Random Musings from a Wannabe

What do you do, who do you turn to?

2010-11-13T05:35:00.001Z

Having had a weigh in and lost no weight I started a downward spiral. I've drunk a lot of wine, I've not slept, I'm thinking if cutting myself and I don't know who to turn to. I came down if the initial high of seeing dd and all the gym stuff but I seem to have plummeted big time. I don't know who to talk to, who to see, who to confide in or who to attempt to tell how I'm feeling. I don't think I even know how I'm feeling myself right now. The urge to cut is so strong yet I know it's so wrong and would be taking a step back but the difference in my mood between a fortnight ago and now has scared me more than anything. I was doing so well I was prepared to come off the venlafaxine but now I just don't know. The sheer high from dd almost seems like mania compared to how I feel now. In 2 hours time I'm meant to be doing a fast walk but I don't know how as I've do many prescription drugs flowing through me! I'm feeling really desperate.

The Shame - Part1

2010-10-31T18:55:00.000Z

One of the things DD banned me from last week was alcohol: he also showed me the weight loss record of another client from July 2010. Banning alcohol doesn't really have that much effect on me because as methotrexate is toxic to organs, I'm not meant to drink at all, or certainly only small amounts occasionally. And the majority of the time I don't drink.

On Friday my research group went out for an Indian. We met in a pub beforehand and I was excellent, only having a sparkling water and lime. Journied on to the Indian where I ordered lamb garlic chilli and boiled rice (breaking red meat ban and carbs ban) and tucked into poppadums. I accepted one glass of wine. I was telling one of my colleagues about the diet sheet a personal trainer had given me (not mentioning that he was my personal trainer) and explaining 5 small meals a day, no carbs etc. I went on to say how he was built like a tank and drop dead gorgeous. Conversation continued on until someone got up from the table directly opposite me and I heard this voice: "Alhi, well hello!" Gulp, it was DD. I glanced at wine glass and looking like a rabbit caught in headlights said Hello as silence fell around my table and everyone stared at him. He said "I hope you have a packed lunch with you!" At which stage I mouthed "F*** off" and he disappeared to the toilet. I was mortified and could feel the colour rushing to my face. However, worse was to come.

Chastised

2010-10-27T19:50:00.000+01:00

And so, to prove that this blog will share the good and bad of the personal training and weight loss programme, I was seriously told off at today's session by DD. I lost no weight. He started by saying that he wasn't just about training that it was about major lifestyle changes. He even told me to look at him when he was talking as I was looking at the ground. I felt like a recalcitrant school girl who had been caught smoking or drinking on school grounds. He said that in the first six weeks the weight should be dropping off me. So, he's set a weight loss target of 4lb between today and next Tuesday. GULP. And if I thought he was mad today I'll see 4 times worse next week if I haven't lost the weight. And then the session started. It was back to the legs and it was longer and tougher than the first time. He did, however, admit that I was extremely strong and a lot fitter than he had thought and it was the swimming.

I have one day off between now and seeing him next Tuesday. On Saturday. But I'm going to have to swap the Sunday stuff for Sunday as I'm at home for my mum's birthday. And a strict diet between now and Tuesday. I'm exhausted. I was hoping for tomorrow as a rest day and I was going to rest and not even go for a swim.

Life

2010-10-21T21:41:00.000+01:00

And so, today it was the stomach and arms. First though it was the weigh in - I lost 2lb! I couldn't believe it: since the first weigh in I have eaten 4 cupcakes, 2 caramel squares and a caramel muffin: not good: far more than I normally eat of sweet stuff. So clearly the FBD is working. As of tomorrow though, it's working on the diet and exercise. DD gave me his diet sheet: I would definitely lose weight following it: 5 small meals a day with some of the meals comprising nuts, seeds, yoghurts: not stuff that I can like and actually stuff that makes me want to puke. So I'm going to essentially be cutting out the crap and eating sensibly. I'm to lose another 2lb by next Wednesday but I'd love to lose more. Tomorrow is rest day so I'm going to have a swim instead. Unfortunately I have to go Saturday and Sunday though:(

As for the stomach and arms, it was fairly tough. I made the mistake of saying that only my thighs were sore after last week and I could manage everything and then said I have a high pain threshold - well after having hip pain for so long, various other joints aching on a regular basis and a hip replacement, if I couldn't tolerate pain then I'd be pretty pathetic! Anyway, I think it is now his mission to make me feel serious pain (from my muscles being used!). I can feel my shoulders have been used but that's it. I love the weights work, could do without the treadmill. Sometimes though, I think that my arms bulk up fairly quickly, but I'm sure DD won't have me looking like a sumo wrestler.

He could only take me next Wednesday at 11.30 so I'm being naughty and cancelling my blood tests and asthma review. I'll make them for again though once I look at my diary and schedule in my appointments with DD. They're more important right now!

On other stuff, things continue as normal. Work is rubbish, the cuts are hitting higher education and we were told yesterday that the biggest expenditure in our department is salaries. So with the end of probation approaching I'm not holding out many hopes for actually being confirmed and progressing on. I also didn't get shortlisted for a job somewhere else that a friend did get shortlisted for, who hasn't yet got their PhD. I've asked for feedback but got some rubbish back so I asked for more, but no reply yet. I'm not letting it go and I told them I knew someone without a PhD had been shortlisted. It just really annoyed and upset me. I think it's lucky that I have DD and the gym to get rid of my frustration otherwise I'd be using other more harmful ways.

Jinx

2010-10-18T21:13:00.000+01:00

Following on from Saturday's FBD and the disaster with the treadmill being in mph and not kph I went to my own gym today to do the FBD (and tomorrow and Wednesday). I'm meant to do 30 mins leading to 3km of varying inclines and distances. I followed DD's notes to the letter ... and ended up with 33 mins and 2.94km. I have no idea where I'm going wrong. I also skipped the stretches again. I know, I know, it's bad of me, but I hate doing them. I'll try and do most of them before bed tonight to make up for it. I think the FBD got slightly easier today from when I first did it: I could only manage 20 lengths after the first time but managed 40 lengths today. On the other hand that could be because I didn't do the stretches. Sigh.

I don't know if I mentioned I have a new admin role in my dpeartment. It's running a new personal tutor scheme essentially, but as all other schemes have slowly petered out (actually fairly quickly) it was a role that no one else would want. Anyway, so far it seems to be going ok (it involved designing a new framework) and tonight I got an email from a member staff saying I was doing a great job. It really is things like that that make all the difference.

Wish me luck for tomorrow's FBD and hopefully it will be 30mins this time!

Round 2

2010-10-17T21:00:00.000+01:00

So, round 2 with dishy Dave (DD) was on Friday. Hurting slightly more after that one. It was time to work on bum, thighs and shoulders. Apparently I am strong as well as flexible. Strange the things you learn:)

It was all about lunges and step-ups onto benches. I actually thought I couldn't do lunges or step ups but he has a rope type thing that helps stablise you. I still felt pretty unsafe doing the step ups! He warned me I would be sore on the Saturday but I was nowhere near as bad as I expected to be. My thighs were, and still are, the most painful, but my bum and shoulders are fine (must be the swimming). I had 'homework' to do yesterday: the dreaded treadmill workout. I was at home at my parents so had to go to the public gym there (actually state of the art). It was hilarious: first off, the treadmill was programmed to miles so I was working out the equivalent of 6km/hour in miles/hour and so on, for 30 mins! I walked for 1.8 miles which I think is equivalent to 3km? It was only when I finished did I work out you could change the programming to km/hour! Talk about feeling foolish. I will admit to not doing the stretches: I was slightly worried that if I lay down on the mat that I wouldn't be able to get up again!

Today then was rest day and then the next 3 days is the treadmill routine until I see him on Thursday. Treadmill routine is known as fat burning day (FBD). I have no idea if it's working as I've eaten like a pig for the last few days so not sure if I will meet my target of 3lb off by Thursday. Will keep plugging away though.

On Friday when I arrived home to do a quick clean before heading to the parental home. I had a leak in my en suite from the flat above. I had had a minor dripping leak when the shower was on in the flat above a few weeks ago but I reported it to the management company and it was fixed, or so I thought. It turns out that the owner of the flat refused to allow the janitor to fix the leak saying he would do it himself. Well, it's backfired on him as now there's a hole in my ceiling which will need fixed and he's going to be billed for it. As I put in a new en suite last year I want it back to looking perfect.

Found!

2010-10-14T08:13:00.001+01:00

One painful set of abdominal muscles. Reward for anyone who can remove them.

First session

2010-10-13T22:34:00.000+01:00

OMG that was tough. I was sweating before I even started out of nerves alone! And then the stretches(!) really killed me. Which is strange because I was actually very flexible (surprisingly). So flexible that I couldn't fell any strecth in my hamstrings no matter what he had me do (before the hip went bad on me I could put my hands flat on the floor without bending my knees). The worst one were the abdominal crunch type things: I have no stomach muscles. The rest of my muscles keep me upright. Once the strecthes were done it was on to the treadmill. Have I ever said how much I hate the treadmill? Well I do. Half an hour on that at an average speed of 6km/h and an incline. I surprised myself on that actually: at one point I did say that I didn't think I could go on but I think he pushed another 15 mins out of me to make it 30 mins in total. I did think at one point that I was going to be sick as I went really cold (with the sweat pouring off me!). When I finally got off the torture machine I was weak and staggering, but I managed to walk to work, which was probably the best thing as it meant I didn't go home and collapse and potentially stiffen up. I made into the pool for 20 lengths after the session, but I normally do 60 if I've been in the gym (or rather my idea of being in the gym!) so that showed how hard I'd been worked.

Unfortunately, I went to the gym with no food for afters so I went into Tesco and bought a sandwich (not bad) and maltesers for tonight and the TV. Argh. Next session is on Friday and I will be prepared with some healthy snack upon finishing.

I weigh 15 stone and he wants me to lose 3lb by this time next week, so encouraging words please!

Tomorrow is my heavy teaching day and my office hours and I've a shed load of stuff to do, so here's hoping I don't wake up as stiff as a board.

There's a measles outbreak where I live and now I'm petrified after chickenpox in the summer that I'll catch it! Must check on t'interweb and see what methotrexate does to it.

Personal trainer

2010-10-06T21:03:00.000+01:00

And so, I met with dishy Dave today. It was just an introductory meeting, what did I want from it, short, medium, longterm goals. So short term goal is to lose weight, medium term is to run a leg of a marathon (if that's wise given the hip) and long term is next September to walk into the department and have people ask who's that! It's going to be hardcore, DD is hardcore, but it's what I want as I want to be slim, fit, healthy, feel more confident, have a higher self-esteem and just feel good about myself. So, I'm in it for the long run (no pun intended). I'm going to be completely broke, especially as I need new trainers and the actual training is going to cost me £35 a go and I'm seeing DD twice each week for the next two weeks. But it WILL be worth it.

I went to the asthma nurse and have to take my peak flow readings morning and evening for the next 3 weeks. It was still 350 today, so lower than the 465 it should be, sounds significantly lower to me. It will be interesting to see what it's like over the next few weeks.

Work is hectic: I have a new admin role running a personal tutor system and I'm not sure how it's working. As usual some members of staff refuse to do it, so our head of education is telling the head of school but I'm not convinced the head will do anything which means that a number of students will not have a personal tutor. And potentially means I'll be taking up the shortfall.

So

2010-10-04T20:56:00.000+01:00

Switzerland was fab, so fab I went back to Geneva for a long weekend over my birthday:) I had a chest infection at the end of August and coughed until I got to Geneva: that's how clean the air is. Everything about the country is amazing: the mountains, the people, the scenery, the watches, the chocolate:) Unfortunately the chocolate was too nice and I did nothing but eat it. Weight is all back and on and more.

The chest infection has left my breathing not quite right - I know because I swim so much and I can't swim as far without having to breathe. I went back to my GP who thinks I may have slight asthma. Unfortunately she had to weigh me to work out what my peak flow should be:( I'm seriously obese - 15 stone. My peak flow should be about 465, it's 350. So I'm back to the asthma nurse on Wednesday for further tests. Then we had a chat about my weight. I did say that I'd been trying to lose it with weightwatchers but my heart hasn't been in it. And I'm starting a personal trainer on Wednesday. She said I could take in a food diary to her if I wanted to but I don't know. I may leave it for a bit. At the same time I wonder if it would be nice to just discuss it with someone. WW doesn't really allow for that.

Unfortunately because of my weight, next time I get my bloods done she wants me to have a diabetes check, cholestorel and thyroid:( I don't want to know my cholesterol levels. I'm thinking I may forget the next time at the end of October and maybe do it at the end of November... then this afternoon I got a phone call from the receptionist saying that next time I get my bloods done I have to get my B12 levels done too - no idea why: it must be something to do with the methotrextate but there's not overly much information on the internet.

Today I've gone cold turkey on the chocolate and sweets. I'm hoping to manage it for a week. Hopefully WW on Thursday night. Weekends are always bad. I want to lose weight so much. My GP is right, it will be better for my joints, my health, my peak flow, my heart, my self-esteem and my confidence. It may even help my depression which is rearing its ugly head right now. I can't get thoughts of razor blades and cutting myself out of my head.

checking in

2010-08-15T11:11:00.000+01:00

It's been over 2 months since I posted so just a quick one to check in with everyone and say that I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth.

Chicken pox was NOT nice at all: I was covered in them. I read somewhere that the average number of spots is 200 but I had 200 on every limb and still have the marks to prove it. I had a ridiculously high temperature for a week or so and didn't budge from my bed for over a week: too weak. I lost a stone (now back on:() as I wasn't eating. At one point I was dehydrated. I went home to my parents and honestly believe that if I hadn't I would definitely had been in hospital, if not dead. I ended up off work for 6 weeks and really could have taken more as I still get exhausted very easily. I'm back at work 3 weeks and have spent every Thursday in bed as I was so tired. I'm off now for 2 weeks holidays, so hopefully they will revive me as I'm off to Switzerland: land of convalesence!

I was back at work all of 2 hours before my blood pressure rose and I felt like screaming. Just the utter discrimination of the place: someone getting proposed for accelerated probation for really no good reason and there's a possibility of me failing it (my probationary committee are saying this) as my teaching and admin are excellent but research may be thought of as lacking by the central university when the time comes. I got upset, but right now, frankly I don't care. Probationary isn't just about me being good enough for the university, it's about the university being good enough for me. So, if, this time next year, I fail then I will be sitting back and considering whether I want to stay in the university.

On other news, my book is finally published! I'm in the middle of posting copies to various people who deserve a free one. Just so relieved to have it out. I haven't even really told anyone in the department as they'll only want to know when the next one will be out rather than congratulating me. And there will be no book launch. Or if there is, the author won't be at it.

I've had a friend staying with me for the last week. I met her on an erasmus year abroad and hadn't seen her in 10 years: exhausted from the sightseeing and feeling slightly guilty that I didn't go out drinking in the evenings and show her the nightlife, but I didn't have the energy. As it stood, I left her up most nights and went to bed!

Chickenpox

2010-06-13T17:48:00.001+01:00

I feel rotten.

Cat II

2010-06-10T18:13:00.002+01:00

He's home! He was trapped in the roofspace of an empty house behind us. So relieved. Going for a nap now as I've scarcely slept since he went missing.

Cat

2010-06-09T10:25:00.001+01:00

And now my cat's gone missing. Say a prayer and cross your fingers that he'll come home.

Last week

2010-06-07T23:12:00.000+01:00

I didn't make it to WW last week and so didn't post my new weight. On Monday my parents went off on a city break arriving at 9pm that night. On Tuesday morning I got a phone call from my cousin's husband saying that her brother (my cousin) had committed suicide. I had to phone mum and dad and tell them. The immediate family were adamant that they weren't to come home so they didn't. The funeral was last week as well so I didn't make it back to university town to go to WW. I doubt I would have lost anything as I've been eating like a pig, and not a good pig.

It's strange the whole thing is preying much more on my mind now than last week. I can't stop thinking about him and what he did. And the thoughts are scaring me. The whole family is devastated, no note and left wondering why, especially as they all saw him in the previous two days and he was laughing and talking about what he was going to do the next day. They wonder was he looking to be found before dying as it was out in the open so to speak. But you can't wonder why, because sometimes there is no why and there just is. And I wish there wasn't.

Sigh

2010-05-27T20:20:00.001+01:00

I put on 2lb. Too grumpy to say any more.

Weight: 14 stone 13lb, weight gain 2lb.

Weight Loss - week 1

2010-05-20T11:18:00.001+01:00

Yo! Lost 1.5lb: ovet the moon as no real change made to diet but have hit the gym again and slowly working it up to 45 mins cardio in gym and then a km swim. Once I've built up some sort of fitness and hopefully lost a few more pounds I hope to pluck up the courage to hire a personal trainer. GULP.

More later, marking to do, but:

Weight 14 ston2 11lb, weight loss 1.5lb:)

Slowly going mental

2010-05-17T16:53:00.000+01:00

You know I like students and I enjoy the contact with them, but this practice exam question marking is driving me up the walls. I've been at it since around noon with a half hour break for lunch (to watch Drs) and I've only managed ten. I want to go to the gym after tea so I at least leave the house today and to attempt to get the old weight lower on Thursday but at this rate I'll only be half way through the 30 I have to mark (managed to do none over the weekend - was exhausted). I told them they would have them back by tonight at the latest but I don't want to be sitting up all night at them. Incidentally the 30 I have to mark does not include the latest 10 I got sent over the weekend! In one way it's great to see time being spent doing this, in another way I'm feeling a bit put upon that the other lecturer on the course has hardly any stuff to mark because he has gone through no questions and has given no indication as to what could be on the exam. I, on the other hand, have gone through past papers. The students are grateful though: it's just a pity that the gratefulness doesn't translate into a few thank you cards that I could show to my probation panel! A couple of boxes of chocs would be cool as well. No! They wouldn't! Devil, get behind me!

Still no word from university in New City: a lesson in doing a bit more prep for an interview. There's always next time round but it would have been so nice to get this job even if I turned it down. Did I mention that my external examiner for my module at my current university was on the panel and he was hot! Very easy on the eye. And so unlike his photo on the website! Definitely more talent there than my current place, sigh.

stressing out.

2010-05-13T21:01:00.000+01:00

I've been absent again because I've been so bloody busy and stressing out. We are coming up to exam period at my university and with it the attendant panicked students. On my desk I currently have 30 past paper questions to mark and give feedback on which will take me all weekend to do.

I had a few days annual leave earlier this week as I go shortlisted for the job in New City and stayed on a couple of days. I haven't heard anything yet so don't think I've got it. Bit disappointed but it may be for the best. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I love the city, I know I would be happy there but the teaching methods in the law school are completely alien to me and I'm not sure I would suit them. Not getting it would mean that I wouldn't have a decision to make and would make my mum happy. She's already asked me if I'm going to just receive the rejection letter now and can barely keep the glee out of her voice.

I found a new blog a while back: someone is blogging their weight loss. So, seeing as I'm not happy with my weight at all and have been trying and failing to lose weight for quite a while now, I'm going to put my weight where my blog is. I'm going to weightwatchers but now, once a week, I'm putting my new (hopefully lower) weight online here so I'm accountable to you lot out there who read this. So, wish me luck, encourage me and send me some virtual chocolate please!

Here goes:

14 stone 12.5lb

STRESSED

2010-04-28T18:10:00.002+01:00

Nothing more to add.

So...

2010-04-20T20:00:00.000+01:00

... I've been rejected from another programme I applied to. Getting used to this really.

I ended up applying for that job in New City. I haven't heard anything yet but decided I would regret it if I didn't apply. It's strange, I would almost prefer not to even get shortlisted so that I didn't have the stress of preparing for an interview, possibly getting the job and then trying to make a decision as to what to do. It's not even that everything is going brilliantly at work now: I'm not getting to teach a new module because no new modules are running next year apparently. This is in spite of the fact that the module was approved to run last year and that it would potentially encourage students to do a new PG programme that is starting. I've also got a new admin post that I was asked to apply for: it's a huge role and will look great on my CV but I'm a bit worried that it will take up too much time.

I think one of the reasons I'm a bit wary about a new job in New City is that I'll leaving my support network behind. I don't mean that I have loads of friends who I confide in, but my family is near if I'm having a really bad time and need out, my GP is great and I have a couple of colleagues who are very supportive. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm feeling better than I was: not as sick anyway. I lost over half a stone over Easter as a reuslt of whatever it was I had. Still not 100% as my appetite isn't properly back yet (wouldn't mind if it stayed away for another stone's worth and took my sweet tooth with it forever). I went to the doctor about it as I was worried it was the methotrexate causing it, but she doesn't think so. If it interferes with my work I'm to phone and get a script for anti-sickness tablets. I'd rather be signed off sick!

Another disappointment

2010-04-08T22:29:00.000+01:00

I applied for a workshop at a major US university and just got turned down. It does make me think if anything will actually work out for me as regards my research and my career. I don't wish to be world renowned or make truckloads of money: I care too much about the students and teaching to be that, but I would like to get a break every now and again.

Even my book isn't going well. It was supposed to be published on the 15 March but nothing. I was meant to get the final proofs three weeks ago but nothing. I've emailed a number of times and either don't get a reply or get told it will be with me at the end of the week. I was assured last week that the final proofs would be with me tomorrow at the latest, but I'm not holding out for that. I'm just so sick of the whole process right now and will never recommend this publisher to anyone in the future.

I've cut myself a couple of times as well and been feeling foul over the easter break: ill as well as depressed. I'm still not 100% right but at least I've eaten some chocolate.

On and on

2010-03-16T22:14:00.000Z

I made the appointment to see my GP. It got fairly clear that my mood was getting worse rather than better. I can't see her until next week as she's on holiday but I wanted to wait rather than try and explain to someone else. And I was glad I made the appointment last week as this weekend everything hit lower than ever before. My friend (the one I was bridesmaid for) was staying the weekend with me and we got talking about a lot of things, including the behaviour of The Bully towards me. He is also a very good friend of hers and had been talking to her a bit about what happened between us in September when the emails passed back and forth between us (I had not mentioned that exchange to her). She appeared to largely side with him: I had been rude, stepped on his toes in alot of things, he had taken offence etc. etc. I broke down and cried and told her how he made my life a misery last year and that I hated him for doing that to me. She sensed that it was more than him and there was something wrong and so, for the first time ever, I told her about the counselling and also the effexor. She was shocked and it made me realise that I'm not alright and that I need to do something about it. The thing is I don't know what and I don't know what my GP can do. I've been to CBT twice, I've been on anti-depressants since October 2005, I'm not sure what else there is I can do and I'm beginning to wonder if it's just the way I am.

A job has been advertised in another university that I'm keen on applying to. I love the city it's in and know it well, but not sure what to do. It's at the other end of the country so to speak and I'm a bit uncertain about moving that far away. I guess I'm a bit of a home bird but it's also because my dad turned 70 the other week and it hit me that my parents are getting older. I'm not an only child but my brother and sister are both married. At the same time part of me feels that if I don't apply or if I don't move away soon then I may never do it. Ultimately I want to settle back in the area where I am because it's home with family and everything. So, I've a lot on my mind. Probably not the best time to be making any sort of decision either.

Gutted

2010-02-25T20:01:00.000Z

I've not had the greatest of weeks and it just got worse today. At the start of the week an abstract on a conference paper got rejected. The conference is the BIG one in my research area, only held every two years and my abstract got rejected the last time as well. It means my application for funding won't be accepted as you have to be presenting a paper. Which in turn is related to my probationary requirements for my current job.
Today, however, I got an even bigger shock. In my university people are put into units within their departments according to their research interests. I'm in unit X. Strictly speaking I should probably be in unit Y as I don't really fit into X research wise, but truthfully I don't fit into any of the current units in my department, including Y. Not only that, unit X is the only 'proper' legal unit, the rest are areas and odd "buzz word of the moment" units which are not strictly legal. My unit, however, in spite of being the only one which contains proper lawyers and who are all involved in teaching the core legal subjects has no clout whatsoever. We are viewed as peripheral to the department, a unit who largely moans, but our moans are legitimate. OK, I know I would say that, but an example: 300 students in every year, there were 3 members of staff teaching on the core modules, all from my unit. Some of the optional modules have less than 40 students in them and there are 3 members of staff teaching them. It doesn't take a genius to work out which staff have the heaviest marking and feedback load. Yet we all get the same credit for teaching.

Anyway, on with the tale: as a probationary member of staff, I have a 4 person committee within my unit who are to help me through. In January, one of the committee left for one of the other units. I was a bit concerned but I wasn't that friendly with him so recovered. Today, however, the Prof who I am really close to, I confide everything in her, told me she has left the unit as well for the same unit as my other committee member. I was shocked, gobsmacked, gutted, reeling. She could have told me she was retiring and I wouldn't have felt any worse. She said she wanted to be in a unit where the head of it has more clout (the head does) and would be better for her. She advised me to join it as well. I've gone through a range of emotions: upset, buckets of tears shed. Anger: if we hadn't had a module review meeting I would have found out by an email from my unit head saying she'd transferred. Confusion.

I can't leave my current unit, I enjoy the people in it. There's just no one left in it who has any appreciation of my work. Not that there are any in the other units either. In addition, the unit I would transfer to (the one my two committee members are now in) is where the bully is. I've been in 2 meetings with this guy this week and we've been at each other's throats. He is rude, he interrupts me constantly, he talks down to me: I couldn't cope with him being in my unit.

I'm also unclear as to whether the two staff who have departed my unit will still stay on my committee. I think it would be wrong to remove them but who knows?

I've been considering stopping the methotrexate in the hope my joints may swell and I could get signed off sick. That's how bad I'm feeling: I'm willing to risk my health. And the razors are never far from my thoughts either.

Long time

2010-02-10T19:54:00.000Z

I haven't written in nearly a month, simply because I've been too busy and have been close to tears virtually every evening after work. I made it through my teaching course and all the marking but it was a close shave. I was getting up in the morning feeling worse than I felt when I went to bed. It wasn't helped by the fact that my throat was still bad and I started a cough. I went back to the doctor who said it was clear and then I went back the following week to the nurse for blood tests and she sent me down to the doctor because I looked so bad and told her I felt so awful. It wasn't my usual doctor and I came close to breaking down as I told her I was close to tears most of the time. She gave me decongestants and said to come back if I felt no better. Two weeks later I was back with my own doctor who listened to my chest, gave me an inhaler and said to come back if no better after using it for 2 weeks. I've been using it a week now and I notice the difference after using it; however, I have finally made it back to the pool and I can tell from that that my breathing isn't right. Still another week to go. I also asked my GP when I was there if it would be crazy if I went skiing. I've been before when I was 16 on a school trip but I'd really like to try it again, and before I went skiing I want to do one of the day courses you can do at indoor slopes. She didn't see why not and said she'd check with hubby.

On other things, exam results are out. All my students passed, some of them did very well. Now starts the giving of feedback. I've already sent out the coursework feedback and said that if any of them want feedback on their exam to let me know. I'm seeing 2 so far, one tomorrow and one on Monday.

I'd felt slightly calmer until this week when I've just been inundated with admin and meetings and I'm starting to feel stressed and emotional again. I feel as if I've done far more than my other probationary colleagues, including those who started a year or more before me. I did all I said I would do last year, I've contributed to teaching on core modules, I've introduced one new module and hope to introduce another one next year as well as contributing to a new masters course that looks like starting. Yet that wasn't considered sufficient and I was made head of a year as well meaning I deal with all student problems as well as sit on every committee there is. And they call that light admin. The worst thing is that one colleague who started with me didn't get done what she said she'd do for last October until August and she gets no admin. Another guy doesn't do any marking, gets away with, gets away with being a crap lecturer and he gets no admin because everyone knows he won't do it. It's clearly a case of being punished with admin because you show you can do what you say. I have a meeting with the head of department and my probationary committee at the start of March and if I continue feeling as stressed and down as I do now I will be bringing a lot of this up with them.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-01-13T20:56:00.000Z

This post probably won't make much sense to many of you but I'm going to try.

Contrary to popular belief, universities are not there to teach students, but to research. Most of the funding comes from research and every 6 years or so our research is assessed and money allocated accordingly. So, the emphasis is on research and most of the pressure and stress we have is related to researc pressure and how to balance the teaching with the need to publish publish publish. Really the phrase "publish or perish" is not a joke. In the last 6 months or so I have been thinking of writing a book on a particular topic that I thought was fairly topical and quite interesting. However, I was uncertain about writing it alone given just having finshed the book conversion for my thesis so I thought of an edited collection. Because I'm inexperienced in such matters (how do you get people to write for you, for example?) I asked my former PhD supervisor to edit it with me: his name and experience would be invaluable for me and his name on the book and when asking people to write a piece for it would be great as well. I told him I was willing to do the donkey work (chasing people, editing, dealing with publishers etc) and asked him to think about. I had already spoken briefly to a couple of publishers and both thought it sounded interesting. Anyway, he said he would think about it before Christmas and got back to me then today. He said he would like to be involved as he thought it sounded interesting but was concerned about other work commitments. He then went on to say that he had asked one of his PhD students (a friend of mine) to be involved and help me with the editing. He said he should have asked me first (uh, yes) and apologised for not. Now I know this girl, I've blogged briefly about it her: she's very good, probably a better academic than I ever will be, but she can make me feel so inferior: she got a job before finishing her PhD, she's on at least 5 grand more than me (in another university) and has already a number of publications. I intended asking her to write a chapter for the collection, but I'm not sure I want her name on the cover. It's even worse because I had never mentioned the possibility of a book to her, not out of malice but because it's barely a half baked idea. Now my former supervisor has asked her and I'm not sure what to say. I replied to my former supervisor and said that I was non committal about it and needed to think about it. So I'm in a quandrary. I don't want her taking control of it, but if she's an editor she has as much say as I do. Even worse, she phoned me this morning to see how I was, but I was in a marking meeting and now she's emailed me. I hadn't phoned her back this afternoon as I was busy but now I'm avoiding her as I don't know what to say. I think I'm going to have to be honest and say I need to think about it as I hadn't even anticipated my supervisor saying yes.

On top of all that, I have 160 exam questions to mark, a teaching course all next week, another module to mark the following week and two assignments of my own to write. And people think I do nothing.

Grotty

2010-01-12T20:36:00.000Z

Tomorrow is the last day of the antibiotics and I'm not sure they've worked entirely. Over the weekend my glands were very swollen and sore as were my ears and that continued until yesterday. My throat still feels sore when I swallow and my eyes are all gunky and I have this cough as well. I haven't been into work since last Wednesday and today was the first time I've the left the house since then as well. I haven't officially been off sick as I've been marking practice questions at home and responding to the online forum where the students can post questions. I actually wish I had gone off sick officially because then I would have been able to ignore everything, but that would have left the module co-ordinator the only one moderating the forums and marking practice questions as the other lecturer on the course was on annual leave. Instead I got myself worked up over a couple of students; one in particular was nagging to meet me and I ended up having to cancel on them twice. They then bombarded me with questions which is fair enough, but these questions weren't problems with the material, instead they were simply asking "what is the answer". I emailed back answers to 9 questions and stated that they should use the online forum instead. I got an email back asking one last question. I replied and then last night when I got another email asking more or less "what is this section all about", I flipped, cut and pasted the email to the forum, answered it there and emailed student and said it was answered on the forum, not to email me again as I would not be answering private emails as it was unfair on other students. After that the module co-ordiantor contacted me to say the student had also hassled her about my topic and that student appears not to have done the reading. The exam is tomorrow. All was fine until this evening when I discovered more questions from student on discussion forum, which I had already answered by email to student! I nearly burst into tears, which I know is partly to do with still not feeling great as well as not having taken my venlafaxine last night. As it's slow release missing a dose is felt more or less immediately.

So, I'm heading into work tomorrow to collect exams for marking. I'm debating whether I wait until Thursday to phone the doc and say I'm still not feeling right or to do it tomorrow. Guess I should finish the antibiotics and see how tomorrow goes first of all. I'm also worried because work is already piling up: 2 assignments for the PG teaching course are due in mid Feb, next week is full with the teaching course classes, marking in the evenings and monitoring my other class forum for problems. After next week's PG teaching course classes I'm going to have another 2 assignments for May. And after all that teaching will start fairly soon and while mine is light this term, I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up.

I'm ill

2010-01-07T13:33:00.000Z

I'm not ill that often other than my usual problems, but this time it's the worst sore throat I have ever had. I had made an appointment with the nurse to get my bloods checked for the methotrexate and I remembered that the booklet that tells me all about the methotrexate says that if you have a sore throat you are to contact your doctor immediately. I told this to the nurse and she arranged for the doctor to see me: not my usual lovely GP but the on call one who was very nice as well. Suffice to say that I now have penicillin and a mouthwash to gargle with instructions to rest and come back if it doesn't improve. So I've taken my first dose and about to watch Doctors on BBC1 before retiring back to bed for a while. I can do some work that needs doing from home: practice questions for the students that need marking and emailed back to them and also monitor the online discussion forum that we use. I had to cancel a meeting with one student who apparently has lots of questions. I'm a bit at a loss as to what these could be as the discussion forum has been used and all students have access to that. Anyway, I told him to email them to me and I'd answer as many as I could by email and see him next Tuesday all being well.

I can't believe it's 2010 already! Within a couple of weeks work will start on the timetable for the next academic year, students will have finished exams and the second semester will have started. I have to start thinking about an external examiner for the new module I want to introduce in September and I have no idea who to get. It's really difficult to think of someone and to know someone when you are a complete novice in the field and only starting out on your career. I'd like to ask my old supervisor but I'm not sure he would do it and I think there are a load of rules governing it. Anyone I did my PhD with are also not experienced enough:(

Festive greetings

2009-12-24T22:18:00.001Z

Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy new year to all.

Twice in one day: things are bad

2009-12-15T20:49:00.000Z

The reviews have really knocked my confidence. We have to monitor a discussion forum on the topics we lecture on and my topic now has a question that I have to answer. I'm terrified of putting fingers to keypad for fear of getting it all wrong. But I have to answer it, so it could be a long night on Google and with the textbooks trying to work out answers. The module convenor has helped out but I don't want to annoy her any more.
I also have coursework to mark for Thursday morning, so I'll be getting on with that once I finish this post.

I'm pathetic.

Bad reviews

2009-12-15T14:30:00.000Z

At the end of every module we have to hand out module review form and tutor evaluation forms. I'm just back from my last revision lecture in one module (not a module that I research in, but I get on very well with the prof in charge of it and enjoy teaching it). I had to hand out the module evaluation forms in it and collect them in at the end. I wasn't mentioned much in them, some people said I was excellent, some said they loved my topic and my handouts were good, but it's the bad ones that stick with you. One said to get rid of me because I was a crap lecturer and I gave the impression I didn't want to be there, another said I just read out my notes and another said my hand outs were difficult to follow.

Am I a crap lecturer? I don't know, I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst: I'm too self conscious to really throw myself into them and be all flamboyant, besides, it's not really me to do that. My other module reviews were fine, but I was the only one teaching them and there were only 11 students, so it was a different atmosphere.

Do I just read out my notes? Possibly: I do write them out in full so as not to forget anything, and I do consider it more important to get all the information across to the students than ad lib and forget most of it. It's a skill you pick up as you get more experience.

Were my notes difficult to follow? I didn't think so: I included all the relevant cases and statutes, quotations from the cases and important points I wanted to emphasise. The problem is we spend so much time satisfying the students that they always want more. There are complaints when there is no handout and complaints when there is one that's too long. What's the happy medium?

I have to hand these module evaluations to the convenor of it now: I've removed the really nasty ones and, in the interests of fairness, I've removed one that was nasty about her: it was totally uncalled for.

When you're feeling a bit low, those comments just send you plummeting. When you're questioning your career, those comments just make you question all the more. When you're thinking stuff you don't want to think, those comments just make you think you should do the thoughts.

A possible mistake

2009-12-12T23:10:00.000Z

I was out for dinner tonight with some old mates from university and at it I told them I had a private blog. They couldn't ulnderstand why I would have a blog and have strangers read it and not have friends read it. How can I explain it to them? I told them that I wrote things on it that wouldn't tell my friends. Someone asked did people reply to posts and I explained that they did, but I didn't have as many readers as some blogs. One guy (a psychiatrist) said that it was like therapy then. I explained that yes it was as blogs tended to attract people with similar problems or similar interests, especially at the start. I'm just hoping that no one finds my blog now. I don't think I'm identifiable but who knows.

The meal was nice and it was good seeing everyone. I'm never sure how things like that will go: the group of friends go out every week and I don't. I also can't drink really any more (I'm considering the amount of alcohol I've drunk in the last week and a half to be the "very occasional glass of wine" for the next year). I came home at 8 with a couple who were heading onto a concert. Still, all in all I'm glad I made the effort and dragged myself out of this chair and went. It is all about making an effort and distracting yourself from the rather horrible thoughts you can have.

error

2009-12-01T15:44:00.000Z

I was reading over my last post and realised that I had said that I finished with CBT. A huge mistake. The idea of CBT is to change the way you think, so if you have a negative thought you challenge it and try to think through it rationally. Obviously in that case you never finish with CBT: it's meant to be a skill you learn for life.

The thing is, and I've said this to my GP, I can identify the bad thought and think up ways of challenging it, but I don't believe the challenges. If I think I'm not good enough for this job and I rationalise it and say that I am, I was interviewed and successful, I think of that as a fluke, or being good at interviews and not as proof that I'm good enough for the job. I also found when I was attending a therapist that I was being asked to challenge thoughts that were actually factual. For example, it's difficult to discuss my research with anyone in my law school as I'm the only one in that particular area. I was asked how I would challenge that and when I said I couldn't because it was a true fact she wanted to know how she could check it was true! Luckily I was able to say there was a list of all the interests of people in the law school on the internet and it could be verified there.

So, I can see the point of CBT to an extent, sometimes we do need to be taught how to "look on the bright side" as I coined it. But it's not a panacea to end all ills and yet it seems to be virtually the main and only form of therapy that's available.

Wobble

2009-11-26T22:05:00.000Z

I'm having a real wobble right now. I was trying to prepare a tutorial last night for this morning and just thought that I couldn't do it any longer. I was going to phone and get an appointment with my GP just to speak to someone but I didn't do it. It was just to speak to someone who knows what's been happening but what was she going to do for me?
I finished CBT 10 days ago. Apparently there was meant to be a review appointment after a month or so but my therapist was leaving and so it won't happen. She mentioned me perhaps seeing someone privately even if just to check in once a fortnight or once a month with someone to maintain contact but I'm not sure. I said I'd see how things went over Christmas. Part of it is just sheer exhaustion, but there's something more that I'm more that I can't identify and sometimes I just think that this is life, this is what I'll be like and that it's me.

Busy times

2009-11-16T22:21:00.000Z

I've been horribly busy for the last 2 weeks and there's no sign of it letting up. I'm busy doing a book review for a friend that I've had for months. I've also been asked to review a book manuscript for publication by a publisher. It's due on Thursday and I haven't even started looking at it yet. I think I'm going to have to ask for a few days etc. Then next week I have to start preparing a new set of lectures for the following week. I'm like a walking zombie these days: last Thursday I sleepwalked home and fell into bed at 4 and woke at 8. I can't seem to get enough quality sleep and I'm exhausted on a daily basis.

My blood tests for the methotrexate have been OK so far and I'm now down to monthly tests from fortnightly. I feel slightly ill the day after I take it and can't eat breakfast and a bit nauseous on other days but nothing too severe. I chopped my hair off because it was coming out in clumps but wasn't visibly thinning. It's still shedding like crazy but because the hair isn't as long it doesn't look as bad.

On the mood front I've been a bit up and down and teary as well. I think work is getting to me and I'm trying not to let it. I keep telling myself that there's only another few weeks to go and I can get through them. But sometimes I think I can't and it scares me.

Calling all readers

2009-11-02T23:35:00.001Z

Leave me a reply. I just want to know how many of you out there are following these random witterings. Just say hello:)

strange mood

2009-10-29T17:08:00.002Z

I'm in really weird form and I can't put my finger on it. My teaching isn't going well, it's me rather than the students. I can't get up to speed and I can't get the information across to them in a coherent manner. My heart isn't in it really. And my mood has been all over the place. Up and down like a yoyo. I spent Saturday in bed as I couldn't be bothered getting up, Saturday evening in tears and the rest of the time bumbling along.

I've been considering my life and looking into alternative careers including nursing. I'd get funding for it I think but having bought the flat I can't afford to do it for another couple of years. I just want to do something a bit more worthwhile with my life than sit in an ivory tower and write things that will never be read except by a handful of idiots. I mentioned it to one of my probationary committee and she was shocked that I was thinking of doing something like that.

On other things, the thoughts continue unabated. I find myself stepping away from kerbs as fleeting visions go through my mind of stepping in front of cars. I hate being in the razor aisle in supermarkets or pharmacies as I think of cutting myself: they're horrible thoughts as they are so dark and so threatening.

CBT

2009-10-13T22:06:00.002+01:00

I'm still attending the psychologist/CBT therapist. We're winding down now, last time there was 2 weeks between sessions and then this time there are 3 weeks. Today's session was quite amusing, well the last 15 minutes were. She asked my advice on something. I've said elsewhere that I'm a year head this year (and for who knows how many years!) and the advice I asked for was related to that. Apparently a student from my uni has been admitted to the local psychiatric ward and my therapist was asking advice in relation to the role of the year head. I should stress that at no point was confidentiality breached. I have no idea if the student is male or female (in this post I'll probably lapse into referring to them as a female!), what department they are studying in or much else about them. I explained my role as year head and said the student should speak to her head ASAP, backed up with medical certs and so forth. Also that there were a number of options available to them including temporary/permanent withdrawal and the time periods re financial issues. However, there appears to be a problem with uni accommodation which is university accommodation. The uni has said that they don't feel uni accommodation is appropriate for the student because the rest of the students go out an awful lot. I couldn't believe that. To me uni accommodation is imperative: it gives first years an opportunity to meet new people and socialise. Even if this student doesn't go out much is it not better for them to be somewhere with others than potentially living in private accommodation with the attendant problems and stresses of that. Fine, the uni could be within their rights to deny uni accommodation if the student attempted to blow the accommodation up but not because the student has a mental health problem. It's discrimination. So I told the therapist that the Disability Office should be contacted, I suggested to consider asking the uni options about a different type of accommodation: perhaps in designated disability adapted rooms where generally there are less people to a kitchen, or even in PG accommodation. I also said to consider options such as a regular check in with the accommodation warden to make they're coping etc. I mentioned the Student Guidance centre and the counselling service there which could be used in conjunction with her psychiatrist once they are released, and also seeing if their department would perhaps try and organise a buddy in a higher year to provide some support if needed.

It felt so odd giving this advice! I'm getting some leaflets from the various services for the therapist to give to the psychiatrist so that they can see what support is available.

On other things, life goes on. Teaching is OK: things are tough this week workwise because tutorials for the other subject I'm teaching on start this week so I'm struggling to keep my head above water with prep for that as well as my own module.

I'm tolerating the methotrexate so far, no real side effects. Felt a bit queasy this morning and now and I'm wondering if it affects your circulation as I've been freezing in bed at night (even with a heavy duvet, warm blanket and another comforter), so I must google that. I also got my flu jab today and my baseline blood test results back from two weeks ago. I've also had my new bloods taken to make sure that the methotrexate isn't slowly killing me! I'll get those back in a couple of weeks when I see my GP.

Next day

2009-09-29T21:52:00.002+01:00

I had my first teaching today: it was terrible. I always find the first one is but after yesterday it was even worse. The powerpoint was ridiculously long, the material was complicated and I hadn't read over it properly. If any of them stay in the class it will be a miracle.

I can't stop thinking about my colleague yesterday, I know I should put it behind me but I'm finding it really difficult to. He came into the post room today when I was there (with others) and we both said hello.

I also had my psychologist appointment today. Apparently I have 4 more so it's down to 1 a fortnight now. I'm not sure if it's working or not. I am trying to rationalise my thoughts but it's incredibly difficult in relation to my colleague. I didn't mention it to her, maybe I should have. I did, however, mention the dark thoughts. Not in so many words that I keep having thoughts as to how I might commit suicide, but that the thoughts were dark. My GP didn't mention it yesterday when I saw her but she was busy with the methotrexate.

I took the methotrexate last night: no side effects as yet, not sure if it needs to build up in my system first, but I'm not complaining! The only thing I noticed is that I went to bed at 6.30 for a lie down and woke at 8.20! Normally if I sleep like that during the day I'd wake an awful lot. If it is an effect of the drug I hope that it works at night when I'm meant to be sleeping!

Awful day

2009-09-28T21:42:00.002+01:00

Today was the start of the teaching term. I had a load of things to do ranging from gaining access to my module to writiue ng tomorrow's powerpoint for my first lecture. Naturally lots of things got in the way. The main thing was a colleague reducing me to tears by an email. Two students had emailed me at the start of July and mid August to ask for feedback on their exam. I had been their tutor and they knew me best. Both were very apologetic for disturbing me in the summer and both said September would be fine. In July I emailed the module co-ordinator and asked if he wanted to give feedback or would I do it. Much humming and hahing during which he said he was going on holiday, that we shouldn't jump when the students made a request, that he'd already done a load, and I said I wasn't going on holiday and was happy to do it, he snapped if I couldn't manage to forward it on to him. I did so. The girl who asked in August, I went back to module co-ordinator, stated that I was happy to do this and the secretaries had said they would find the paper for me. He informed me I wouldn't be able to as he still had the papers in his office and wouldn't be back till October (on research leave) and to send on the email and he would get back to the student and see her then. I sent the email to him saying that as he was on research leave till January I didn't mind doing it for him. Today I get an email to the student, copied to me, in which he states that even though he is on research leave he will extraordinarily be available for her next week and stated that she should have contacted him directly as only module co-ordinators could give feedback. First I heard of it: he hadn't said it to me at any point before. I checked to see if this was an unwritten rule and it isn't: we should just always check with the co-ordinator about it. As I had done. I replied to the co-ordinator's email stating that I hadn't known he had this rule about only him giving feedback and that I had given it before. I have to say I was furious that he undermined me to the student in the email to her so was quite curt, I suppose. He replied by stating that it was not his rule and that he would appreciate it if I did not interfere in a module on which I was no longer teaching. I burst into tears. I hadn't been interfering, I had been trying to help him out and relieve some of his work. I wrote back (probably a mistake) saying that, and explaining that the students had contacted me as I was their tutor. I also stated that because of his workload and going on research I had been trying to alleviate his workload but that it clearly hadn't been appreciated and I would not annoy him again.

I am furious. I have had bother with this guy's desire to control everything all last year, I deliberately asked not to be teaching the module again because of him and I quite frankly feel that he is a bully and what he has done is tantamount to bullying. His problem with me is that I won't just kowtow to him and that I do challenge him, as I believe I should when warranted as his colleague (he's been there longer than me but isn't actually much senior than me in that we are both lecturers and not senior lecturers). So that put a downer on the rest of the day and it took me to 7 then to finish the powerpoint.

I went to my GP today with my note from my rheumatologist about the methotrextate. Got the script and have taken my first dose. I've been warned about the alcohol again and that it might make me nauseous so here's hoping I make it to my first lecture tomorrow at 9am!

if I thought last week was busy...

2009-09-23T20:57:00.002+01:00

it had nothing on this week. Last week was my teaching course: bloody awful isn't it. A pile of mumbo jumbo and ticking of boxes. I missed a couple of sessions due to meetings which were a blessing in disguise. And I had an appointment with my rheumatologist to have me joints injected. They weren't swollen when I saw him and they had settled slightly when I saw him so he decided not to. All my blood tests were clear from the last time as well and so he wasn't going to start me on the methotrexate. Then he asked what I thought and I told him the truth. I said that I was afraid that it would start up again and that the last episode had gone on from March. I also said that when they were swollen it made me depressed and with work I was constantly tired and fed up with it all. So he decided from that that he would start me on the lowest dose. I'm not to get pregnant (fat chance: I need a boyfriend of some sort for that) and alcohol other than a very occasional glass of wine is off the menu. So when I see my GP on Monday I will getting my prescription filled for that.

This week I've met with my first year students, gone to an admin meeting and on Friday have a student progress meeting. In between I'm trying to write exams, finalise the syllabus for my module and try and find out how many will be in my module as well as wondering when the admin issues will be sorted out. The whole system falls into disarray every registration time and still they don't learn from it.

Nose to the grindstone

2009-09-14T18:58:00.002+01:00

Well the conference is over as is my short break and I'm back in my office as if I haven't been away at all. The conference was OK, paper went OK, no real feedback on it but then I never expected any. I'm not a conference person, I tend not to be able to speak to people nor am I really that interested in talking law all the time.
My holiday was lovely, it was only a short break but I did feel revived after the summer, it was just a pity it wasn't for longer. Now I'm back and have my teaching course this week and am going home in a few minutes to write a short lecture to give tomorrow and be video-taped. Sigh. The course is crap, no other word can be used to describe it, a complete waste of time at this time of year when I have so much other stuff to be getting on with. (Un)fortunately I missed part of this afternoon as I had a GP's appointment (more of in a minute) and tomorrow am back with the psychologist after a 3 week break as she was away and I was away then. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting in my capacity as head of year so miss part of the morning session as well. Then at lunchtime today I got a call from my rheumatologist's secretary saying there was a cancellation and could I come and get my joints injected on Thursday so I miss Thursday pm and Friday due to having to rest! All a bit mad. I've no idea whether he will still inject my joints, they haven't been as bad recently, or else I'm getting used to it. But if he doesn't inject them then I don't know where I stand about the methotrexate. Part of me feels that if they're OK leave them alone, the other part of me is sick of the constant flare ups. Anyway, Thursday will tell.

Today I told my GP about thinking about ways of committing suicide but that I wouldn't do it. She wanted to know how I was so sure. I don't know why I'm sure, it's wrong. I'd leave people behind who had no idea that things were bad, there are worse people off than me. The upshot is that I have to go back in 2 weeks and not a month and she said about avoiding situations where I do think of it, alcohol, large amounts of tablets etc. So doubt if I will be given large supplies for a while. The whole head of year thing is still worrying me: I've been going through reams of medical certs and half them seem to be suffering from depression or have taken overdoses or something similar: I just don't know if I can cope with hearing all that for the next year. It's strange: I feel brighter than I have in a long time but my thoughts are darker.

New home

2009-09-06T13:55:00.007+01:00

As promised, pictures of my new place! I had no idea posting pictures to a blog could be so difficult, this is my 6th attempt!

My bedroom: favourite room in the house: nice and airy and relaxing: all by the book of how to cure insomnia: no tv or music as your bedroom is for sleeping! Such a shame it's not working right now.

Dining room: I love my table and chairs and you can just about make out part of a huge clock that was a present from brother and sis-in-law.

The living room. Suite and coffee table kindly donated from my big bro and sister-in-law!

This is the kitchen. I'm very proud of my racks and utensils!

Note the slight pink theme in the kitchen!

This is the second bedroom: initially the colours were in my bedroom but then I saw ones I liked more. Rather than put the new ones in the second bedroom I swapped the two around.

And that's it! Home sweet home.

Book

2009-09-06T05:52:00.002+01:00

Madsadgirl asked me about my book in the comments in my previous post: I'd forgotten about it with everything else that happened over the summer. As is typical, the proofs arrived right slap bang in the middle of me cleaning, painting and packing. On top of the proofs arriving, they arrived without table of cases/documents and an index. Now the cases/documents weren't a problem as I had it from my PhD and just needed to add a couple of things to it, but the index was. When I enquired I was told that authors do their own and did I really need one. I pointed out that the contract stated they would do it and that the book was over 400 pages long and did need one. I was a bit upset over this as I've never done an index before and no real idea how to do one. I could pay for someone to do it but I resent spending money on that. I asked about the department what the deal was normally but didn't receive much advice (no real surprise there: I sometimes think most of them feel they did everything by themselves and had no advice, therefore everyone should). In the end, I proofread the book and jotted down key words and phrases as I went along, emailed the corrections to the publisher and said that if they wished me to do the index they would have to wait as the earliest I could manage was the end of September due to other commitments. They said that was fine so once I'm back from the conference and the teaching course I have one week before students come back (during which, as year head, I'm involved in student enrolment) to update and organise lecture notes and write the index. I'm hoping that the book will be delayed to January because that will mean that it's published in 2010 and therefore will be newly published for a year, rather than publishing it in December 2009 and in January it's already a year old!

As for the time of this post: I'm not sleeping well still. I've been taking sleeping tablets but my GP is reluctant to prescribe me many more so I'm tring to eek out what I have left. It only takes 3.75mg to help me sleep and more importantly keep me asleep and let me waken without feeling zombi like. I see my GP again on Monday 14th so I'll speak to her then about it. With term starting soon and work piling up, I don't want to end up in a state because of lack of sleep.

Long time no post

2009-09-05T22:24:00.001+01:00

I’m sorry I haven’t updated this blog in so long. I’ve still be about, reading people’s blogs and commenting on them, I just haven’t had the energy to write my own. A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve started a new anti-depressant: Effexor and it seems to be doing a bit more than any of the others. Apparently it’s one up on the others and my GP has said if this doesn’t make any effect she wants me to see a psychiatrist, which I’m not at all keen on. I’m back seeing a psychologist, CBT again, which isn’t easy and isn’t pleasant and I’m not really sure it’s helping much. I had started self- harming again, but haven’t in about 6 weeks or so, or at least not in my mind: I have been using a razor blade to scrape off rough skin on my heels (the joys of sandal wearing) and occasionally nicked myself: is it harm? One thing that has been happening though, and I haven’t mentioned it to either my GP or the psychologist and not sure whether to, is that ideas of how I would commit suicide keep popping into my head. I would not attempt suicide but I just have to read about something, or see the number of pills I have in pill drawer for me to think of it.

On other news, my new flat is finally ready and I’m living in it. Mum and dad were great and another friend of the family’s and cleaned and painted it while I did silly little things and fed them as well. But I officially moved in yesterday. I’ll post some photos as soon as I get round to taking some. I’m living alone: my former flatmate has moved in with her dickhead of a boyfriend. When she came back from her holiday she stayed in the flat once and I had to email her to tell her I was giving in notice on the rented flat. She said she would think about things and let me know after the weekend what she had decided. After the weekend she got back to me and asked could she move in with me until the end of the year: 4 months. I said no it didn’t suit me. I didn’t want to squash all my stuff into one room for any longer. So she’s with dickhead. She had to dump a load of stuff when she moved out because he didn’t want her crap. I’m hurt and upset over it, she has never seen my new place and as it’s 2 doors down from where we rented there’s no reason other than she’s not interested. She moved some stuff out when I was in my new place and she knew where I was but she still texted from her car to say she was heading on instead of coming and telling me. So I have hardly seen her. I don’t know what to say to her any more or anything that we have in common.

Work has been work: new people started. One guy seems like a pain in the arse: super confident and everything that I’m not. Far less teaching experience than I have and he already wants to know how he can shorten his probationary period. And he’s only teaching on postgrad stuff. Another of the new people is on a 2 year fixed term post and only has 18 hours teaching over the whole year: I just don’t get that: surely fixed term people should have more teaching as they may not be here when it comes to research exercises and therefore they should be relieving people of teaching. I’m now head of a year so I deal with a group of students problems: sick notes, extensions and so on. Initially I didn’t mind but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get: Me and another girl were chosen to do this when still in our probationary periods because we’re the ones who have performed best of the crowd that started last year. Fine: except our pay stays the same (she’s on more than me as she’s been a lecturer somewhere else for 2 years) and the others we started with have no such duties (remember at least one of them can’t speak English).

I’ve also to do a teaching course: governmental requirement. It’s a week long from the 14th Sept. I chose that week as the first week it runs I’m at a conference for 2 of the days so thought I shouldn’t miss 2 days of it. The guy who can’t speak English is going to the same conference as me but has signed up for the earlier session: where the hell is management to put their foot down, insist he take English classes and attend all of a course? I have to try and not think about all of this because it only makes me angry, which only makes me think and do silly things which depresses me further.

I’ve been given all the student notes from previous years for the year head role. I’ve read through them and now I’m a bit worried about the post. So many of them seem to be depressed or anxious and as a result not able to hand in work or sit exams. Part of me thinks that I can empathise with them, the other part of me just gets depressed and anxious reading about all of it (one girl took an overdose) and makes me think of dark things. Then another part of me thinks I’m managing (sort of), I’m not getting any special dispensation for my depression or self harm, life’s shit, get used to it. I sometimes think that I shouldn’t be doing the post, that it’s too close to the bone for me and if people in charge knew about me they wouldn’t let me do it. But they don’t know about me so I’m doing it and will have to live with any consequences.

My new place is lovely, I’m delighted with it, it’s home and it’s all mine. I’ll take photos tomorrow and post. I’ll also post more often: I may need the support of my online mates in the coming year. It’s not coming from anywhere else.

Friends

2009-06-22T22:43:00.002+01:00

I seem to be losing friends these days rather than making them.

The latest is my flatmate. I've blogged a bit about her loser boyfriend: in a nutshell: he had an affair with her years ago while still married - am disgusted at her with that as she knew about his wife - they split up, she met someone else, split up with the new bloke and got back together with this guy three years ago or more now. The marriage was allegedly over when they first went out and he was sleeping on the sofa, yeah right. He's been getting divorced ever since they got back together but it's still not through. Over a year into the relationship he told her that not only did he have a daughter with his wife, who my friend knew about, he also had another 16 year old daughter with another woman he was once engaged to. Her family is disgusted at it, she has totally lost contact with most of her friends, I have lived with her for nearly a year now and have known her well for 10 years and yet I can count on one hand the number of times I have met him. She has embraced his family as her own, he has alienated her from her family and friends and she does all the running in the relationship. He clicks his fingers and she drives half an hour to his place, at all hours, including 1.30am. If they have a row, he kicks her out of his place and she drives home. She told me last week, by email that she was moving in with him. I was furious that she told me by email and I replied, by email, telling her that I didn't know her any more and she didn't know me and I wasn't remotely surprised and that I never saw her any more. She replied saying she found it difficult to talk to me as I was so negative about boyf and various other things and I told her that she was making a commitment in moving in with him but that he wasn't as he's already been married and had children and been engaged etc all before. She was meant to be back last Thursday but she's arrived only tonight and is off on holiday with boyf and his SISTER(!) on Friday and won't be sleeping here again. We're apparently talking on Wednesday evening but I'm not hopeful. I'm not even sure what she wants me to say or what she wants to talk about. It feel as if she wants me to tell her it's wonderful and to go on ahead but I'm not doing that because it's the worst move of her life and I'll be the mug picking up the pieces in the future when he dumps her. I'm tired of doing that when no one is around to pick up the pieces of me when my life goes pear-shaped. She doesn't even know how bad my joints have been nor the fact that I'm looking at going on the methotrextate and the implications of all of that. I know that I'm the one responsible for my body and what I decide to do but sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone else about it and the pros and cons.

Hullo

2009-06-15T21:12:00.002+01:00

I'm back again, after a long, unexpected absence. Partly because I was away and then at a conference and partly because I had nothing remotely interesting to say.
The wedding in Portugal was very good. Lovely weather, just marred somewhat by the fact that they seem to have no disabled access whatsoever. My friend is a wheelchair user (paraplegic) and phoned in advance to make sure the hotel was accessible. They said yes but unfortunately their idea of an accessible room is wider doors and no cupboard under the sink. She was still expected to be able to get in and out of a bathtub to shower. The area itself was lovely but kerbs all over the place. And although two of my colleagues were also attending the wedding and staying in the same hotel they weren't interested in helping out or spending time with us other than breakfast. I found that quite hurtful as they made it quite clear my wheelchair friend was my responsibility. Given the fact that I'm not the best jointwise myself I found some of it quite stressful, especially when I had to refuse point blank to go into the nearby city with her as we were told it was completely hilly, old, cobbly and inaccessible. Once again, my oh so friendly colleagues were completely unhelpful. I also discovered that all the rest of my oh so friendly colleagues at the wedding had exchanged mobile numbers again before going, but not me. When I told one of my friends she asked me why I was still working where I am.

After that wedding I was in London for a conference, boring boring boring. Best part of London was the day I went home as before leaving I spent the morning in the Wellcome Museum: loved it loved it loved it!

Once home the marking started: unbelievable how generous the person in charge of the module I teach on wanted me to be. Also completely unbelievable how resistant he is to any change. I am finding him very difficult to work with: he won't have a module review meeting where all the lecturers involved in the module can discuss the module, how well it's working, any improvements we could make etc. Nope, not for him. Working with him is extremely stressful for me and I'm hoping I won't have anything to do with him next year. I hesitate to use the word bully, but sometimes it feels like that.

I was then at home for a week as dad was off on a golfing holiday and mum didn't want to stay alone, so got the exams marked and headed home to look at tiles and various things for the new place (when the bank finally get their finger out). Also had a rheumatology appointment. He wants to inject both my knees and elbows and is thinking of changing my medication to methotrexate. I'm a bit worried: last couple of times I've had ONE joint injected I've not been very well. This time he's going to do all three at once, or at least as many as I can tolerate. He said he'd do it ASAP but I think his ASAP and mine are two different things! I'm also slightly concerned about the methotrexate, it's very toxic but at the same time I'm so sick of all these swollen joints and how shitty they make me feel.

My yearly review is in a couple of weeks. I think I've done an ok year's work: at least as far as I'm aware the students haven't complained about me. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how good a lecturer I am, what matters is the research I do and the money I bring in. It's a sad indictment of the way things work these days.

I have a few more gripes to get off my chest but I'll save those for tomorrow: I'm tired now and need to go to bed.

Book is finished

2009-05-01T20:31:00.002+01:00

Nothing else to say!

50th post

2009-04-28T16:56:00.003+01:00

It's my 50th post. I seem to post more when I'm feeling crap, obviously I like moaning to you lot out there! All of April it's been a joints and it seems a shame not to write about them again in my 50th post. I bit the bullet and phoned for an appointment with my GP: 2 weeks away: 14th May: I'm in Portugal. I'm debating whether or not to phone and try and speak to her and explain what's up. But with bank holidays and me in London and then away I think it's going to be bloody hard to be fitted in for another injection. And if she chooses to inject the knee joint specifically then I need to rest up and I haven't got the time to do that! ARGH.

Think I'm going to lie down and have a nap.

Joints

2009-04-27T19:52:00.002+01:00

They've swollen again on me. ARGH. Both knees had gone by the time I got up from my desk from a couple of hours proof reading. The only thing I had done differently was wear a pair of heels about an inch and a half high and walk to work which is just short of a mile. Now I'm in a quandary about what to do: GP said to go back but she's always booked up for a week in advance as she's only in Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday half day and I don't want to see another one. With the bank holiday next Monday, me in London for the arc interview on Wednesday and me off to Portugal the following Wed 13th May if I do make an appointment to see it will only be to say that the injection worked for 10 days and then stopped. After that it will be after I come back from Portugal (end of May as heading to London for a conference directly from Portugal) that anything will be able to be done. Tired even thinking about it.

One more lecture tomorrow morning at 9am and then only 3 hours left of teaching. Thank God. Then just the exams to mark. And then summer is free, well officially research but as the book will hopefully be off to the publishers on Friday I think I can have a break and rest up for a while.

I'm also going to be busy over the next few months as, wait for it, I'm sale agreed on an apartment 2 doors down from where I am now:) It all happened so quickly so that's why no blogging about it. So I'm looking forward to choosing lots of nice new things and moving into my new home over the summer.

Sigh

2009-04-26T01:16:00.002+01:00

I was out tonight at a joint hen and stag night (people out there note: don't do it). I haven't been out in a year(!) and I haven't seen some of the people I would have gone out with in that time. I looked around at them, all friends from uni, and I wondered what I had in common with them. And I wondered was it time to leave the friendships behind: not that we've fallen out but that we've all moved on. And then I thought but what do I move on to. I haven't made more friends in that time and I don't know how to make more friends. I don't know what I like to do any more or how to find out what I like to do. Part of me wants to go out like we used to go out and let loose and really enjoy myself, the other part of me can't be bothered changing my weekends and making that effort. I would love to have a partner, someone to share things with, someone who is always there, who makes me laugh, who is there for me when I fall and cry, when I'm tired and low, but how do you find someone like that if you don't go out, and if you do go out where do you go to find them?

High to low

2009-04-21T21:07:00.002+01:00

I was on a bit of a high yesterday as I managed a reasonable day's work and got quite a bit done (hopefully good material!) but today, in spite of having a draft chapter completed my mood has been plummeting. Nothing has happened to cause this, it just seems to be one of those things.

My joints seem to have responded to the steroid which is one good thing. It's only now that I realise how swollen my knees actually were and how bent my elbow was. It's strange the way that you get used to things, I suppose it's good really with health matters!

eek

2009-04-17T22:59:00.002+01:00

I have just spent a large amount of money on Boden clothes. I think this is me entering the depths of despair at the thought of having to write lectures and finish a book and I'm shopping to make myself feel better. Does it make difference though that all the clothes are brightly coloured and happy looking?

I think my elbow is straighter than it has been for a while, but my knee is feeling a bit strange as if it's about to swell. But then again I could be hyper sensitive to it all right now.

ya know...

2009-04-16T19:44:00.002+01:00

I was just catching up on a few blogs there now and thinking how the NHS is not satisfactory to so many people (for various reasons). Yet I have a saint of a GP of whom I cannot speak highly enough. She gave me my steroid injection today (my butt is just a little bit tender: 2x 3ml of fluid going in gives a pins and needle type sensation and now the area just feels a tad bruised: niggling rather than sore: as if I need a man with strong muscular fingers to knead the area - none about however), having phoned me at home yesterday to see if I was any better (see post below) and then scheduled me in to see her today after her surgery, at 12. She also remembered about the arc user committee that I've been shortlisted for and offered me her medical knowledge if I needed a hand preparing for it. And she's agreed to write me a reference if I get offered the post and if I need one: my other referees can attest to my academic ability but I thought she would be the best to speak on my medical interest etc.

I'm not convinced the injection will help, but we will see, if not Iwill be back to see her and she said she would inject the knee directly. She's also written to my consultant to ask if he will see me again sooner as I am having a flare, which is linked to the fact that she thinks I may be on the wrong DMARD. However, I only saw him in March so not sure when he'll see me again. Having said that he is always telling me to contact him if I am having any problems.

Anyway, after the injection I met a friend for lunch and then went shopping to see if I could find a new dress for the wedding, but nothing. But I did get a rather nice handbag! This one. I was also really bad and bought a very expensive pair of shoes on Tuesday, but if I don't spoil myself, who will???

steorid time

2009-04-15T13:12:00.002+01:00

I was meant to phone my GP today about the steroid injection. I rolled over in bed this morning snoozing happily when my phone rang. As it's a new phone I didn't know what it was for a second and then thought it was the alarm and I had somehow set it. Once I realised the phone was actually ringing I lay there momentarily wondering how I answered. Managed to do that before it rang off "urgheluro" in sleepy voice. It was my GP and she knew immediately she had woken me. It was only 9.50am! Anyway, to cut a long story short I'm getting the steroid jab tomorrow. I'm not convinced it will work but we will see and I will ask tomorrow what the next course of action will be should the elbow still refuse to straighten periodically and should the knees and ankle remain swollen.
In the meantime I am attempting to start to write a lecture for after the Easter break as I can't see myself taking up her offer of a sick note. Wish I could though!

steroids

2009-04-09T12:35:00.001+01:00

My GP doesn't want to inject my knee joint because my ankle and elbow are swollen as well, so it's looking like a general steroid injection into my butt. She said she would do it for me next Wed or Thursday when the surgery re-opens but she's also wondering whether a change of the disease modifying drug (DMARD) I'm on would be useful. I've been on this DMARD for 14 years so I guess my body could be 'used to it', so to speak. But the DMARD I'm on is one of the least toxic there is so not sure about changing. She also suggested that I go back and see my rheumatologist but he only saw me at the start of March and was happy to leave the joints as long as they weren't causing me problems. And he was happy for my GP to inject it if she and I thought necessary.

I also asked her about changing the anti-depressant I'm on (as per psychologist's suggestion). She said she'd be happy to try a different one and suggested pro-.zac which I've already tried and also wondered about seeing a psychiatrist. I don't want to see a psychiatrist. Anyway we've left that discussion until the joints are settled. She did ask how bad I was feeling and whether I was going to do anything stupid, but I'm not. I did admit that I had been hoping she would inject the knee so I would get time off work to rest it and she was a bit shocked then that I would go through that for time off. So she offered me a note to sign me off if I wanted seeing as my joints were playing up. But I'm reluctant to do that simply because I don't think people understand joint problems. In addition my work is so flexible that I would be getting signed off just to miss something like 5 hours teaching the first week back after Easter. And I've never really used my sporadic joint problems as a reason for not going to work or class or similar.

So a bit further on but not much either. Looks as if it will be steroid injection next week, wait and see if that works and then take it from there.

talking

2009-04-06T12:24:00.002+01:00

The psychology appointment wasn't so bad after all. It was simply an assessment to see whether I would be suitable for treatment and I managed to talk and describe things ok to him. He thinks I would benefit from longer term therapy looking at, as he put it "the nuts and bolts" of why I'm feeling like this rather than the coping mechanism strategies. Apparently you only get 6 sessions now rather than 10 so the longer term treatment would look at 15 sessions. Apparently I scored highly on both the depression and anxiety tables (initially I wasn't sure if that was good or bad: it's bad: I'm depressed and anxious), and he suggested I talk to my GP again about the anti-depressants I'm on. So I may try and do that on Thursday when I see her about my (still) swollen joints.

At present I'm back in the office trying to work on THE BOOK and wondering does 5 days to go merit a phone call to former supervisor for a cry on his shoulder.

Weekend fun...

2009-04-05T19:57:00.002+01:00

...Not. I was in the (freezing cold) office Saturday and Sunday attempting to work on THE BOOK. As of tonight I have one chapter left to amend, one chapter left to rewrite and the intro and conclusion to rejig and then the proofreading. For Friday. This Friday coming. Isn't going to happen. Hopefully will get to the 1 May for it which is doable if I (can) keep up the pace I'm currently working at. I have a white board on my office opposite my desk and I've written on it "Good enough" which is what I'm trying to achieve rather than the perfection I normally want. Needs must and I think "good enough" is healthier and better for me right now.

Tomorrow is P-day: psychologist day. I'm still not convinced I'm doing the right thing by going. And I'm dreading the question as to whether I've self-harmed or thought of ending my life. I've not thought about ending my life but I have thought, at times, that it would be nice to not wake up. Is that the same thing? Is that as worrying as someone who actually thinks about ending things? One part of me says it is, the other part of me says that it isn't, that everyone thinks that way at times.

I ordered a new mobile last week: had to get it delivered to my parents' address as my cards are registered there. I'm meeting mum on Tuesday to get it. Am I real nerd in looking forward to that or is it another sign that I lead a fairly boring life and need to get out some more?

2009-04-01T16:05:00.002+01:00

I'm still feeling crap. I'm back to bussing it everywhere because my joints are sore and I'm breaking out in a sweat at the effort of walking even short distances. I've stopped going to the gym and am now just swimming to see if that helps in anyway. I was also back with my GP today and I'm back on the anti-inflammatories and stomach tablets to see if that helps and go back in a week. She was talking about a short course of oral steroids but I've never really had those before and not sure I want to go down that route. At the same time, I'm off to Portugal in 6 weeks and the thought of having to go like this is too much. I want to stay within 15 mins of my bed right now.

I also have an appointment with a psychologist next week: a male psychologist. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to speak to anyone but I'm not sure if it will be helped or hindered by it being a male. I also haven't told my GP that I have been self-harming so no doubt she'll be getting a phone call after the session, if it I tell it that is. This talking therapy is just not me, I'm not a person who gets on well with people immediately or who is at ease in a crowd, either professionally or personally and I'm definitely not someone who talks about personal things to strangers. I don't even talk about them with my friends! I understand the theory behind CBT and 'talking therapy' but I remain to be convinced as to its efficacy. When talking to someone it is always possible to put a different spin on things and to find something good in anything, but when you're by yourself after 10 weeks of that it's very difficult to do it alone. I don't mean to be doom and gloom, I'm just trying very hard to express how tough I find the whole process of talking to people.

Hate

2009-03-15T20:53:00.002Z

I don't like my life, I don't like myself and I don't see what other people like in me. I'm a waste of space who is just taking up people's time and not giving anything in return. After speaking to the med students last Monday I have been on a downward spiral and still plummeting. Everything I do is an effort, I get no enjoyment from anything and I don't know if I want company or want to be alone. All I know is that I want to stay in bed and not get up. I don't think anyone would miss me that much, if at all. I got a letter from the Psychology department telling me to ring them if I want to go on their waiting list. I haven't done it yet. I'm just so tired and always seem to be moaning but never really saying anything. I'm not even making any sense to myself any more.

Hurrah!

2009-03-10T14:46:00.000Z

I got an interview for the arc laymember post. Wednesday 6 May at 1pm in London. So excited, fingers and toes crossed for me everyone!

Early hours

2009-03-10T07:39:00.002Z

I've been awake since 2am. I went to bed super early as I wanted to get a proper night's sleep, took a couple of tablets and read for a tiny bit (Sophie Kinsella - author of Confessions of a Shopalholic: very light, very funny and easy to read) and then went to sleep immediately. Woke at 2 and been awake since then. Not funny and not nice. I have that heavy head feeling and gritty eyes sensation and I know it's going to be a shit day. I have my personal tutees to see, most of whom have not sent me the material and will not turn up and then a course this afternoon on designing modules.
The more I think about it the more I realise that law students are a bunch of ingrates. For the module I teach on there is a piece of course work to be handed in this Friday. It really could not be any plainer and yet the questions we have been fielding on it: they want their essay written for them. The questions are not even legal but asking the meaning of not very difficult English words (eg catalyst). And these are students who are supposed to be the creme de la creme? I don't think so. we give them no end of feedback and yet our student reviews in the National Students' Survey are pretty bad and the reason for this is that apparently students don't realise they are being given feedback. Hello? There is generally a large FEEDBACK in bold on the piece of paper? And we teach so as to get them to pass their exams rather than instill any learning or understanding in them. I'm not silly enough to think that everything should be about higher thinking but a bit of thought occasionally goes a long way.
As well as all this it's clearly time for "got to get a summer placement" as I've been asked for numerous references. I don't mind giving the reference but sometimes I wonder what a student wants me to write: "He appears well prepared for tutorials but really I can't say for certain as he never opens his mouth." "Exam results are good but I have no idea why he wants to be a barrister as he couldn't argue his way out of a one-sided argument."
I might as well go to work: I may doze off on my desk there

Med students

2009-03-09T18:54:00.002Z

I talked to the medical students this afternoon. It was excellent, I really enjoyed it and felt more alive than I have done in ages. They examined me as well and fortunately (for them) I have a swollen knee which they were able to look at and feel.
The afternoon did make me realise though that I don't really enjoy my job and that I'm masquerading as a lawyer. I regret so much not doing medicine and wish desperately that I could do it now. My GP even said to me that she thinks I should have some sort of medical related career. So, I left the surgery and went online and have signed up for an Open University course in Molecules, medicine and drugs! I just have to post the registration form (for some reason they wouldn't let me sign up online) and I will do that tomorrow morning. I'm not sure it will do much in the long run but I'm hoping it will help me in the short term.
On other news, I'm back to University city after my week at home: I did relax much more at home and felt a little bit better about things but now that I'm back it's all just the same, exacerbated by the great time I had this afternoon.
I cut myself last night, know idea why or what made me do it but I did. God knows what I'll do tonight.

2009-02-26T21:31:00.002Z

I'm still feeling really low. Nothing is helping me to snap out of it this time. I even treated myself to a back massage this afternoon but I'm still just on the verge of tears all the time. My head feels so heavy and I'm doing things by rote rather than actually thinking about them. I'm not actually in my University town for the next week as my parents are away and I'm having to go home and cat sit for the week. Unfortunately I have to travel to university town for at least 2 days, one for a lecture and the other for a module review meeting. Both at 9am and 10am each morning! I would just really like a week away from the place entirely. I'm hoping to get some work done on the book but really I just want to keep my head above water and not do anything stupid.

My sleep is still prety bad, I've been awake since about 3am today and the same another night. I was even reading blogs then. I saw my GP again this morning (still haven't managed to confide in her about the self-harming) and she's happy for me to continue on the sleeping tablets so I at least get some sleep. I'm to go back again in another couple of weeks or so.

She also asked me to go in and speak to some medical students that she teaches during their musculoskeletal week. She says it will help them realise that it's not just their grandparents who suffer from problems like this and that it will help them realise how it affects younger peoples' lives. I did it once before and like Madsadgirl really enjoyed it. Apparently when she's talking to me she can tell that I do have a genuine interest (well, I am a wannbe medic). I'm willing to talk about anything to them, including the therapy, but just not the self-harming.

I was telling her that I had applied to be a layperson on the arc research committe. I submitted the application yesterday and the deadline is tomorrow and I really want to get on it. Everything is crossed. It was an odd application to write as in the cover letter I had to explain where my interest comes from, so I had to explain my medical history (very briefly), which is normally something I keep private until I'm offered a post!

I think it's time for a couple of tablets and bed.

down-ness

2009-02-24T20:46:00.002Z

I'm feeling pretty bad and have been since Saturday evening. It just hit me for some reason right in the middle of the cinema. All of a sudden I started thinking about being 31 and having had a hip replacement and I just started wondering what's going to happen when I'm 60. 70, 80. It's stupid because no one knows what's going to happen but it just really got me down.
Then I was teaching all day on Monday and had a meeting in my lunch hour. The meeting was about a new proposed postgrad programme that is in my area and, other than not actually being a law postgrad, in spite of the name, I discovered that even though I am the only one who is truly in the area, I am the only one who was not consulted in any way until after the proposal was drafted. It's just typical of the law school: all the others who were asked about it were men. Such an old boy's network. And I knew that but this has so annoyed me. And the condescending manner in which I was spoken to didn't help. Then I didn't sleep last night in spite of the sleeping tablets so I've been feeling really groggy, fragile and weepy all day.

Calmer

2009-02-20T16:07:00.003Z

I'm feeling a bit calmer about everything today: and I didn't go home last night and do anything stupid. I'm not sure if 'calmer' is the way to describe me, numb might be closer to the mark. I went into work today but only stayed a couple of hours and did some administration and then headed home with the intention of going to the gym but I was too tired and couldn't be bothered. So now I'm in front of the TV before going to the shower as I'm heading to a quiz tonight.
One of the other new people was in tears today. She says she's stressed because one of her articles she is working on isn't going well and she's got nothing to say in it. It's a problem most of us have, as well as the fear that we're going to run out of research ideas. She works harder than I do (wouldn't be hard) and I think that might be part of the problem. I've asked her along tonight but I'm not sure she'll come as she has to work.
One of the other new people also described me as incredibly organised and confident? I sometimes think I should have gone on stage with this persona I seem able to project. I just wish I could show the real me, the one who is self-harming, depressed, lonely, terrified, to someone so that I could stop feeling as if I have to keep up this impression of being wonderful.

Completely alone

2009-02-19T11:56:00.003Z

I've just had a phone call from my publisher: they've gone into liquidation but another company has taken them over and is honouring all the contracts. But now I'm worried: I can't find any info on the new publisher on the internet and have no idea what they publish or the standard. I'm wondering if I should consider refusing the new contract and trying elsewhere, but then in credit crunch time should I just thank my stars I have this (after all I'm not going to make a fortune from it). I have nobody to ask and I was so shocked to hear it that I never asked her more questions and don't have a phone number. I could cry. I probably will cry.

Not right

2009-02-11T21:48:00.002Z

I'm not right. I'm in tears over the nature programme "Nature's Great Events" at the polar bears whose lives are at risk as a result of global warming. This sort of thing doesn't normally upset me this much but I burst into tears and sobbed tonight. I'm about to have a bite to eat and then go to bed but I'd love to go to bed and just stay there. The sleeping tablets are helping me sleep but tend to knock me out for the morning as well. I can lie in bed quite happily and doze to my heart's content. My GP is happy for me to take them while we try and get my sleep back on track but part of me wants to go to sleep and stay asleep.

Teaching

2009-02-10T20:38:00.002Z

I started teaching yesterday, it went OK but I'm not looking forward to this semster's subject as much as last semester. I find the lecturer in charge to be a real control freak. I suppose the two of us clash to an extent.
Last week I found an advertisement on the arc website for lay members of a group that helps decide where arc's research funding. I'm applying for it and I have never wanted to take part in something as much as this. I think it would be extremely interesting, rewarding and a great way to balance my desire to do something medical related, albeit for one year only. I'm actually going to ask my GP would she be willing to write a reference for me if I actually got the post. I thought she would be the person who could best attest to how committed I am to it and how interested I am in general in the area. If she feels she can't write it I'll just use my normal referees.
In other news, my "flatmate" is in Barcelona for a few days with the boyf and his daughter. Apparently his divorce is going to be sorted in March, yeah like I haven't heard something similar for the last 14 months. As for going on holiday with his daughter, I was gobsmacked. She didn't tell me that, I guessed as it is half term and asked her outright. She looked like a rat caught in headlights when I asked. So, I'm alone until Thursday, allegedly, but I don't expect her to bother coming back to the flat until Friday at the earliest.
I'm still struggling with a book review. It's due on the 15th and I just want rid of it. At present I'm trying to scan parts of it rather than read the whole thing!

Why is it...

2009-02-05T16:14:00.002Z

... that things seem alright and then something happens, not even that important or life changing or threatening a thing, that switches on (or off) something and makes you feel like crap again? I'd had an ok-ish morning, been back to my GP, decided not to change the anti-depressant I'm currently taking, got told off for wearing heels in the snow(!), referred to the psychology department and made another appointment for 3 weeks time. I finally made it into work (if I hadn't had the appointment with my GP I wouldn't have left the flat) I was wet and cold but still feeling OK-ish and managed to send off a few emails: a proposal for a conference paper (to tick a box for my probationary requirements rather than actually wanting to present), my publisher to tell her THE BOOK wouldn't be done for 1 March and I found this and actually laughed out loud: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html.

I then went out to lunch and had a fair enough time. Got back to the office to get a text message from my so-called flat mate telling me she wouldn't be home as she was going back to boyf's place again this evening. I haven't seen her since Tuesday. I had texted yesterday to see if she fancied dinner somewhere as I had just got a copy of a book in which I have a chapter published and thought it would be nice to celebrate. But she was with him again.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, it's so difficult to put into words but he just seems to have pushed everyone out of her life and she just puts him first. I often wonder what she would think if she read this blog. If she knew (if anyone knew) how I feel and what I'm doing.

It's going to be tough going home tonight and not cutting myself.

GPs

2009-01-26T21:44:00.002Z

I saw my GP today. I'm not sure I did a good job of explaining how I'm feeling. Because I haven't been sleeping very well she gave me some sleeping tablets to try and get me a proper night's sleep and I'm going back to see her next week to see if some sleep has helped to lift my mood. I didn't tell her that I've cut myself again but I'm going to do that next week: she's referring me back to the psychologist so if I don't tell her they will once I see them.

2009-01-25T18:55:00.002Z

My appointment with my GP about the self-harming and some sort of counselling is tomorrow. I just don't know what to say or how to explain how I'm feeling to her. It's a problem I have: I cannot open up to people completely. I want to tell her that I don't like myself, that I don't like my life, that I feel like a complete fraud and shouldn't have got the job that I have, that I'm terrified of dying and my parents dying and that I feel completely useless and a failure. I am completely lacking in self confidence and I have no idea how to improve that. I should just give her the link to this page and then I wouldn't have to verbalise any of it.

Thoughts

2009-01-15T22:27:00.002Z

I was at a course today on how to supervise PhD students (I don't expect to get the chance to do this for many years as I am the only one in my university researching in my area and it's not exactly known in the area, but it's a requirement of my probationary period). It was one of those courses I thought would be terrible but was pleasantly surprised at it. One thing really stuck with me though. Apparently under new disability legislation aimed specifically at educational establishments, if a student tells us they are thinking of self-harming we have to tell someone in order not to be considered negligent should they then self harm. The ins and outs of the legislation is the subject of another course (which I have since signed up for) so the course facilitators weren't sure to whom we had to report this but they thought the occupational health person in the university. It shocked me as it made me think what any colleagues would do if they found out that I self harm. An appointment has been made with my GP to discuss doing something about it.

2009-01-08T11:06:00.001Z

I cut myself last night. After it I thought "That's it, I'm making an appointment with my GP about counselling or the Beating the Blues therapy online. But now, in the cold light of day, I can't bring myself to make the appointment.

Happy New Year

2009-01-05T21:10:00.002Z

My first post of 2009! Nothing really to report on any front. Christmas passed fairly well other than a bad cold which I have since kindly passed on to the parents. I ate, drank and slept! A bit like most people in that way though.

I was at a friend's house warming on Saturday night: one of those evenings that I didn't want to go to, which then turned out surprisingly well. The first hour was hell as various members of the law school came in (my friend is a PhD student there so staff present was very surprising!). Then things got better. One of my law colleagues asked me where all the new people went after the Christmas lunch. I said back to the law school. She told me they were all in Bar X and were wondering why we didn't join them. I said we didn't know about it. She apologised and said that she had told Sally, one of the other new people. Now Sally is super confident and makes me feel really inadequate and wonder how I got the job, which is silly of me as she was way down the list of candidates and only got the job because other candidates never took up the job offer. But Sally never told any of the rest of us. I think it was deliberate. Sally seems to have been the one of all the new people who has settled in the most and is invited to the most nights out and things and now it could be that we're all invited but Sally isn't passing on messages? I really can't be bothered with such crap.

Today was meant to be my first day back in the office but when I got back on Sat night my flatmate told me she thought the freezer needed to be made colder. At the time I did nothing about it, but yesterday I made a huge chicken curry and froze three portions for again. Got up this morning, curry still not frozen solid. Looked out the freezer book and discovered that if a red light is on then it's not cold enough. Yes, you've got it, the red light was on. Defrosted the freezer in case that was the problem, threw out a load of food that was thawing nicely. wrapped some in a blanket to try and keep it. Chunks of ice that could have sunk a liner were removed, freezer switched on again, waited a few hours and the light was still on. So phoned the estate agent and a new freezer is being delivered tomorrow (such a shock: no engineer is calling to try and fix it!). In the meantime, my sister and brother in law have been provided with their dinners for the week!

Last few days

2008-12-19T20:21:00.003Z

R.A.E results were released. We did well. So lots of smug faces, pats on the back and champagne: while people were dying from lack of clean water. So now we get lots more funding to carry out more research that will be read by a very small minority of people. It really does make me wonder why I'm in this business.

Christmas lunch was today: I won't be going back next year. When the school is altogether I do not feel a member of it at all. I feel like an observer. I look around and I have nothing in common with the majority of the people and don't even really want to get to know them. I'm not unhappy there but I'm not sure that's a good way to be. I just get so tired of so much shit in the place and people thinking it's great and the double standards and the 'in crowd' and the fact that I don't feel particularly welcome by the majority of people: I don't feel as if anyone has got to know me, asked about me or made any real effort with me. But then again I don't believe I'm good enough to be there (not that I think the school is as good as the results seem to imply), I think I'm a fraud and not worthwhile enough to be bothered with.

I've also been thinking about the CBT; with my mood plummeting and the urge to cut myself stronger than ever I think I am going to go back to my GP in January and talk to her properly about it. I feel as if my life has changed but that it's stayed in the same place. I know that doesn't make sense and I'm not sure how to make sense of it but my hip has been replaced and the pain is largely gone, I can lead a different life. Yet nothing has changed. I still get upset over the hip, I still think about the operation and get scared as to what will happen in the future and I am so angry and upset that it had to happen to me.

I don't know what to do.

2008-12-15T17:51:00.003Z

I don't know what to do. I was back with my GP getting repeat prescriptions and she asked me again about CBT. Apparently there is a new online programme called Beat the Blues which she can refer me to that I will do by myself or else go back to the psychologist in the flesh. I'm a bit reluctant to do either right now and yet part of me does realise that I do need to start tackling how I'm feeling before I sink further. I have cut myself again and in an attempt to stop myself I'm contemplating starting smoking again, which, even to my irrational way of thinking, seems bloody stupid. I suppose I should see how Christmas goes and maybe bite the bullet then: a new year, a time to become a new me?

On other things, I've finished teaching: I rescheduled this week's tutorials for last week so that both me and the student would finish the module up early. The students didn't mind as they have two pieces of coursework due at the end of the week. My research group also had a Christmas lunch last week which was really nice. And then we have the school lunch this Friday.

This week is actually a huge week in universities: the RAE results come out. The RAE is the Research Assessment Exercise and it's run every so many years and essentially it assesses the research outputs of every department in every university. The results determine how much money each university will get from the government. I think people are running round thinking about this but to be honest, and terrible as this may sound, I couldn't care less what my department scores. I wasn't part of the RAE because I only started in September so my work isn't being judged. And, to be really honest, and to utter something that would probably get me sacked(!), I'm not convinced any research should take place other than medically-related research. I look at my own work, which is purely doctrinal and I think what use is that to anyone. It won't save lives, it won't change the lives of anyone and it won't be read by very many people other than a handful of other equally useless researchers.

Pissed off

2008-12-03T16:34:00.002Z

I have yet another cold. My immune system must be shot to pieces. That's not what's annoying me though. In a way it's silly, but in September a friend moved in with me after I'd been living alone for over a year. I live in a city centre apartment and the car parking space is £90 extra a month so as she has a car and would take me places I pay £45 towards it. She has a boyfriend though who lives about 20 miles away and she would stay with him quite a lot. It never really bothered me but recently she's been spending more and more time in his company. He would only stay over for one night and she would spend the rest of the time in his place. Since last Thursday they have not been apart for one night. She's off down to his now as she's going to do an hour in the gym. And the gym has only started since I've been going to boxercise. I don't know why she doesn't just move in with him. And yet I don't want her to move in with him. Her parents are completely against the relationship, as am I. He's separated from his wife, is not interested in getting divorced from her and has 2 children, one of whom he didn't tell my friend about until they'd been going out for over a year. And he's 13 years older than her. She has a very uneasy truce with her parents over him (they just don't discuss him) and I think she's on a road to nowhere with him. If she moves in with him then he will never get divorced and her certainly will never marry her. I don't believe that he wants anymore children and I think she's just blinded by him. Quite frankly I couldn't see him far enough. And I'm tired of telling her that and watching her throw her life away on a loser.

On other things, my lectures went well, hurrah. Haven't heard any complaints so far about them and one of my friends (student) from sign language turned up and signed at me at the start and finish of them. I could have killled him, but it was good feedback as well as he was able to tell me that his mates thought I was grand, that I didn't speak too fast and that my handouts were good. All good.

I'm really down and a bit weepy right now. Fell asleep last night thinking about cutting myself and now I'm alone all evening. I'm hoping the fact that I'm tired will kick in and I'll go to bed early and fall asleep without too much sniffling and coughing.

As expected

2008-11-13T19:01:00.002Z

As expected, the tutorials were bloody awful. One of the students apologised to me before saying that she couldn't understand a word the lecturer said and another said the only notes he had were the extra ones on the topic that the subject leader had put online. I spent the tutorials going through the topic rather than actually discussing the topic. It's my turn to lecture in just over a week and I'm going to be asking the subject leader to tell me if there are complaints about the lectures (there were loads about the last lecturer). I want to know so that I can actually build on them and improve upon them. Needless to say comments like she's crap without actually telling me why I'm crap is not enough. And I know it will be discouraging but hopefully I will get past that.

Tomorrow I will be going to a dinner dance with my parents: I'm hoping that my dress still fits from last year as I've put on a bit of weight since then, unfortunately given my hip replacement. I've been trying to lose it but to no avail and all in all I'm really discouraged by it as I want to and need to lose the weight to help the replacement last as long as possible. For the dance I've been St Tropezed fake baked: the turkey in the oven belief in that it always looks more appetising when golden brown! I've just noticed though that the tan appears to have brought up all the places I've cut myself including those cuts that are months old and gone to the naked eye.

I went to boxercise last night: good fun so hopefully I'll go once a week to it now as well as swimming and salsa and pilates: I should be a size 8! Some of it I did sit out off because of the hip: there's always some reminder that I'm not quite the same as anyone else in these classes.

hectic

2008-11-07T18:02:00.002Z

Things have been hectic this week: the tutorial topic for next week is confusing to say the least and the guy who gave the lectures hasn't appeared to have conveyed the knowledge that well to the students. So I spent most of the week attempting to get to grips with it so that I can do the job of the lecturer on Monday and explain the material from scratch to the students rather than guide discussion on it.
I've also had more meeting about various things, mostly induction things still! As well as a meeting to open a savings account. I had no idea it would be so difficult. I want to save nearly a third of my salary each month, quite simple I thought, but no I had an hour long meeting on Tuesday with a financial advisor and still don't have the account open. A meeting next Tuesday with someone different but this time I'm telling her at the outset that if she can't open me an account then and there then to forget about it and I'm going somewhere different.
I've also been keeping active on the exercise front and went to Pilates on Monday for the first time ever. I enjoyed it, but he had us doing sit up type things to use or stomach muscles. I had none! Or so I thought until the gradual ache developed in that area on Tuesday and Wednesday! Clearly muscles reacting to having been used for the first time in 31 years! Went for a swim after pilates and also on Tuesday. On Monday evening I headed to my second salsa class, great fun! Am so crap it would be embarrassing except for the fact I'm doing it for fun and nothing else. After the class though, things went downhill. There's a travelling amusement park in town right now and we went to go on one ride after salsa. paid my money, walked up the gangway to discover that I would somehow have to hoist myself into a seat sitting at waist height with sticky out thing that sits between your legs. Couldn't manage it because of the hip. My friend ended up going alone and I had to get my money back. It was just another reminder that the hip is never going to be like my friends' hips. Of course the first thing I thought of doing was going home and cutting myself but so far I haven't done that. It still upsets me though when I think about it. And then I look at where I cut myself the last time and that upsets me too. And then you read about what other people have to cope with in their lives and that makes me feel so much worse as well as they are so much worse off than me and yet aren't sinking like I am at times.

Bad times

2008-10-28T20:28:00.004Z

It's been a long time since the last blog post. Things have been up and down the last couple of weeks, more down than up if yesterday's events were anything to go by.

I don't know what started it all exactly. Teaching went OK: too many turned up so the room was bunged and someone asked could they transfer int my tutorial group but that's not my decision to make so I had to refer her to the module co-ordinator. I had taught her before so I can't help wondering if she wants to transfer because of me (it does happen!) but I don't good think I'm enough for anyone to change for that reason.

I then had an appointment with my GP in the afternoon: she asked if I had tried easing off on the anti-depressants but I haven't. I'm scared to stop them given the thoughts I have of self-harming and how up and down my moods have been. I also had to get a slip signed for my gym saying that I could exercise (the same gym that I've belonged to for the last 4 years) which she did just saying on it that I should be careful because of the hip replacement. She thinks my gait is marvellous and you couldn't tell that I've had the op, which is great but is going to check and see if I can take up boxercise. At the end of the appointment I plucked up the courage to tell her about my thoughts of self-harming. She was pleased that I had told her and saw that as a positive sign, asked me if I wanted to go back and see the psychologist. But I'm reluctant to do that. She did give me advice like distracting myself when I feel like self harming so I don't actually do anything, or use a red pen to mark where I would cut myself. It all makes sense but it's as if there's a barrier between me hearing this advice and using it.

I thought having told someone out loud may have helped dispel the thoughts but I went home and used a razor to cut myself.

Teaching

2008-10-14T21:54:00.002+01:00

First tutorials went OK, could have been better but could have been far worse! I was expecting far worse.
This week is full of meetings; tomorrow a coffee in the morning with the chair of my probationary committee followed by a meeting with my entire probationary committee in the afternoon followed by the research group's reading group. Oh and I want to fit a swim in before all of that! I had also scheduled for tomorrow to start reading my thesis in order to get it into my head what I needed to do to convert it to the book but it looks as if it will have to wait as I am still struggling with the damned book review. If I haven't said it before I'm saying it now: never again.
Meantime, all staff have had to meet with their personal tutees. Except they are not our personal tutees, they are our Personal Development Plan Tutees, or is that meant to be Professional? I think this is government mandated and I think the idea is to ensure that students identify their skills as they develop them in their degrees and see how they are transferrable. It's also to bridge the gap between school where they are spoon fed to university where the are not (apparently). The problem is that they are not to come to us with personal problems, but if a student knows a lecturer then that's who students go to and not to some stranger just because that's who the rules say they should go to. It's everyone's nature to do that. So I'm hoping that none of my students do that, and I have explained that there are student counsellors and careers' advisors and all sorts of people who can help more than I can with such matters, but oftentimes it's the sight of a friendly face that is needed.

I feel odd as well talking about seeing counsellors if they have problems as right now I'm being haunted with images of cutting myself to the extent I went looking for my old razor blades but when I couldn't find them I realised I had thrown them out before my hip replacement. I'm not sure why the thoughts have got more vivid recently, I think I was reflecting on the first month at work and realised that I don't seem to be as settled as other people. I sometimes feel that as it is the institution where I studied and tutored for a number of years that people aren't as friendly and welcoming to me as to the others simply because they think I'm all settled and it's nothing new. I'm not unhappy but I'm not sure the extent to which I'm happy and I think I'm rolling in self doubt right now, wondering why they employed me, what use I am and how to stay as small and as invisible as possible.

As for the cutting I still remember the sheer relief from it and I don't want to remember it. It's hard not having confided in any of my friends and right now the TV programmes seem to have a lot of it so I'm surrounded. I think this time I may have to mention it to my GP next time I get a repeat prescription, I just don't know what I expect to gain from it.

Feeling grotty.

2008-10-07T19:24:00.002+01:00

I'm just back from a conference that my friend organised in Oxford. I wasn't speaking at it: not good enough! I only managed to go to the first day as I had no voice the second day and am feeling pretty grotty still. My voice is sort of back but not great really still. I didn't go in today as I wanted to try and get rid of it and ended up spending most of the day in bed. Even now I'm looking forward to getting back to it. I have to go in tomorrow as someone from occupational health is coming to make sure my office is safe for me and then there's the school board meeting in the afternoon.
Most of the day I received reports for the board meeting: all the research groups submitted a report on what they'd been up to. I wasn't mentioned in ours other than as a welcome note. I went cold when I saw what people were up to and what they had been doing and what they had published and actually thought, and still am thinking, what the hell am I doing here. As much as anything it's having been in Oxford surrounded by people who are at the top of their fields whereas I'm not good enough to even be considered for weeding that field.
My friend has been in Oxford for over a year now and has coped brilliantly with the pressure to produce but not as well as she had thought or as well as she wants to. She now thinks that she's a failure as she's thinking of looking elsewhere. It's strange, my friends talk to me about such things but I can't open up to them. I told her it would be a bigger failure if she carried on until she made herself ill, especially as she recognises that other people seem to manage better than her. I also said that if she was a failure what did that make me seeing as I wouldn't even dare to go near Oxford or cambridge because of the pressure cooker type life that people seem to lead.
I even quoted the psychologist at her and said it was about being good enough and not about being the best; again she doesn't even know that I've had a stint of CBT.
I have to go and prepare a few tutorials: I can't believe they start next week.

2008-09-29T21:46:00.002+01:00

Well, after flagging the salary issue (and the lack of PhD but everyone thinking he has one) last week, on Friday his website went live. And he was Dr. This pisses me off big time. I know it may sound silly but people with PhDs work long and hard to get them and it's a huge honour to finally be able to call yourself Dr. After all, we don't like it when complementary therapists use the title Dr when they have no medical training whatsoever, or when architectural technicians call themselves architects (my dad was an architect so I feel that only someone who has undertaken 6 years study and then the requisite training should be able to call themselves architect) it should be the same for PhDs.
Anyway, in the course of today his title was changed to Mr! Hurrah, success. Someone has realised and someone has acted. Wouldn't it be great now if I got shoved up an extra point in the salary scale now!
On the work and other fronts, things aren't so good. The prepping isn't going well at all and my mood isn't that great. My joints (not the artificial one) have been playing up with my knee swelling really badly and my wrists and elbows being sore. The knee will swell now every 8 days for 2/3 days and it will go on like this until it's injected with steroids. No real point in going to my GP with it as no one will want to inject it as it was only done in May before the hip replacement. I'm meant to rest when it's bad, but it's a bit hard to do when I'm working now and because it's so often and so regular I can't really be off or working from home on that regular a basis! I guess it's just something I'll have to factor in.

Prep time

2008-09-22T21:23:00.002+01:00

Well, I had my meeting with the head of school. And I brought up the salaries. I told him I had agonised over whether or not to ask him about it but essentially I wanted to know for my own reference purposes. I phrased it along the lines of "how are salaries determined, as I discovered through the conversations of one of the other new people that I was getting the same salary as he was yet he had no PhD." Initially it was said that this guy had his viva very soon but I said no, he had yet to submit his PhD and hadn't the experience of teaching undergrads and postgrads that I had. The head of school realised who it was and said his name and I confirmed yes, but from that I assume that he too was under the assumption that the guy had his PhD. Essentially, I was told that HR decide the salaries and any new person starting out would start on the same salary unless the interview panel thought there were strong reasons for having a higher starting salary. All well and good but if the panel were misled as to someone's qualifications, how then are they to base a decision on whether to start someone higher up the salary scale? Anyway, it's said and done and I think I did it in a nice way so as not to get the head's back up.

One of the reasons I was adamant I wanted to say something is that I applied unsuccessfully for more than 50 jobs before getting one and got no job offers without my PhD so it does grate that this person appears to have lied and have got a job as the result of the lie. At the time of accepting the job I wasn't in a fit a state to bargain with them over salary as I was less than 2 weeks after my hip replacement and doped to the eyeballs on painkillers. I will know in future to ask for that little bit more if and when I change jobs!

Today I started looking at the textbooks of one of the subjects I'm teaching. I've never taught it before or even studied it, but I'm not unduly worried about it. I've decided most of this week will be given over to the teaching prep and getting to grips with the basics of it. Next Monday or Tuesday I will have another look at this damned book review and try and amend it as to their suggestions. Then I will finally get a look at my thesis and start preparing it as the book for next March! Things have started to get busy for me.

Absent

2008-09-21T22:15:00.002+01:00

I've been absent again. Not really sure what I've been doing: not much I suppose, certainly not anything to blog about. It was my birthday last week so I went for cake and coffee with a couple of the other new people. I then met my mentor on Thursday to discuss my research plans for my 3 year probationary period. I get an amount of money in addition to my salary to spend on research purposes (books, travel, attendance at conferences, joining legal societies etc.) and in order to access it I have to fill in a form, get it approved by my mentor and the head of school and then it should be all systems go. Needless to say my mentor has only recently taken over so she didn't know about the form so I had to ask one of the other newbies who had already met with their mentor. I'm now having another meeting this week about the form. Already there's going to be a problem with speaking at conferences as my area of law is such where there aren't many calls for paper and instead you have to be invited to speak at them! Anyway, a proper discussion will be had this week.

On the book review topic, I finally got it finished and it was fairly crap; checked my email tonight and they want me to be a bit more critical in it so it's back to the drawing board with it, ARGH.

However, I do have a slight dilemma. I discovered, through one of the other newbie's instigation, that I am on the same salary as he is when he doesn't have a PhD and I do. Incidentally, he appears to have misled the law school as everyone is referring to him as Dr. I also have far more teaching experience than he has and have taught and led modules at undergrad and postgrad level. I mentioned it to the chair of my probationary committee who was on the interview panel and she couldn't believe it and suggested I bring it up with the head of school. She also thought, from the interview, that he had already got his PhD. Tomorrow I have a follow up meeting with the head of school to make sure that I have settled in OK and that everything is fine. I have settled, far better than I thought I would, and everyone has been helpful and very kind. However, I am disappointed over this salary business and a bit confused as to how it could have happened. I want to say to the head that everyone has been great but I was disappointed to discover that I had been started on the same salary as someone who had not yet submitted their PhD and who did not have the teaching experience that I had. Some people are saying I should leave it and not create hassle but my intention is not to create hassle just to understand the pay schemes!

Any suggestions or advice out there?

Wrong side of bed

2008-09-10T15:17:00.002+01:00

All the newbies were having their photograph taken for the school website today so I washed my hair this morning in readiness. My hair is naturally wavy and if I try hard it can actually be curly although only for the one day. For some unfathomable reason, I decided to straighten it this morning. Disaster! I ended up putting it up with its usual clasp. However, it was not until I tried to put on my new shoes that I lost my temper. Because of the hip replacement it can be difficult for me to get buckles done or laces tied. I have no idea how long I sat before I managed it. This ended up upsetting me and so I arrived at the university in foul form, which continued throughout the final induction meeting, exacerbated because the chair was prone to ramble on far more than was necessary! I left as soon as it was over and the chair then arrived down at my office to ask me for a coffee tomorrow afternoon!

My mood has picked up now: the photo session went better than expected and we were able to choose the best of 4 photos and then had a nice lunch. Tonight's TV is reasonable (the Restaurant on BBC 2!) and I have got slightly further with my own work in that I have printed off a sample book review from the Journal website! Tiny steps and all that....

And again

2008-09-09T23:02:00.002+01:00

Another day wasted. This is totally ridiculous. I'm feeling crap about myself because I've done nothing, yet I know I'll feel better about myself if I could do something but I can't be bothered to do anything! ARGH.
Tomorrow I have to be up at the university as it's another of the induction days: something to do with being introduced to undergrad and postgrad advisors. Then we get our mug shots taken for the school website and notice board. The embarrassment. Like most people I hate getting my photo taken!
To bed, for tomorrow is another day and hopefully a productive one!

Lazing around

2008-09-08T21:51:00.002+01:00

I couldn't get motivated today at all. I decided to join the gym this morning and go for a swim and then go into the university at lunch time. Lunch time changed to after lunch and by the time I got up I browsed the net and turned and came home again! Apparently these next few weeks are when I should be getting on with my research so as not to fail my probationary period, but, in spite of having a couple of deadlines, I just cannot muster the interest.

Even joining the gym wasn't easy: I've been a student member of the same gym for the last 4 years. When I joined as a "proper" member I filled in another health questionnaire. The result of that is that I have to now go back to my GP and get her to sign and say I can exercise as I diclosed my hip replacement to them. Having only seen her last week I can't face going back again so soon. It sometimes gets embarrassing as I seem to go so often.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a bit more productive!

First week.

2008-09-07T21:35:00.002+01:00

Well, the first week is over, the second about to begin. It was strange and I'm very glad that the week is over. I'm hoping to go in tomorrow and maybe actually get some work done on a review article I'm trying to write before the end of September.

I found the constant socialising with people to be quite difficult. By nature I am a bit of a loner and don't find making small talk that easy. It's actually completely stressful for me as my mind works overtime trying to think of the next thing to say so that the conversation flows, which of course means that it doesn't flow at all. So I'm having to fight a constant desire to run from the room to the safety of my own office where I can be alone. That always makes me feel so crap especially when I see everyone else chatting away and looking as if they have always belonged.

I've also stayed on the antidepressants for the time being. My GP said I would know when the time was right to stop them. She was delighted to see me walking so well and without my crutch: it's the first time she's ever seen me without it! It's strange though, I know the hip replacement was definitely the right thing to do, but every now again sheer panic hits me as I think of what I've done at my age and how's there's no going back to it. I've had a panic attack in the middle of the night because of it and only calmed down by practicing the deep breathing techniques from the CBT. I had started a diary when tlhe CBT ended but this blog seems to have taken over from it!

The one thing I didn't admit to my GP was the fact that I can't get thoughts of cutting myself out of my mind right now. So far I haven't acted on them and hope I won't ever again but because I never confided in anyone other than her and my therapist it means that I can't go to a friend and talk to them through it. I just never knew how to tell my friends and how to admit that I was having a bad time of it.

Second day

2008-09-02T20:45:00.002+01:00

I got my staff card today: with the requisite hideous picture. It will never see the light of day hopefully.
And, happily for me, I am not in the research group A with all the idiots I can't be bothered with; instead I am in the group I want to be with my favourite person in the law school as chair of my probation committee.
One of the other girls who started with me is extremely confident: the complete opposite of me. She's the one who got the job as one of the reserve candidates. She makes me feel even more silly and stupid. But, I just have to keep reminding myself that I was a first choice candidate and she was not. I will make friends and settle in well but I do not need to be best buddies with everyone as she seems to want to be.

First day over!

2008-09-01T21:54:00.002+01:00

Well, the first day is over and I'm sitting with a £1000 laptop on my knee, but I'll get to that!

It went OK. All the new people met with the Head of School and heard from him how wonderful we all are and how wonderful the university is. He told us about the areas of research and how there are 4 research groups and we would be a member of one. There's where my first dilemma lies. We have already been placed in a group and I suspect I am in group A where all the people are who I wish to avoid. Not only because I don't trust them (it's likely they would be my mentors and supervisory/probationary team) but I don't trust myself to go to them if I was having problems as I don't believe they would be very helpful. We can ask to change groups if we feel we are in the wrong group but how do I explain my reasons for this?
We then met the computer officer where we were asked did we want a laptop; 3 of us took her up on the offer and when we got these great laptops the other 2 wished that they had too! If I knew how to link to one on the internet I would!
My office is small but has everything I need: lots of shelves, which is the important thing. I just need a proper chair before I can do any work in it as I had this old wooden one and my back is already aching from sitting on it.
I had lots of coffee with the other new people and got a time tomorrow for my staff card to be printed out with my mug shot on. I also have to write a blurb about myself and I can't put forthcoming publications on it so it means I have none, which is pretty weak and embarrassing as everyone else does. I'll have to put in my blurb that I have a book contract for my thesis.
Later in the week we meet the directors of the research group and am worried about that: a bit scared they'll look at me as one of their students seeing as most of them will have taught me.
Off to bed now, thankfully the staff card is being done at 11am so not as early a rise as this morning.

The end of life as I know it!

2008-08-31T21:36:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow I start my first permanent, full time job. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Resigned I guess. There are 6 of us starting so at least I'm not the only one. There is an induction programme planned as well which is good. I'm still worried that my appointment will end up being a disappointment to the school as a whole and terrified that the research I want/need to get done for Hallowe'en won't happen. The insecurities are still there and while I am trying to practice the CBT that I had at the start of the year it is sometimes very difficult. I haven't cut myself since my hip replacement but it's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. I'm also seeing my GP this week: I've been on anti-depressants for 3 years now. I found the fact that I needed a hip replacement extremely difficult to cope with, combined with the chronic pain and attempting to finish a PhD. My GP suggested I try them and wanted to refer me to a psychologist but I refused the psychologist referral. 9 months later, no change for the better and simply sinking deeper into depression, I allowed her to refer me and changed my anti-depressant. I think I have gradually improved: the psychology appointment came through and I was accepted for a course of CBT and I had my hip replacement which changed my life. Last time I saw my GP she said I would soon be off the anti-depressants but the thought of this terrifies me: I feel safer and more secure on them. It's a bit of a shock to feel like this as I was dead set against taking them in the first place. It's also strange, part of me isn't accepting of the fact that I have been/am depressed and I have told no one about the medication of the CBT. I sometimes wonder if to be "cured" you have to be accepting of the condition.

Anyway, tomorrow is approaching, so I think it's off to bed for me. My clothes are set out, my bag ready and all the documents I need are set out.

Apologies for the absence,,,

2008-08-25T21:02:00.002+01:00

... I have been on holiday from the 14 August and things were hectic before going!
I went on a Baltic Capitals cruise with my parents and it was wonderful! Mum and Dad had said that after the hip replacement they wanted to take me on a holiday and we thought a cruise would combine relaxing with places of interest. In August the Mediterranean is ridculously hot for my fair skin so we hit on the Baltic. We called in Stockholm, Tallinn, St Petersburg (2 days) and Helsinki. All the places we visited are worth going to again. We joined at Copenhagan and drove through the city to get to the ship. We could have gone on a river cruise that night in Copenhagan but were absolutely shattered so went to bed immediately after dinner. Copenhagan looked lovely from what we saw of it so would like to see it again. The second day was spent at sea: talk about relaxing. And we got our first taste of the food: I am refusing to get on the scales as we had a buffet breakfast, great lunch and cream tea then dinner nearly every day. Diet has started officially. The third day was Stockholm where we did a tour of the old town and then wandered round the shops for an hour or so. It seemed nice but was a bit disappointing in comparison to the rest of the cities. Still, if I get the chance I'd like to go back as we never went to the Vasa Museum where there is a preserved warship that looked amazing on postcards.After Stockholm was Tallinn, a lovely city, not sure what I was expecting but I really enjoyed it there. In the afternoon we went to an open air museum which was OK, but we have one in NI that probably is better. We reached St Petersburg the next day: WOW. I can understand why there was a revolution now. Talk about gold everywhere in places at every turn of the head: really quite disgusting when you consider how poor the rest of the country was and still is. The Church of the Spilled Blood was incredible: 8000 miles of mosaic tiles were used to decorate it, interior and exterior (I have photos which I may try and post some time!). The afternoon we spent on the ship being ever so tired. The next day in St P, we went to Peterhoff Palace and the Hermitage museum, again WOW WOW WOW. And again all so decadent. Helsinki was lovely as well and would like to go back: did a city highlights bus tour as only really had a morning there. After that another day at sea to relax before Warnemund in the former East Germany. It was a lovely little sea side town, did not expect it to be that nice at all. In the afternoon took a trip to what is known as the Molli and the Minster: a train ride and a church: really enjoyed that too and then had traditional German dessert (like we needed it!). The final day we went through the Kiel Canal and now I'm back at home. Loved every minute of it, will definitely do a cruise again, most likely with my parents as can't see any of my friends wanting to spend over a grand on one holiday. Either that or alone.
So now it's back to porridge: the job starts next Monday 9.30am and I can't say I'm looking forward to it and I can't say that I'm not looking forward to it. I have a lot to do in the first year research wise and a subject to teach that I haven't studied in a Law School where some of the senior members of staff already appear to dislike me. It's a long story but essentially I had started my PhD at the university, received funding from them and was within a year of finishing when my supervisor got a new job. I tried for an entire summer to find out what was going to happen with my supervision when he left. I got nowhere: I was made to feel guilty when I asked about it, when I went to meetings with my supervisor so eventually I decided it was time for me to move on too so I went with him. Unfortunately the people who were in charge then are still within the management committee. On the plus side, however, the knob who was head of school then is no longer head of school and the new head of school seems slightly better. He couldn't be much worse!
There still is no one on staff who researches in my area so it will be pretty lonely that way. Ideally I would like someone else more senior than me who could advise and support me but it's not possible, this year anyway. I sometimes think I need more support than other people at the same stage of their career and I know I have absolutely no self-confidence in my work, even after getting my PhD and the book contract for it but it's not something that grows on trees. An awful lot of it stems back to when my supervisor was leaving and nothing was done until I left with him, as it seemed to me that the law school was implicitly (explicitly?) saying to me that my research was crap and not worth bothering about. So an awful lot of my new job will feel like proving myself over and over again.

Crying on the inside

2008-08-05T17:48:00.002+01:00

I found out on Friday that a publisher has accepted my book proposal - I am converting my PhD thesis into a book. The completed manuscript is to be with them for the 1 March 2009. It will be tight but hopefully my teaching load at university won't be too bad. I also got another chapter accepted for publication in an edited volume. And a book arrived that I agreed to review for a journal. So it's all go. Yet, why do I feel so absolutely useless inside as if the publisher will realise that my work is shit and that it won't sell any copies (not that it will ever be a bestseller!). I am just so insecure about it all. Not helped by the fact that my former PhD supervisor's other PhD student is super confident and a real whiz kid with numerous publications already while I've always been the slower, dumber bumbling one. She got offered the first 2 jobs she interviewed for, it took me 50 applications before getting a job. Then I saw the list of the new people starting at the university with me and it included one girl who was unsuccessful but was clearly a reserve candidate as she is now on the list. I was told I was extremely high on the list of first choice candidates but I just feel now that they will suddenly realise that the other girl is much better than me and will get so much more help and support and go further than me.

Coffee

2008-07-29T14:18:00.003+01:00

I met one of my soon-to-be colleagues for a coffee this morning: she also interviewed me for my job (starting 1 September). She was giving me some insider information on the law school, nothing I didn't know already but good to hear that what I thought was true. I had to see the occupational health doctor before I start and I saw him last week, a complete idiot if ever there was one! He really does not have a clue. I got lectures on the difference between full and part time, lectures on why my laptop really slowed down when I used voice recognition software and what I should do when I have a flare up of the arthritic condition. Completely condescending towards me. The best of it is that I have never heard a good word from anyone about him!
Anyway I'm to speak to my line manager about an office with lift access (um, there is no lift in the law school!), voice recognition software and sitting if necessary during lectures. Also going to make sure I have a proper chair, with armrests and a super light laptop so I can work at home and also carry it with me if I head off to research elsewhere: after all no point in giving me a laptop that weighs a ton!

Bad news

2008-07-24T21:14:00.002+01:00

I've been reading the medical blogs today and see that GPs have been in the news again. And again it's not complimentary. Actually it's been a long time since I've read anything in the papers that is complimentary doctors in general. But that's the news in general.
I mentioned in my first post that I've just had a hip replacement. I cannot speak highly enough of my surgeon who has given me back some semblance of a normal life. Already I can walk and shop for longer than I could before without that awful grinding pain, I can wear flat ballet pumps and dresses without my pelvis tilting so much that my bum sticks out even more than it does normally. I will never be perfect but my new hip is better than the original was. Perhaps I'll blog more about my hip, limitations as a result of it and how life has improved tenfold since I got my metal and ceramic one. My point here is that my surgeon has changed my life and the hip is only part of it. The other part was his time and his explanations. I read somewhere recently that orthopaedic surgeons have the worst bed manner: bollocks. My surgeon is getting a thank you card next week.
As for GPs, again, my GP has been instrumental in helping me over the last few years to cope with chronic pain, self-harming and depression. Words aren't enough in this situation but I hope that mentioning her in my PhD thesis acknowledgements (and showing her it) is indicative of how grateful I am.

First post: an introduction

2008-07-23T16:44:00.002+01:00

I'm hoping this blog will survive for longer than the first one, or at least have more than the solitary post that I managed for that one!
Where to start? I've recently been appointed to my first post as lecturer in law in a UK university (start in September). By chance, it is also the university I attended for my undergraduate degree and part of my PhD. I've mixed feelings about that, which I may go into in future posts: it wasn't what I intended but it is what is right for me at this stage in my life as I have just had a hip replacement (at the tender age of 30). The university is in the same city where I had the operation and friends and family are all within close proximity should I need them. The 'new' hip is 9 weeks old today and I've been in love with it since day one. No regrets whatsoever and I would advise any 30 year old who needs one and whose life is constrained by a dodgy hip to go for it. My surgeon has joined my list of "People I would do anything for".
Who knows if I will attract any readers: expect ramblings on my job, my desire to have done medicine, my hip and how it's going (and also how the other one is!), the occasional rants, ahem, and the trials and tribulations that have made up my life so far and how I should deal with them (not always how I do actually deal with them!). I hope any readers get as much out of it as I get out of the blogs I love to read.