I applied for a workshop at a major US university and just got turned down. It does make me think if anything will actually work out for me as regards my research and my career. I don't wish to be world renowned or make truckloads of money: I care too much about the students and teaching to be that, but I would like to get a break every now and again.
Even my book isn't going well. It was supposed to be published on the 15 March but nothing. I was meant to get the final proofs three weeks ago but nothing. I've emailed a number of times and either don't get a reply or get told it will be with me at the end of the week. I was assured last week that the final proofs would be with me tomorrow at the latest, but I'm not holding out for that. I'm just so sick of the whole process right now and will never recommend this publisher to anyone in the future.
I've cut myself a couple of times as well and been feeling foul over the easter break: ill as well as depressed. I'm still not 100% right but at least I've eaten some chocolate.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
On and on
I made the appointment to see my GP. It got fairly clear that my mood was getting worse rather than better. I can't see her until next week as she's on holiday but I wanted to wait rather than try and explain to someone else. And I was glad I made the appointment last week as this weekend everything hit lower than ever before. My friend (the one I was bridesmaid for) was staying the weekend with me and we got talking about a lot of things, including the behaviour of The Bully towards me. He is also a very good friend of hers and had been talking to her a bit about what happened between us in September when the emails passed back and forth between us (I had not mentioned that exchange to her). She appeared to largely side with him: I had been rude, stepped on his toes in alot of things, he had taken offence etc. etc. I broke down and cried and told her how he made my life a misery last year and that I hated him for doing that to me. She sensed that it was more than him and there was something wrong and so, for the first time ever, I told her about the counselling and also the effexor. She was shocked and it made me realise that I'm not alright and that I need to do something about it. The thing is I don't know what and I don't know what my GP can do. I've been to CBT twice, I've been on anti-depressants since October 2005, I'm not sure what else there is I can do and I'm beginning to wonder if it's just the way I am.
A job has been advertised in another university that I'm keen on applying to. I love the city it's in and know it well, but not sure what to do. It's at the other end of the country so to speak and I'm a bit uncertain about moving that far away. I guess I'm a bit of a home bird but it's also because my dad turned 70 the other week and it hit me that my parents are getting older. I'm not an only child but my brother and sister are both married. At the same time part of me feels that if I don't apply or if I don't move away soon then I may never do it. Ultimately I want to settle back in the area where I am because it's home with family and everything. So, I've a lot on my mind. Probably not the best time to be making any sort of decision either.
A job has been advertised in another university that I'm keen on applying to. I love the city it's in and know it well, but not sure what to do. It's at the other end of the country so to speak and I'm a bit uncertain about moving that far away. I guess I'm a bit of a home bird but it's also because my dad turned 70 the other week and it hit me that my parents are getting older. I'm not an only child but my brother and sister are both married. At the same time part of me feels that if I don't apply or if I don't move away soon then I may never do it. Ultimately I want to settle back in the area where I am because it's home with family and everything. So, I've a lot on my mind. Probably not the best time to be making any sort of decision either.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Gutted
I've not had the greatest of weeks and it just got worse today. At the start of the week an abstract on a conference paper got rejected. The conference is the BIG one in my research area, only held every two years and my abstract got rejected the last time as well. It means my application for funding won't be accepted as you have to be presenting a paper. Which in turn is related to my probationary requirements for my current job.
Today, however, I got an even bigger shock. In my university people are put into units within their departments according to their research interests. I'm in unit X. Strictly speaking I should probably be in unit Y as I don't really fit into X research wise, but truthfully I don't fit into any of the current units in my department, including Y. Not only that, unit X is the only 'proper' legal unit, the rest are areas and odd "buzz word of the moment" units which are not strictly legal. My unit, however, in spite of being the only one which contains proper lawyers and who are all involved in teaching the core legal subjects has no clout whatsoever. We are viewed as peripheral to the department, a unit who largely moans, but our moans are legitimate. OK, I know I would say that, but an example: 300 students in every year, there were 3 members of staff teaching on the core modules, all from my unit. Some of the optional modules have less than 40 students in them and there are 3 members of staff teaching them. It doesn't take a genius to work out which staff have the heaviest marking and feedback load. Yet we all get the same credit for teaching.
Anyway, on with the tale: as a probationary member of staff, I have a 4 person committee within my unit who are to help me through. In January, one of the committee left for one of the other units. I was a bit concerned but I wasn't that friendly with him so recovered. Today, however, the Prof who I am really close to, I confide everything in her, told me she has left the unit as well for the same unit as my other committee member. I was shocked, gobsmacked, gutted, reeling. She could have told me she was retiring and I wouldn't have felt any worse. She said she wanted to be in a unit where the head of it has more clout (the head does) and would be better for her. She advised me to join it as well. I've gone through a range of emotions: upset, buckets of tears shed. Anger: if we hadn't had a module review meeting I would have found out by an email from my unit head saying she'd transferred. Confusion.
I can't leave my current unit, I enjoy the people in it. There's just no one left in it who has any appreciation of my work. Not that there are any in the other units either. In addition, the unit I would transfer to (the one my two committee members are now in) is where the bully is. I've been in 2 meetings with this guy this week and we've been at each other's throats. He is rude, he interrupts me constantly, he talks down to me: I couldn't cope with him being in my unit.
I'm also unclear as to whether the two staff who have departed my unit will still stay on my committee. I think it would be wrong to remove them but who knows?
I've been considering stopping the methotrexate in the hope my joints may swell and I could get signed off sick. That's how bad I'm feeling: I'm willing to risk my health. And the razors are never far from my thoughts either.
Today, however, I got an even bigger shock. In my university people are put into units within their departments according to their research interests. I'm in unit X. Strictly speaking I should probably be in unit Y as I don't really fit into X research wise, but truthfully I don't fit into any of the current units in my department, including Y. Not only that, unit X is the only 'proper' legal unit, the rest are areas and odd "buzz word of the moment" units which are not strictly legal. My unit, however, in spite of being the only one which contains proper lawyers and who are all involved in teaching the core legal subjects has no clout whatsoever. We are viewed as peripheral to the department, a unit who largely moans, but our moans are legitimate. OK, I know I would say that, but an example: 300 students in every year, there were 3 members of staff teaching on the core modules, all from my unit. Some of the optional modules have less than 40 students in them and there are 3 members of staff teaching them. It doesn't take a genius to work out which staff have the heaviest marking and feedback load. Yet we all get the same credit for teaching.
Anyway, on with the tale: as a probationary member of staff, I have a 4 person committee within my unit who are to help me through. In January, one of the committee left for one of the other units. I was a bit concerned but I wasn't that friendly with him so recovered. Today, however, the Prof who I am really close to, I confide everything in her, told me she has left the unit as well for the same unit as my other committee member. I was shocked, gobsmacked, gutted, reeling. She could have told me she was retiring and I wouldn't have felt any worse. She said she wanted to be in a unit where the head of it has more clout (the head does) and would be better for her. She advised me to join it as well. I've gone through a range of emotions: upset, buckets of tears shed. Anger: if we hadn't had a module review meeting I would have found out by an email from my unit head saying she'd transferred. Confusion.
I can't leave my current unit, I enjoy the people in it. There's just no one left in it who has any appreciation of my work. Not that there are any in the other units either. In addition, the unit I would transfer to (the one my two committee members are now in) is where the bully is. I've been in 2 meetings with this guy this week and we've been at each other's throats. He is rude, he interrupts me constantly, he talks down to me: I couldn't cope with him being in my unit.
I'm also unclear as to whether the two staff who have departed my unit will still stay on my committee. I think it would be wrong to remove them but who knows?
I've been considering stopping the methotrexate in the hope my joints may swell and I could get signed off sick. That's how bad I'm feeling: I'm willing to risk my health. And the razors are never far from my thoughts either.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Long time
I haven't written in nearly a month, simply because I've been too busy and have been close to tears virtually every evening after work. I made it through my teaching course and all the marking but it was a close shave. I was getting up in the morning feeling worse than I felt when I went to bed. It wasn't helped by the fact that my throat was still bad and I started a cough. I went back to the doctor who said it was clear and then I went back the following week to the nurse for blood tests and she sent me down to the doctor because I looked so bad and told her I felt so awful. It wasn't my usual doctor and I came close to breaking down as I told her I was close to tears most of the time. She gave me decongestants and said to come back if I felt no better. Two weeks later I was back with my own doctor who listened to my chest, gave me an inhaler and said to come back if no better after using it for 2 weeks. I've been using it a week now and I notice the difference after using it; however, I have finally made it back to the pool and I can tell from that that my breathing isn't right. Still another week to go. I also asked my GP when I was there if it would be crazy if I went skiing. I've been before when I was 16 on a school trip but I'd really like to try it again, and before I went skiing I want to do one of the day courses you can do at indoor slopes. She didn't see why not and said she'd check with hubby.
On other things, exam results are out. All my students passed, some of them did very well. Now starts the giving of feedback. I've already sent out the coursework feedback and said that if any of them want feedback on their exam to let me know. I'm seeing 2 so far, one tomorrow and one on Monday.
I'd felt slightly calmer until this week when I've just been inundated with admin and meetings and I'm starting to feel stressed and emotional again. I feel as if I've done far more than my other probationary colleagues, including those who started a year or more before me. I did all I said I would do last year, I've contributed to teaching on core modules, I've introduced one new module and hope to introduce another one next year as well as contributing to a new masters course that looks like starting. Yet that wasn't considered sufficient and I was made head of a year as well meaning I deal with all student problems as well as sit on every committee there is. And they call that light admin. The worst thing is that one colleague who started with me didn't get done what she said she'd do for last October until August and she gets no admin. Another guy doesn't do any marking, gets away with, gets away with being a crap lecturer and he gets no admin because everyone knows he won't do it. It's clearly a case of being punished with admin because you show you can do what you say. I have a meeting with the head of department and my probationary committee at the start of March and if I continue feeling as stressed and down as I do now I will be bringing a lot of this up with them.
On other things, exam results are out. All my students passed, some of them did very well. Now starts the giving of feedback. I've already sent out the coursework feedback and said that if any of them want feedback on their exam to let me know. I'm seeing 2 so far, one tomorrow and one on Monday.
I'd felt slightly calmer until this week when I've just been inundated with admin and meetings and I'm starting to feel stressed and emotional again. I feel as if I've done far more than my other probationary colleagues, including those who started a year or more before me. I did all I said I would do last year, I've contributed to teaching on core modules, I've introduced one new module and hope to introduce another one next year as well as contributing to a new masters course that looks like starting. Yet that wasn't considered sufficient and I was made head of a year as well meaning I deal with all student problems as well as sit on every committee there is. And they call that light admin. The worst thing is that one colleague who started with me didn't get done what she said she'd do for last October until August and she gets no admin. Another guy doesn't do any marking, gets away with, gets away with being a crap lecturer and he gets no admin because everyone knows he won't do it. It's clearly a case of being punished with admin because you show you can do what you say. I have a meeting with the head of department and my probationary committee at the start of March and if I continue feeling as stressed and down as I do now I will be bringing a lot of this up with them.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
This post probably won't make much sense to many of you but I'm going to try.
Contrary to popular belief, universities are not there to teach students, but to research. Most of the funding comes from research and every 6 years or so our research is assessed and money allocated accordingly. So, the emphasis is on research and most of the pressure and stress we have is related to researc pressure and how to balance the teaching with the need to publish publish publish. Really the phrase "publish or perish" is not a joke. In the last 6 months or so I have been thinking of writing a book on a particular topic that I thought was fairly topical and quite interesting. However, I was uncertain about writing it alone given just having finshed the book conversion for my thesis so I thought of an edited collection. Because I'm inexperienced in such matters (how do you get people to write for you, for example?) I asked my former PhD supervisor to edit it with me: his name and experience would be invaluable for me and his name on the book and when asking people to write a piece for it would be great as well. I told him I was willing to do the donkey work (chasing people, editing, dealing with publishers etc) and asked him to think about. I had already spoken briefly to a couple of publishers and both thought it sounded interesting. Anyway, he said he would think about it before Christmas and got back to me then today. He said he would like to be involved as he thought it sounded interesting but was concerned about other work commitments. He then went on to say that he had asked one of his PhD students (a friend of mine) to be involved and help me with the editing. He said he should have asked me first (uh, yes) and apologised for not. Now I know this girl, I've blogged briefly about it her: she's very good, probably a better academic than I ever will be, but she can make me feel so inferior: she got a job before finishing her PhD, she's on at least 5 grand more than me (in another university) and has already a number of publications. I intended asking her to write a chapter for the collection, but I'm not sure I want her name on the cover. It's even worse because I had never mentioned the possibility of a book to her, not out of malice but because it's barely a half baked idea. Now my former supervisor has asked her and I'm not sure what to say. I replied to my former supervisor and said that I was non committal about it and needed to think about it. So I'm in a quandrary. I don't want her taking control of it, but if she's an editor she has as much say as I do. Even worse, she phoned me this morning to see how I was, but I was in a marking meeting and now she's emailed me. I hadn't phoned her back this afternoon as I was busy but now I'm avoiding her as I don't know what to say. I think I'm going to have to be honest and say I need to think about it as I hadn't even anticipated my supervisor saying yes.
On top of all that, I have 160 exam questions to mark, a teaching course all next week, another module to mark the following week and two assignments of my own to write. And people think I do nothing.
Contrary to popular belief, universities are not there to teach students, but to research. Most of the funding comes from research and every 6 years or so our research is assessed and money allocated accordingly. So, the emphasis is on research and most of the pressure and stress we have is related to researc pressure and how to balance the teaching with the need to publish publish publish. Really the phrase "publish or perish" is not a joke. In the last 6 months or so I have been thinking of writing a book on a particular topic that I thought was fairly topical and quite interesting. However, I was uncertain about writing it alone given just having finshed the book conversion for my thesis so I thought of an edited collection. Because I'm inexperienced in such matters (how do you get people to write for you, for example?) I asked my former PhD supervisor to edit it with me: his name and experience would be invaluable for me and his name on the book and when asking people to write a piece for it would be great as well. I told him I was willing to do the donkey work (chasing people, editing, dealing with publishers etc) and asked him to think about. I had already spoken briefly to a couple of publishers and both thought it sounded interesting. Anyway, he said he would think about it before Christmas and got back to me then today. He said he would like to be involved as he thought it sounded interesting but was concerned about other work commitments. He then went on to say that he had asked one of his PhD students (a friend of mine) to be involved and help me with the editing. He said he should have asked me first (uh, yes) and apologised for not. Now I know this girl, I've blogged briefly about it her: she's very good, probably a better academic than I ever will be, but she can make me feel so inferior: she got a job before finishing her PhD, she's on at least 5 grand more than me (in another university) and has already a number of publications. I intended asking her to write a chapter for the collection, but I'm not sure I want her name on the cover. It's even worse because I had never mentioned the possibility of a book to her, not out of malice but because it's barely a half baked idea. Now my former supervisor has asked her and I'm not sure what to say. I replied to my former supervisor and said that I was non committal about it and needed to think about it. So I'm in a quandrary. I don't want her taking control of it, but if she's an editor she has as much say as I do. Even worse, she phoned me this morning to see how I was, but I was in a marking meeting and now she's emailed me. I hadn't phoned her back this afternoon as I was busy but now I'm avoiding her as I don't know what to say. I think I'm going to have to be honest and say I need to think about it as I hadn't even anticipated my supervisor saying yes.
On top of all that, I have 160 exam questions to mark, a teaching course all next week, another module to mark the following week and two assignments of my own to write. And people think I do nothing.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Grotty
Tomorrow is the last day of the antibiotics and I'm not sure they've worked entirely. Over the weekend my glands were very swollen and sore as were my ears and that continued until yesterday. My throat still feels sore when I swallow and my eyes are all gunky and I have this cough as well. I haven't been into work since last Wednesday and today was the first time I've the left the house since then as well. I haven't officially been off sick as I've been marking practice questions at home and responding to the online forum where the students can post questions. I actually wish I had gone off sick officially because then I would have been able to ignore everything, but that would have left the module co-ordinator the only one moderating the forums and marking practice questions as the other lecturer on the course was on annual leave. Instead I got myself worked up over a couple of students; one in particular was nagging to meet me and I ended up having to cancel on them twice. They then bombarded me with questions which is fair enough, but these questions weren't problems with the material, instead they were simply asking "what is the answer". I emailed back answers to 9 questions and stated that they should use the online forum instead. I got an email back asking one last question. I replied and then last night when I got another email asking more or less "what is this section all about", I flipped, cut and pasted the email to the forum, answered it there and emailed student and said it was answered on the forum, not to email me again as I would not be answering private emails as it was unfair on other students. After that the module co-ordiantor contacted me to say the student had also hassled her about my topic and that student appears not to have done the reading. The exam is tomorrow. All was fine until this evening when I discovered more questions from student on discussion forum, which I had already answered by email to student! I nearly burst into tears, which I know is partly to do with still not feeling great as well as not having taken my venlafaxine last night. As it's slow release missing a dose is felt more or less immediately.
So, I'm heading into work tomorrow to collect exams for marking. I'm debating whether I wait until Thursday to phone the doc and say I'm still not feeling right or to do it tomorrow. Guess I should finish the antibiotics and see how tomorrow goes first of all. I'm also worried because work is already piling up: 2 assignments for the PG teaching course are due in mid Feb, next week is full with the teaching course classes, marking in the evenings and monitoring my other class forum for problems. After next week's PG teaching course classes I'm going to have another 2 assignments for May. And after all that teaching will start fairly soon and while mine is light this term, I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up.
So, I'm heading into work tomorrow to collect exams for marking. I'm debating whether I wait until Thursday to phone the doc and say I'm still not feeling right or to do it tomorrow. Guess I should finish the antibiotics and see how tomorrow goes first of all. I'm also worried because work is already piling up: 2 assignments for the PG teaching course are due in mid Feb, next week is full with the teaching course classes, marking in the evenings and monitoring my other class forum for problems. After next week's PG teaching course classes I'm going to have another 2 assignments for May. And after all that teaching will start fairly soon and while mine is light this term, I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
I'm ill
I'm not ill that often other than my usual problems, but this time it's the worst sore throat I have ever had. I had made an appointment with the nurse to get my bloods checked for the methotrexate and I remembered that the booklet that tells me all about the methotrexate says that if you have a sore throat you are to contact your doctor immediately. I told this to the nurse and she arranged for the doctor to see me: not my usual lovely GP but the on call one who was very nice as well. Suffice to say that I now have penicillin and a mouthwash to gargle with instructions to rest and come back if it doesn't improve. So I've taken my first dose and about to watch Doctors on BBC1 before retiring back to bed for a while. I can do some work that needs doing from home: practice questions for the students that need marking and emailed back to them and also monitor the online discussion forum that we use. I had to cancel a meeting with one student who apparently has lots of questions. I'm a bit at a loss as to what these could be as the discussion forum has been used and all students have access to that. Anyway, I told him to email them to me and I'd answer as many as I could by email and see him next Tuesday all being well.
I can't believe it's 2010 already! Within a couple of weeks work will start on the timetable for the next academic year, students will have finished exams and the second semester will have started. I have to start thinking about an external examiner for the new module I want to introduce in September and I have no idea who to get. It's really difficult to think of someone and to know someone when you are a complete novice in the field and only starting out on your career. I'd like to ask my old supervisor but I'm not sure he would do it and I think there are a load of rules governing it. Anyone I did my PhD with are also not experienced enough:(
I can't believe it's 2010 already! Within a couple of weeks work will start on the timetable for the next academic year, students will have finished exams and the second semester will have started. I have to start thinking about an external examiner for the new module I want to introduce in September and I have no idea who to get. It's really difficult to think of someone and to know someone when you are a complete novice in the field and only starting out on your career. I'd like to ask my old supervisor but I'm not sure he would do it and I think there are a load of rules governing it. Anyone I did my PhD with are also not experienced enough:(
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