Completely alone

I've just had a phone call from my publisher: they've gone into liquidation but another company has taken them over and is honouring all the contracts. But now I'm worried: I can't find any info on the new publisher on the internet and have no idea what they publish or the standard. I'm wondering if I should consider refusing the new contract and trying elsewhere, but then in credit crunch time should I just thank my stars I have this (after all I'm not going to make a fortune from it). I have nobody to ask and I was so shocked to hear it that I never asked her more questions and don't have a phone number. I could cry. I probably will cry.

Not right

I'm not right. I'm in tears over the nature programme "Nature's Great Events" at the polar bears whose lives are at risk as a result of global warming. This sort of thing doesn't normally upset me this much but I burst into tears and sobbed tonight. I'm about to have a bite to eat and then go to bed but I'd love to go to bed and just stay there. The sleeping tablets are helping me sleep but tend to knock me out for the morning as well. I can lie in bed quite happily and doze to my heart's content. My GP is happy for me to take them while we try and get my sleep back on track but part of me wants to go to sleep and stay asleep.

Teaching

I started teaching yesterday, it went OK but I'm not looking forward to this semster's subject as much as last semester. I find the lecturer in charge to be a real control freak. I suppose the two of us clash to an extent.
Last week I found an advertisement on the arc website for lay members of a group that helps decide where arc's research funding. I'm applying for it and I have never wanted to take part in something as much as this. I think it would be extremely interesting, rewarding and a great way to balance my desire to do something medical related, albeit for one year only. I'm actually going to ask my GP would she be willing to write a reference for me if I actually got the post. I thought she would be the person who could best attest to how committed I am to it and how interested I am in general in the area. If she feels she can't write it I'll just use my normal referees.
In other news, my "flatmate" is in Barcelona for a few days with the boyf and his daughter. Apparently his divorce is going to be sorted in March, yeah like I haven't heard something similar for the last 14 months. As for going on holiday with his daughter, I was gobsmacked. She didn't tell me that, I guessed as it is half term and asked her outright. She looked like a rat caught in headlights when I asked. So, I'm alone until Thursday, allegedly, but I don't expect her to bother coming back to the flat until Friday at the earliest.
I'm still struggling with a book review. It's due on the 15th and I just want rid of it. At present I'm trying to scan parts of it rather than read the whole thing!

Why is it...

... that things seem alright and then something happens, not even that important or life changing or threatening a thing, that switches on (or off) something and makes you feel like crap again? I'd had an ok-ish morning, been back to my GP, decided not to change the anti-depressant I'm currently taking, got told off for wearing heels in the snow(!), referred to the psychology department and made another appointment for 3 weeks time. I finally made it into work (if I hadn't had the appointment with my GP I wouldn't have left the flat) I was wet and cold but still feeling OK-ish and managed to send off a few emails: a proposal for a conference paper (to tick a box for my probationary requirements rather than actually wanting to present), my publisher to tell her THE BOOK wouldn't be done for 1 March and I found this and actually laughed out loud: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html.

I then went out to lunch and had a fair enough time. Got back to the office to get a text message from my so-called flat mate telling me she wouldn't be home as she was going back to boyf's place again this evening. I haven't seen her since Tuesday. I had texted yesterday to see if she fancied dinner somewhere as I had just got a copy of a book in which I have a chapter published and thought it would be nice to celebrate. But she was with him again.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's so difficult to put into words but he just seems to have pushed everyone out of her life and she just puts him first. I often wonder what she would think if she read this blog. If she knew (if anyone knew) how I feel and what I'm doing.

It's going to be tough going home tonight and not cutting myself.

GPs

I saw my GP today. I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining how I'm feeling. Because I haven't been sleeping very well she gave me some sleeping tablets to try and get me a proper night's sleep and I'm going back to see her next week to see if some sleep has helped to lift my mood. I didn't tell her that I've cut myself again but I'm going to do that next week: she's referring me back to the psychologist so if I don't tell her they will once I see them.

My appointment with my GP about the self-harming and some sort of counselling is tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or how to explain how I'm feeling to her. It's a problem I have: I cannot open up to people completely. I want to tell her that I don't like myself, that I don't like my life, that I feel like a complete fraud and shouldn't have got the job that I have, that I'm terrified of dying and my parents dying and that I feel completely useless and a failure. I am completely lacking in self confidence and I have no idea how to improve that. I should just give her the link to this page and then I wouldn't have to verbalise any of it.

Thoughts

I was at a course today on how to supervise PhD students (I don't expect to get the chance to do this for many years as I am the only one in my university researching in my area and it's not exactly known in the area, but it's a requirement of my probationary period). It was one of those courses I thought would be terrible but was pleasantly surprised at it. One thing really stuck with me though. Apparently under new disability legislation aimed specifically at educational establishments, if a student tells us they are thinking of self-harming we have to tell someone in order not to be considered negligent should they then self harm. The ins and outs of the legislation is the subject of another course (which I have since signed up for) so the course facilitators weren't sure to whom we had to report this but they thought the occupational health person in the university. It shocked me as it made me think what any colleagues would do if they found out that I self harm. An appointment has been made with my GP to discuss doing something about it.