. All my blood tests were clear from the last time as well and so he wasn't going to start me on the methotrexate. Then he asked what I thought and I told him the truth. I said that I was afraid that it would start up again and that the last episode had gone on from March. I also said that when they were swollen it made me depressed and with work I was constantly tired and fed up with it all. So he decided from that that he would start me on the lowest dose. I'm not to get pregnant (fat chance: I need a boyfriend of some sort for that) and alcohol other than a very occasional glass of wine is off the menu. So when I see my GP on Monday I will getting my prescription filled for that.

This week I've met with my first year students, gone to an admin meeting and on Friday have a student progress meeting. In between I'm trying to write exams, finalise the syllabus for my module and try and find out how many will be in my module as well as wondering when the admin issues will be sorted out. The whole system falls into disarray every registration time and still they don't learn from it.

Nose to the grindstone

Well the conference is over as is my short break and I'm back in my office as if I haven't been away at all. The conference was OK, paper went OK, no real feedback on it but then I never expected any. I'm not a conference person, I tend not to be able to speak to people nor am I really that interested in talking law all the time.
My holiday was lovely, it was only a short break but I did feel revived after the summer, it was just a pity it wasn't for longer. Now I'm back and have my teaching course this week and am going home in a few minutes to write a short lecture to give tomorrow and be video-taped. Sigh. The course is crap, no other word can be used to describe it, a complete waste of time at this time of year when I have so much other stuff to be getting on with. (Un)fortunately I missed part of this afternoon as I had a GP's appointment (more of in a minute) and tomorrow am back with the psychologist after a 3 week break as she was away and I was away then. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting in my capacity as head of year so miss part of the morning session as well. Then at lunchtime today I got a call from my rheumatologist's secretary saying there was a cancellation and could I come and get my joints injected on Thursday so I miss Thursday pm and Friday due to having to rest! All a bit mad. I've no idea whether he will still inject my joints, they haven't been as bad recently, or else I'm getting used to it. But if he doesn't inject them then I don't know where I stand about the methotrexate. Part of me feels that if they're OK leave them alone, the other part of me is sick of the constant flare ups. Anyway, Thursday will tell.

Today I told my GP about thinking about ways of committing suicide but that I wouldn't do it. She wanted to know how I was so sure. I don't know why I'm sure, it's wrong. I'd leave people behind who had no idea that things were bad, there are worse people off than me. The upshot is that I have to go back in 2 weeks and not a month and she said about avoiding situations where I do think of it, alcohol, large amounts of tablets etc. So doubt if I will be given large supplies for a while. The whole head of year thing is still worrying me: I've been going through reams of medical certs and half them seem to be suffering from depression or have taken overdoses or something similar: I just don't know if I can cope with hearing all that for the next year. It's strange: I feel brighter than I have in a long time but my thoughts are darker.

New home

As promised, pictures of my new place! I had no idea posting pictures to a blog could be so difficult, this is my 6th attempt!

My bedroom: favourite room in the house: nice and airy and relaxing: all by the book of how to cure insomnia: no tv or music as your bedroom is for sleeping! Such a shame it's not working right now.



Dining room: I love my table and chairs and you can just about make out part of a huge clock that was a present from brother and sis-in-law.

The living room. Suite and coffee table kindly donated from my big bro and sister-in-law!

This is the kitchen. I'm very proud of my racks and utensils!

Note the slight pink theme in the kitchen!

This is the second bedroom: initially the colours were in my bedroom but then I saw ones I liked more. Rather than put the new ones in the second bedroom I swapped the two around.

And that's it! Home sweet home.